ED-wise I'm pretty much the same. Like I have said before, I'm either stable or stagnant, depending on how you choose to approach it. I haven't really moved towards adding back the weight that I lost over Thanksgiving, but I have been mostly doing my mp.
Even though finals are Supreme Stress Time, I actually tend to do best with eating, etc during exam periods. I guess because I can look at it from a more functional point of view, I know I need to be able to concentrate, remember, etc, so I do what I need to in order to maximize performance.
I guess the hypernutrition mode during finals kind of shows how I tend to both overanalyze and express anxiety through food, too. I will spend hours and hours obsessing over how to concoct the healthiest, most brain-boosting meals possible for the week of finals. I have no doubt that any marginal cognitive benefits I get from having Kashi instead of Cocoa Puffs is vastly outweighed and rendered moot by the sheer amount of time and brain energy that I spend obsessing over the week's menus. It's not that I eat crap food all the time normally, either, I just become hyperaware about micromanaging nutritional content during finals. I don't increaseoverall calories, just become much more careful about getting enough protein, fat, etc.
That period of uber nutritional conscientiousness is always traditionally followed by a direct nosedive as soon as the last exam is over. It's like ED Me is treading water just under the surface, holding her breath. Then as soon as finals are over, there she comes, bursting up, gasping for air, and ready to put things back in "order." I'm suddenly faced with weeks of minimal responsibilites, almost no performance pressure, and way too much time to hang out with someone I'm not necessarily that fond of: myself.
In a nutshell, it's a recipe for relapse.
Post-finals, I'm usually suffering from ultra "food fatigue" (more on this issue in another post) from having to eat way more than I would really like to, plus I have an abrupt end to the distraction of classes, etc, which usually help to keep my mind off my body. Being "allowed" to restrict again feels as comforting and reassuring as slipping on a favorite pair of well-worn jeans.
BUT that also means that between finals and Christmas I have just enough time to reach a pretty miserable state, and I don't want to let that happen this year. I have worked really hard over the past few months, and I can't let all that effort go to waste, right? Or at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. I only get to see my family once or twice a year. If there is any time to cash in on the freedoms of loosening up from the ED, I definitely need to take advantage of it when I am visiting them. It's just hard because traveling/visiting are ultra high stress triggers for me, so right when I want to be the most normal it is also infinitely harder, which is significant when I am still struggling with keeping it together in my everyday routine.
Argh. I need to go sleep. Two finals down, five to go...
1 comment:
Over the years, I've certainly seen this time of year with finals and holidays very difficult with Ed really wanting to rear its head. Maybe this year have a plan of some sorts? I know even the best well laid out plan doesn't always work either, but I guess my thinking is try something different and see what happens. Brain-boosting with food can happen year around, not just during finals.
Perhaps thinking relapse does not need to be a requirement may help?
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