I haven't been posting all that frequently lately, partly because I've been hella busy (but busy in a Good Fulfilling Gets a Thumbs Up from My Therapist way) and partly because I haven't really known what to say. At my last session with T I mostly dissected the argument I'd had with Match earlier in the week and we had a relationship-themed session. (M. and I are fine now, very much so, by the way. T-minus 8 days til I see him!)
Random fact d'jour: despite food issues (or maybe perhaps because of them to some degree, have fun psychologizing that), I really like seasonal foods. And because I really have never had a junk food aversion over the course of my ED, some have stayed staunch traditions. So fall brings the advent of the Fall Fab Four: Little Debbie's Pumpkin Flips, Count Chocula cereal, salted caramel Starbucks lattes, and, of course, Reese's peanut butter pumpkins. Go ahead, judge me, and while you're doing that pass me the Reese's if you don't want yours. ;p
I'm hitting the PhD interview circuit again tomorrow, flying to Far Away State for a couple of days to visit the campus, meet the prof and other students, and generally do a lot of evaluating and being evaluated. Pressure? No... *gulp*
I honestly get more nervous about meeting the other (all female, in this lab) grad students than the professor, since I know I'll actually spend more time with them than him. Girls are hard, man. I have plenty of close girlfriends, but honestly when it comes to new introductions and trying to know where you stand with people in a professional situation, I prefer dealing with men ten times over. I've already Facebook spied on them (this lab of grad students) and everyone seems pretty down-to-earth, but you never know. One thing I like about my field is that by this point in the career path you've weeded out most of the un-down-to-earth people, just due to the nature of the work.
Okay that's the work news. EDwise, the main issue that I'm really struggling with right now, and don't know how to begin to fix, is just feeling so incredibly off balance. I've started rearranging my food to allow for bigger breakfasts more often, and more afternoon snacks, have worked at making sure to have fats and proteins, but I feel like nothing I do really matters and my body is just never satisfied. Not in a "I want to keep eating and binge" way but in a "I'm so fucking tired of eating and my body is still hungry/weak/generally whiney." I think I've noticed I've been hungrier more often since I've been doing strength training over the past few months. I haven't lost weight, but I know my body has changed (discussed previously). I thought just jacking up the protein intake would take care of it (you would be AMAZED at the things I've managed to slip protein powder into), but I don't know.
I really wish I could still afford to see that dietitian that I liked so much, but not only am I flat broke, she works in the same office as the therapist that I had a hard time with and eventually dumped in an avoidant and, in retrospect, less than professional way. #Awkward. Before I started with that dietician I always sort of scorned the idea of nutritional counseling--I have a fucking eating disorder AND a biology degree (almost 2 now!): I know nutrition facts and recommendations and calculations and don't need to pay someone $XX an hour to give me guidelines I probably won't follow anyway. But anyway, to make a short story long, I am not good at taking whatever facts (no I don't presume to know them all, ego check) and applying them to myself and processing my thoughts about them, and finally having a good experience with a dietician definitely shifted my opinion about the whole deal and now I want mine back. :(
So anyway, jetting off tomorrow, I'll report back this weekend. Love y'all!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Dancing and Deception and Discount Music, Among Other Things
So the past 3 days or so have been a total emotional roller coaster. I ranged from being jumping-around ecstatic about good feedback from PhD search to a hugely tense day of bickering with Match that left me wondering if the salt from tears will damage the touch screen on my phone.
Anyway after all that I'm really tired of talking about emotions and serious stuff and so I won't analyze any of it. You get this miscellany instead:
-As my Twitter followers are probably tired of hearing about, I have a total girlcrush on Hope Solo, and that has resulted in me finally breaking down and watching Dancing with the Stars. I actually only watch the segments she's in, because the only people on that show that don't trigger me are Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono, but oh well.
-I just discovered the online music store Legal Sounds, and am in awe. I have no idea how they can afford to sell new releases and top hits for $0.09 each, but I am happy to reap the benefits of whatever exploitative strategy they use to pull it off.
