I'm seeing my nutritionist tomorrow, for the first time in 18 months. I was really glad she was so friendly about taking me back, and I'm actually looking forward to talking with her. There is definitely a taste of humility in coming "back for more" after quitting last year (although there were some extenuating circumstances in that; I was temporarily living 5 hours away).
I have learned that nutritional therapy really amounts to what I'm willing to put into it. I have to be honest on food records, to take advice seriously, and actually be willing to put recommendations and plans into action instead of just nodding my way through sessions and then going back to the same old routine when I'm home. I love that this person focuses on the relationship with food and how it affects overall lifestyle and cognitive state rather than just trying to tally exchanges for me, and I need to take advantage of having someone like that available for the last few months that I'm living here.
I'm really nervous about running into my old therapist--they work out of the same practice. I don't think she'll necessarily be uncivil, it's just ultra-awkward. Oh well.
I also can in no way afford to pay for the nutritionist (tomorrow's session will have to go on credit), but I haven't had the courage to ask my parents to help me with it yet. I don't know if courage is the right word. Maybe it's more accurate to say that I'm ashamed to have to ask and haven't swallowed my pride enough to do it. There's no way they will get angry with me for asking for help for this, I just have immense guilt about the amount of money they have sunk into my treatment over the years, just to have me continue to be a freak over 12 years after they first dragged me to a psychologist. I pay for my own sessions with T., because my insurance covers 80% of that, but I don't get any coverage for nutritional therapy.
In other stressors, I have been sunk deep in thought for a few days doing major assessments, analyzing, and over-analyzing about certain aspects of my personal life, and I'm wondering if a dramatic change might be in the immediate future. I just don't know. I wish I did. I wish I just didn't care, but I do.
Despite all that, I have high hopes for this semester, both professionally and personally. I actually have a fairly full social calendar this week, and am hoping that will help distract me from the loop of introspection about other things.
4 comments:
Hopefully this visit will be a positive one and give you some new perspectives. I know what it feels like to get stuck in your own head with food stuff, and maybe a fresh outlook - especially from someone you already know and trust - will be the push you need. I also have incredible guilt over the money my parents have spent on treatment, but your mom and dad will probably be thrilled that you are taking this step. It really shows how far you've come in the past twelve years, even if it doesn't feel like it.
Good luck :) both with the appointment and talking to your parents! Oh, and with any decisions about dramatic changes. I've just made a few which I lagged on horribly, making everything a hundred times harder in the process. Urgh. It's just so hard to work out what I want sometimes!
Hope you have a good week :)
swallowing your pride and "going back for more" is hard - i've had to do it too - but i think it says a lot about you and a lot about your recovery - that you are trying to do whatever it takes to get better. i really hope it goes well today!
I certainly don't think that there is anything to be ashamed of when it comes to admitting to others (such as your parents) that you are currently in a place where you could use some help- even if that means financial help. Honestly, I think admitting that you are in need of help, shows a great amount of both bravery and power on your end. Definate power over disordered eating, etc.
Good luck! I'm rooting for you!
Post a Comment