Have I mentioned that holidays really aren't my thing?
I love my family dearly, but I am so glad to be home. I was really uncomfortable with the eating situation at their house, and there are a lot of things to discuss from the past week . . . actually extremely relevant to other recent posts on the ED feed this week. That will come soon, but right now I am recovering from the mega-long drive and just need to go surrender to sleep for a while. I'm going to aim to get back on the wagon tomorrow, I don't want to waste my break feeling like a corpse. And for some reason it is just easier when I'm on my own, which seems counter-intuitive. You'd think that being unobserved and independent would be the perfect opportunity to let the ED go unchecked, but I tend to do a lot better on my own than with the family. It's NOT for attention (they pretty much ignore it), it's just anxiety from being out of my usual routines when I am visiting them. If living like this sucks so much, why am I inevitably drawn into it like a moth to a flame?
3 comments:
I hope you wake up from your mega-sleep feeling a bit better about things, or at least better able to get back up and give ED the one-finger salute it deserves.
I always struggle greatly when I go home. Part of it is the difficulty of being out of my routine, part of it is the scrutiny from my parents that makes me uncomfortable doing some of the things that are necessary for my recovery (measuring food, eating multiple snacks, etc.) I always feel pressured by my family's eating habits, which are different than mine, and sometimes can't resist the "urge" to give mine up just to be more normal (though, I don't participate in THEIRS, so I'm still not normal.) However, I wanted to give you hope. I've been working on my recovery since my diagnosis in January 2006. This is the first Christmas, holiday, visit that has been okay for me. I have been weight restored for almost two years; a lot of times I now eat and take care of myself for ME, not any other reason. If you are faithful to continue your recovery--get yourself back on track and seek accountability because you KNOW what to do, and then do it--the holidays are only going to get easier. Don't feel guilty about struggling; feel proud of yourself for any small accomplishments that you did make, but let yourself know that now Cammy Kick Butt is back and it is time to pound back that old meal plan and maybe even switch up your exercise a bit until you get that poundage that is so helpful back on your body. One of the most helpful things I started doing during that lovely refeeding process was getting off the damn elliptical/treadmill and limiting myself (well, ok, accepting my dr's limitations for me!) to 20 minute walks (outdoors and pretty places,) yoga, and a ballet DVD (the New York City Ballet Workout) for X number of times per week. This got the number of calories I had to eat down to a still ungodly, but more manageable, number and helped me view my body in a completely different light--as something to respect and not to push and punish. Maybe you could experiment with even switching a few minutes of your workout to something like this (since I know better than to suggest you cut it down), at least until you put some of that weight back on.
I know you can, as Lisa said, wake up. You need the energy for your studies (and your blogging, which I love, haha.) You go girl.
I know you've got it in you to beat this. Look at it as a slip, not a relapse. Don't give it that much strength. You can get back up on your feet.
I know the lure of AN is strong, but you are stronger yet.
Post a Comment