I have actually had a really great week; my mood was pretty high, despite a few external stressors going on. I was on top of the world yesterday for no immediately discernable reason. I had a pretty kickass session with D. on Wednesday, as mentioned in my last post, and it really lit a fire under me to start tackling some real exercise challenges. I think I was finally at a point at which I was realizing--and, more powerfully, resenting--just how much those routines really do control my day and rob me of a lot of productivity and life experience. I also think this week was the first time I really started to believe that I can eventually get a handle on this, and that really helped me in putting myself into action mode.
The important part to me is not just to do it a few times to prove that I can, but to make the reduced amount into the new norm. And then work on progressively creating newer norms until things are where they should be. I am an incredible creature of habit, and making something into routine is really critical for me in 1) remaining compliant and 2) not freaking out.
My body is an enigma to me sometimes. For the past few days I have been hungry.as.hell. I honestly don't think I've felt unhungry in days. I don't just mean that my tummy is a little growly, I mean like "my stomach is going to consume itself from the inside out" hungry. And even though I have not reduced food at all (woot) despite the exercise cuts, my weight has been incrementally down a little bit for the past few days.
All of which highlights the degree to which we're misguided sometimes when we treat body and energy maintenance as a simple "in versus out" equation, especially during the recovery process. As Carrie pointed out on Twitter last night (see her excellent post on the science behind hypermetabolism) when I was whining about the hunger issue, oftentimes if your body suddenly has extra energy available, it will rev up and burn it, and sometimes even burn some extra while it's at it. Bodies are not nearly as passive as we sometimes seem to think.
I went through periodic hypermetabolic stages during earlier weight restoration, and did not miss it. I know the omnipresent "fitness"industry is always advising us to maximize our metabolisms! increase your calorie burn while sitting still! eat these five foods that burn more energy than they contain!, but believe me, it's confusing and frustrating when your body function changes and suddenly your balance is completely disrupted.
Anyway, I'm highly aware that the logical response to being hungry all the time and seeing weight drop is to . . . eat more. Imagine that. As T. pointed out, you're (and by you I mean me) not being fair if you claim to sometimes undereat because you're "just not hungry" and then don't allow yourself a supplement when you are actually famished. I think that if I hadn't been doing the exercise cuts this week I might have been a little more liberal in allowing myself extra calories. Another factor (which I am obviously using to rationalize my actions, acknowledged) is that I'm going to be traveling away from home for over half the days in February, and am really getting the pre-travel anxiety about how my body will handle all of that, the sort of anticipatory clenching down to pre-compensate. Not by restricting, but just by being terrified to boost anything at all. I don't say that as justification, more of explanation, I guess. Going to work on that this week.
I get to see M. soon! We tend to have a sort of U-shape in our interactions in between visits--we end a visit on a huge love-high and are really happy with each other, then after a couple of weeks we get cranky, lonely, etc and have a fight, then make up and rise back to the top of the mood-closeness curve in anticipation of seeing each other again. I think we've been good at making the U a little bit shallower each time, but I'm just glad we both recognize the pattern enough to know that we spend most of the time near the top.
Anyway, I hope everyone has had a great week. Despite the metabolic woes and a few stressful things, I've been feeling really awesome lately. Participatory prompts: 1) Have any morphing metabolism stories to share? 2) Tell me something great that happened to you this week?
2 comments:
This post made me so happy! I'm glad you're doing well and finding your D so helpful.
My metabolism morphs weekly. Sometimes I have no appetite whatsoever, and sometimes eating makes me hungrier and I turn into a bottomless pit. I also occasionally find that my blood sugar drops super easily for no real reason.
Something great that happened this week: I had a fun dinner/drinks outing with my friends last night and didn't obsess TOO much about calories.
It sounds like you're in a pretty good place, and I completely understand the reluctance to make sweeping changes when your environment is going to be changing in the near future. But the sooner you start, the better off you will be.
With that said, I'm a huge hypocrite. I justify my actions many of the same ways that you do--we are eerily similar with exercise, although specifics have never been shared--and I'm in no place to talk. But I do remember night sweats and crazy hunger when I was inpatient. The amount of food was insane and for two weeks I was there, I was a metabolic oven.
And to be honest, I wish I was like that again. I wish I was eating enough to stoke that thing back up and have actual hunger instead of eating by the clock in a plateaued amount of calories. Yes, I "can" stop any exercise and increase my food, but you know how hard that is. I'm proud of you for doing it yourself and each day I try and try again. That's better than nothing! ;)
It's just hard to remember that it takes SO MUCH to actually affect our bodies. They don't count those dimes and pennies we stress about.
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