-Although $ 0.09 may still be too steep...I checked my bank account the other day and saw I had more money than I expected, attributed it to a refund from my school account, and proceeded to buy some books and music, splurge at grocery store, etc...only to realize that in my overwhelmed fog of school and work stuff I had forgotten to pay my rent this month and actually have extremely little available money. If I want to keep a roof over my head, at least. Oops.
-I have been on a writing binge for the past few days and have added 7000 words to my thesis since Saturday. I have been a thesising beast, yo.
-I have two new PhD interviews scheduled. And just got feedback from someone who is the ULTIMATE ROCKSTAR in my field and they seem very interested as well, but with a couple of logistical caveats...I'm already dreading the choices I'm going to have to make in a few months.
-I saw this article on pushing athletes past their limits (if they wanted to know how to deplete all of your energy and push yourself beyond where you should, they should have just interviewed some ED people. Is than an okay half-joke to make?), and it really made me contemplate how similar strategies might be applied cognitively to help people push past plateaus or stumbling points in ED recovery. Discuss?
-I will never understand why so many people stop their cars next to me when I'm walking my dog to ask how old he is. He's been self conscious enough about his growing graybeard ever since he stopped getting carded. ;p
Okay I am now going go reapply my nose to the thesis grindstone. I hope everyone's having a better week. Love y'all.
Anyway after all that I'm really tired of talking about emotions and serious stuff and so I won't analyze any of it. You get this miscellany instead:
-As my Twitter followers are probably tired of hearing about, I have a total girlcrush on Hope Solo, and that has resulted in me finally breaking down and watching Dancing with the Stars. I actually only watch the segments she's in, because the only people on that show that don't trigger me are Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono, but oh well.
-I just discovered the online music store Legal Sounds, and am in awe. I have no idea how they can afford to sell new releases and top hits for $0.09 each, but I am happy to reap the benefits of whatever exploitative strategy they use to pull it off.
-Although $ 0.09 may still be too steep...I checked my bank account the other day and saw I had more money than I expected, attributed it to a refund from my school account, and proceeded to buy some books and music, splurge at grocery store, etc...only to realize that in my overwhelmed fog of school and work stuff I had forgotten to pay my rent this month and actually have extremely little available money. If I want to keep a roof over my head, at least. Oops.
-I have been on a writing binge for the past few days and have added 7000 words to my thesis since Saturday. I have been a thesising beast, yo.
-I have two new PhD interviews scheduled. And just got feedback from someone who is the ULTIMATE ROCKSTAR in my field and they seem very interested as well, but with a couple of logistical caveats...I'm already dreading the choices I'm going to have to make in a few months.
-I saw this article on pushing athletes past their limits (if they wanted to know how to deplete all of your energy and push yourself beyond where you should, they should have just interviewed some ED people. Is than an okay half-joke to make?), and it really made me contemplate how similar strategies might be applied cognitively to help people push past plateaus or stumbling points in ED recovery. Discuss?
-I will never understand why so many people stop their cars next to me when I'm walking my dog to ask how old he is. He's been self conscious enough about his growing graybeard ever since he stopped getting carded. ;p
Okay I am now going go reapply my nose to the thesis grindstone. I hope everyone's having a better week. Love y'all.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Welcome to Pubertopause
I am having such a ravenous day; it's driving me insane. I shuffled my menus to allow for a breakfast double the size of what I have on a typical day, and was starving less than an hour afterwards. This does not mean I didn't want to quit eating; it was definitely not an appetite issue. I'm one of those annoying I'm Not a Breakfast Person people and have to force myself not to skip it. I have been like that since birth. But once I do have something in the morning, my metabolism resurrects itself and some days (like today) I'm hungrier than before I ate even though I don't feel like eating.
If that seems like it doesn't make sense, I agree. Well, in reality I know all about the metabolism-boosting virtues of breakfast and that I should be glad I haven't buried my metabo for good after over a decade of torturing it. I am at least at the stage at which I can tell appetite from hunger. Baby steps.
