So the issue of how I percieve *other* people's weight has always been fascinating to me, because obviously I never see anything except through the Cammy Lens. It is my impression that my view of other people's bodies isn't nearly as skewed. I can look at a woman with a nice figure and think "damn I wish I had her body" even though I *know* she probably outweighs me by double digits and I would have a heart attack if I reached her weight overnight.
But still, for a time I did have major envy issues when I saw someone that might possibly be thinner than me. I don't think I even processed whether it was attractive or not, it was almost like a challenge to my legitimacy in some sad, twisted way. If I wasn't the thinnest person in the room, then who was I?
Fortunately, those days are passed, I could probably write more about that whole issue but I don't feel like it right now. Being Not the Thinnest Person in the Room doesn't phase me anymore, and I've noticed more and more at the gym that not only have I lost my envy for the emaciated, but I'm starting to see how it truly is way more attractive to be healthy than to be WowSkinny, and it's still sort of a novelty when I realize I have no desire to be a lower weight.
The incident that sparked this post: it turns out that a girl I have met through a local volunteer organization has an identical twin. Now this girl is ultra-fit: she runs half-marathons, is training for a triathalon, and can out-bench press me almost one-handed (we use the same gym). She isn't an obsessive orthorexic gym addicted type of ultrafit person, as far as I can tell after getting to know her over a few months, she just loves to run and workout and seems to nourish herself in the right ways to enable the enjoyment of that.
I saw the girl and her twin together for the first time at the gym today, and it was a fascinating case study in the whole "skinny isn't better" issue. Basically the closest type of "controlled experiment" situation you can get outside a lab beyond just seeing photos of the same person at different weights, I guess. Her twin is significantly thinner than her (they are much shorter than me, so I wouldn't really know how to estimate the actually # of pounds less and probably wouldn't share that even if I did), so superficially you essentially see two different versions of the same person, one at weight X and one at weight Y.
And you know what? Twin #1, at the higher weight, is SO much more attractive. I don't think that Twin #2 is necessarily unhealthy and am not in any way saying she has an ED (I had never met her before today and know nothing about her habits). But to be honest, if I had to choose which one I would want to morph into to maximize my health/hottness/overall appearance ratings, it would definitely be Twin #1 at the higher weight. In my opinion at least. Maybe not everyone would think so. But I'm glad I'm in a place where I do.
The downer part of this story--another girl came over and the first thing out of her mouth was "Wow, your twin is so much smaller than you!" #facepalm
I don't want this to come off shallow and overly appearance focused. I'm NOT saying Twin #2 is absolutely unattractive because she's thinner. Or that even if she were, she would be somewhat less of a person for that. Disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer dontthinkI'mabadperson. I really don't consider myself to be an appearance focused type (my make-up routine takes under 90 seconds....on the days I even do it. I own more pairs of hiking socks than high heeled shoes, and I use the "scrunch and go" method on my hair instead of ever bothering to wrestle with it in the mornings). And I don't actually go around analyzing everyone's size and shape all the time (although I won't deny that I do it sometimes just out of fascination, not to be judgmental. I think it's common for recovering EDers. It's almost like an anthropological interest in Normal People). I think that I'm just finding it interesting, freeing, and just overall significant to notice how my perception of very thin people has shifted from immediate jealousy to actual recognition that having the lowest scale measurement isn't always the most desirable state of being.
More updates soon, things are starting to get exciting around here in several ways. Major news on the PhD front, and I'm re-establishing treatment with my nutritionist on Monday. Also, I did ZERO formal exercise yesterday due to travel, and was surprisingly non-anxiety freakish about it. Could have done better with food, but could (no, WOULD, in the past) have done a lot worse.
Hope everyone is having great weekend, love y'all!
2 comments:
You didn't come off as conceited, I definitely see what you're saying. Really interesting. I know a girl who is one in a set of quadruplet girls. I think she is the only one of them who has an eating disorder, and I've thought the same thing-- they are all so, so physically gorgeous, but her sisters who are at higher weights have a much different glow about them.
Also, I get a kick out of the scrunch-and-go look too, and I have easily 4 times the amount of sneakers and tennis shoes than I do high heels. Unless there's an occasion, my makeup is mascara and eyeliner.
I feel the same way - I can look at other women's bodies and think they look awesome, but for some reason it would be absolutely unacceptable for me to weigh what they do. Same with food - I can watch other people eat normal/big meals and it would seem fine, but I would feel like a greedy fat pig if I ate the same thing. Part of that is a numbers obsession, but I'm also just way more critical of myself than I am of other people.
It's astonishing how self-conscious I get about my weight, because in general I couldn't care less about appearance. I barely ever wear makeup, and my everyday wardrobe consists of mostly jeans and white t-shirts from Target. Even so, it can still take me an hour to get dressed in the morning because I feel like nothing looks right. Just shows how much EDs can mess with your real self and personality, I guess.
Something that shifts in recovery (at least it is for me) is that you start recognizing how your body image is distorted. My body looks/feels different to me daily (sometimes hourly), regardless of any weight changes. I've felt fatter at lower weights than I did at higher weights and vice versa, but now I'm more able to understand that Oh, maybe my perceptions are a little screwy.
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