As I mentioned last week, I resumed sessions with my dietician (D.) this week. It was nice to catch up with her, and she told me that she always has mixed feelings about seeing clients she likes again--good to see them, but bad that they still need the help. Anyway, even though I like her a lot and she is friendly, she didn't hesitate to jump into ass-kicking mode. Which, of course, is why I went back to her, because although I like T. for a lot of things, she is way too easy on me.
No such problem with D. I think the part of our session that stuck with me the most was this:
D: When do you think this is going to come easy to you? Do you think that if you just carry on complacently, in two weeks, or two months, or two years, you will spontaneously decide that it's okay to cut the exercise, gain weight, and shed the eating disorder? How has that worked for you over the past 12 years? If you keep just waiting around for that to happen, you will be stuck in this lifestyle for the rest of your life. Some things are important to do not in spite of being hard, but because they are hard.
Indeed.
We set some concrete exercise reduction goals, stepwise fashion. Funnysad moment: she suggested an increment to decrease, and I agreed to do that the first week...but then she clarified that she wanted it done the first DAY. My bad...
I chickened out of compliance the first two days, but I actually stepped up and did it yesterday. I chewed all of my fingernails off in the process, but I survived and didn't compensate by cutting food. In reality, I know that it wasn't a very meaningful amount, energy-balance wise. It's amazing how that doesn't really seem to matter, I still get anxious in an OCD way.
I have my first session with T. since before the holidays today, so I guess I'll go over all of this with her. D. also wants me to get labwork done, so some bloodletting is in my near future, joy. I will probably gripe, but I honestly don't think I would make much progress on some things without seeing her regularly again. My mom agreed to help me pay for sessions (she fell all over herself to do it. #baddaughterguilt), so that is taken care of, although I still hate to have to ask.
This morning brought some pretty depressing news: Match didn't get into any of his PhD options that are within. 10 hours of any of the ones I am still considering. Fuck. He literally called me in tears when he found out. We are both very aware that doing this distance thing for another 4-5 years, including periods when I am out of the country for 4-6 months at a time, could be a game-changer...or a game-ender. We are taking it a day at a time, but there is definitely a shadow over things now.
5 comments:
I don't want to sound harsh, but here is my reality:
It wasn't until I lost a tenure track position and a research job I really liked that I got serious about the ED. The ED was really bad throughout grad school and exercise was a big part of it. I didn't think it was THAT bad though. Add "real" jobs and almost 20 years of an ED, and voila, a lost career (due to continual medical absences and treatment center breaks).
Cammy, I can see the passion you have for your work and the career you envision. Please don't let the ED ruin it. Your brain needs the energy that is spent on exercise...
(We've emailed before but I don't want to include my real name here.)
Your D sounds very wise, I'm really glad you're getting to see her again. Sometimes I also feel like I'm waiting for some "aha" moment when recovery will make sense and I will be able to let go of the ED when in fact, the illness just becomes more entrenched over time.
That being said, congrats on exercise compliance yesterday! Haven't you had some success with reducing exercise incrementally in the past? What does your D think about the weight lifting? Skipping exercise also messes with me more because of the compulsiveness than because of the cals in/out equation.
So sorry about the Match news. That sounds incredibly hard, but hang in there and things will work themselves out.
hello dear cammy - I am still trying to keep up with the old blogs and just wanted to pop in to say my husband (then bf) and I did long distance - trans atlantic - for three years. Not fun, I will admit, but we did it, and this was before video skype and all that jazz, too. Don't give up on your relationship - I can feel the love through the screen. : )
Also, SO glad to hear you are getting help with the exercise; it sounds like something you can't get out of yourself. xoxo
Cammy, first, I am glad to say that you went back to seeing D. and realized, well, you needed a little ass-kicking (that's said in the nicest way y'know). I do hope you are able to take on her challenges and realize you can stick it out, that you can do this whole recovery thing. I know your mom helping you pay is a reliever - parents are there to help. Trust me, with the situation I'm in, I could not have done without my parents.
So sorry to hear about Match. Rejection is so hard, especially when it feels like a relationship is on the line. I think taking it day by day is the best approach. I've seen people do the long distance thing before, like 5 years, so it can work, but it takes a lot of commitment, hard work, trust, and...faith.
AHHH how did I miss this news?! I am so sorry to hear this! I don't think this is a game ender ... yet ... but I am SO SORRY because this is NOT a fun line of questioning. I will legit be praying for you and your thought process and conversations.
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