Same with lunch: if anything, hungrier 30 minutes afterward than right before I ate. I even allowed myself an extra(! gold star?), non-compensated for snack, which helped me to not spontaneously implode before dinner, an allowance I only ever so rarely grant myself. It's something I told T. I would do better this week. Somewhere deep down I know that if my body is that insistent I should probably listen to it. Because you know how much love my body and I have for each other.... :/
This is nothing I've never been through before, but it's still annoying and distracting as hell.I apparently am also having hot flashes this afternoon.
I swear some days recovery feels like a sadistic hybrid of puberty and menopause.
If that seems like it doesn't make sense, I agree. Well, in reality I know all about the metabolism-boosting virtues of breakfast and that I should be glad I haven't buried my metabo for good after over a decade of torturing it. I am at least at the stage at which I can tell appetite from hunger. Baby steps.
Same with lunch: if anything, hungrier 30 minutes afterward than right before I ate. I even allowed myself an extra(! gold star?), non-compensated for snack, which helped me to not spontaneously implode before dinner, an allowance I only ever so rarely grant myself. It's something I told T. I would do better this week. Somewhere deep down I know that if my body is that insistent I should probably listen to it. Because you know how much love my body and I have for each other.... :/
This is nothing I've never been through before, but it's still annoying and distracting as hell.I apparently am also having hot flashes this afternoon.
I swear some days recovery feels like a sadistic hybrid of puberty and menopause.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Weekend Wins
Believe it or not, I was not only social but spontaneously social yesterday [gasp]. I had only halfway planned on going to a guest lecture on campus in the afternoon, and I ended up doing not only that but also going out to the weekly grad student happy hour later in the evening. I planned to stay an hour and ended up not leaving for 2.5 hours because I was having such a good time (because of the conversation, not heavy drinking type of good time). It was an incredible morale booster.
I was initially stressed as hell that it messed up my routine and I ended up not getting 100% of my exercise time in for the day, but I was so glad I did it. It was good to have a reminder that I'm actually really good with people and enjoy being in social settings once I get over the hurdle of gritting my teeth and making myself go. I have a high social activation energy even if the product is worth it, special love to all of my nerdfriends that got the science allusion without needing the link. ;)
And I did not restrict my food at all even though my schedule was shot to hell. [insert imaginary gold star sticker here].
So here is where I contradict what I said in my last post. I was griping about how there isn't really anyone in my department that I like or care to see. That was a bit of an exaggeration: there are a few people that I'm friendly with and are good friend-potential, they just work in a different building so I never seem them when I'm on campus, unless it's at a department-wide event. And we all do fieldwork and never seem to be in town on the same weekends. Thus it's easy to feel isolated even though there are incipient friends around in theory.
I also learned that I'm not the only one that is super-frustrated by my labmate; apparently there's a broad consensus that he's pretty much the village idiot of the department, but the only person that doesn't see that is our adviser, who exists in a stereotypical absent-minded professor fog. So that has absolutely no relevance on this blog, but it was a big relief to know that I'm not alone in having a hard time with the guy; I literally lose sleep from frustration over the dynamics in our lab sometimes. At least I'm on the home stretch here.
Therapy last week: was pretty great. My therapist, T., is great; she probably has the most similar personality to mine of any therapist I've seen. It's nice; she really, really seems to "get" me on a lot of issues, both big and small. I mentioned my hypothesis about body fat-anxiety link to her, and we spent most of the time talking about my eating habits and food stuff to see how it can be adjust to help me start building a bit of weight without freaking out. I've been seeing T for a couplefew months now and it was the first time we'd really discussed food. Anyway, left very glad that I stuck with her despite some initial doubts.
Just 3 weeks from Match visit. Not that I'm counting or anything; if that were the case I'd know it's exactly 19 days away. . . oops. I hate these gaps but am glad that we're good at staying connected, I think the weeks of flirting from a distance really make the reunions that much more satisfying and definitely keep us from taking each other for granted.
Anyway, I have actually been in a fantabulous mood today, despite it being a chilly, gray day outside. I wish I could bottle this feeling.
I hope everyone's having a great weekend, love y'all!
I was initially stressed as hell that it messed up my routine and I ended up not getting 100% of my exercise time in for the day, but I was so glad I did it. It was good to have a reminder that I'm actually really good with people and enjoy being in social settings once I get over the hurdle of gritting my teeth and making myself go. I have a high social activation energy even if the product is worth it, special love to all of my nerdfriends that got the science allusion without needing the link. ;)
And I did not restrict my food at all even though my schedule was shot to hell. [insert imaginary gold star sticker here].
So here is where I contradict what I said in my last post. I was griping about how there isn't really anyone in my department that I like or care to see. That was a bit of an exaggeration: there are a few people that I'm friendly with and are good friend-potential, they just work in a different building so I never seem them when I'm on campus, unless it's at a department-wide event. And we all do fieldwork and never seem to be in town on the same weekends. Thus it's easy to feel isolated even though there are incipient friends around in theory.
I also learned that I'm not the only one that is super-frustrated by my labmate; apparently there's a broad consensus that he's pretty much the village idiot of the department, but the only person that doesn't see that is our adviser, who exists in a stereotypical absent-minded professor fog. So that has absolutely no relevance on this blog, but it was a big relief to know that I'm not alone in having a hard time with the guy; I literally lose sleep from frustration over the dynamics in our lab sometimes. At least I'm on the home stretch here.
Therapy last week: was pretty great. My therapist, T., is great; she probably has the most similar personality to mine of any therapist I've seen. It's nice; she really, really seems to "get" me on a lot of issues, both big and small. I mentioned my hypothesis about body fat-anxiety link to her, and we spent most of the time talking about my eating habits and food stuff to see how it can be adjust to help me start building a bit of weight without freaking out. I've been seeing T for a couplefew months now and it was the first time we'd really discussed food. Anyway, left very glad that I stuck with her despite some initial doubts.
Just 3 weeks from Match visit. Not that I'm counting or anything; if that were the case I'd know it's exactly 19 days away. . . oops. I hate these gaps but am glad that we're good at staying connected, I think the weeks of flirting from a distance really make the reunions that much more satisfying and definitely keep us from taking each other for granted.
Anyway, I have actually been in a fantabulous mood today, despite it being a chilly, gray day outside. I wish I could bottle this feeling.
I hope everyone's having a great weekend, love y'all!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Anticipating Changes
So I had an interesting conversation with Match the other night about my weight. I know I've mentioned in the past that I get worried sometimes when he compliments my body, because I know at some point I need to/should/will (let's be optimistic) put a significant amount back on. Significant to me at least. It's all relative. Anyway.
But there is also the fact that I was at a *lifetime* high weight for a big chunk of our first year together, when I somehow first attracted him, we first became intimate, etc. So obviously an extra XX pounds isn't going to send him running to the hills. I know that intellectually, just hard to shake that visceral fear about it.
The other night he asked me pretty pointedly when I thought I would be ready to start putting weight on. And then, being the psychology-trained person that he is, he wouldn't let me get away with an "um yeah I'll work on it" and asked me specifically how I would work on it, what I would change. That brought up the exercise stuff, and I think talking through it made me realize once again how much it completely controls my life.
A big concern is that I'm starting my PhD program in less than a year, and my work schedule will probably change dramatically. My current adviser lets me work from home, and I only make an appearance on campus for an hour or two at a time a couple of days a week. Honestly there is no one in my department I really want to see, and my labmate is a chauvinistic ass. Moving on...
Anyway when I start at a new school I'll probably have to be much more present around campus, and after a year or so I'll be spending 6-9 months at a time in Third World country, probably one that will be a lot less safe than where I've previously worked, which means no long solo hikes to let off pent up exercise anxiety. Plus exposure to a lot more diseases and other things itching to take advantage of a weakened immune system. So in anticipation of all of this, I have got to get a fucking grip before that point.
So yes, freeing up time, and really just freeing up my peace of mind, is something I really need to do, and cutting exercise is the way to make it happen. Easier said than done, but I think some fires have been lit under me recently.
Match also made sure to point out that he loved my body XX pounds ago and even if I got way heavier than that I'd be the same Cammy to him. [awww]. BUT Fat Days really don't depend much on the image perceived by the people around you or even what's actually in the mirror. Images in the mirror are tricky and not to be trusted, in my experience at least.
So now I'm scrambling for some profound denouement to this post. I guess the main thing is that I realize at some point I need to just make this happen, and sometimes talking about it with someone who is a part of my life but outside of the disorder is a big help. Not a substitute for therapy by any means, but a nice complement.
I hope everyone is having a great week so far, love y'all.
[EDIT: I know the part about me never going to campus because there isn't anyone I want to see makes me sound like an antisocial misanthrope, but I *swear* I am actually pretty sociable and good at making friends. I've always had a really good group of strong friends, even though I switched schools all the time when I was younger. I don't know what it is about the cohort/department here, but I've failed to make any connections whatsoever, and it really, really gets to me. I do wish it were different.]
But there is also the fact that I was at a *lifetime* high weight for a big chunk of our first year together, when I somehow first attracted him, we first became intimate, etc. So obviously an extra XX pounds isn't going to send him running to the hills. I know that intellectually, just hard to shake that visceral fear about it.
The other night he asked me pretty pointedly when I thought I would be ready to start putting weight on. And then, being the psychology-trained person that he is, he wouldn't let me get away with an "um yeah I'll work on it" and asked me specifically how I would work on it, what I would change. That brought up the exercise stuff, and I think talking through it made me realize once again how much it completely controls my life.
A big concern is that I'm starting my PhD program in less than a year, and my work schedule will probably change dramatically. My current adviser lets me work from home, and I only make an appearance on campus for an hour or two at a time a couple of days a week. Honestly there is no one in my department I really want to see, and my labmate is a chauvinistic ass. Moving on...
Anyway when I start at a new school I'll probably have to be much more present around campus, and after a year or so I'll be spending 6-9 months at a time in Third World country, probably one that will be a lot less safe than where I've previously worked, which means no long solo hikes to let off pent up exercise anxiety. Plus exposure to a lot more diseases and other things itching to take advantage of a weakened immune system. So in anticipation of all of this, I have got to get a fucking grip before that point.
So yes, freeing up time, and really just freeing up my peace of mind, is something I really need to do, and cutting exercise is the way to make it happen. Easier said than done, but I think some fires have been lit under me recently.
Match also made sure to point out that he loved my body XX pounds ago and even if I got way heavier than that I'd be the same Cammy to him. [awww]. BUT Fat Days really don't depend much on the image perceived by the people around you or even what's actually in the mirror. Images in the mirror are tricky and not to be trusted, in my experience at least.
So now I'm scrambling for some profound denouement to this post. I guess the main thing is that I realize at some point I need to just make this happen, and sometimes talking about it with someone who is a part of my life but outside of the disorder is a big help. Not a substitute for therapy by any means, but a nice complement.
I hope everyone is having a great week so far, love y'all.
[EDIT: I know the part about me never going to campus because there isn't anyone I want to see makes me sound like an antisocial misanthrope, but I *swear* I am actually pretty sociable and good at making friends. I've always had a really good group of strong friends, even though I switched schools all the time when I was younger. I don't know what it is about the cohort/department here, but I've failed to make any connections whatsoever, and it really, really gets to me. I do wish it were different.]
Friday, September 9, 2011
CRT?
Today has been a lot calmer and quieter inside my head. Or maybe just more exhausted. Whatever works.
I really, *really* wish I knew what makes my brain feel like it's about to explode one day and then be stressed but manageable the next.
I went to therapy yesterday afternoon. The first time crying in front of a given therapist is always rather awkward. I really have gotten to like T, though, even though I wasn't sure about her at first.
I had a training session today, and added an extra snack afterwards (note that's not a "eat something now and subtract the calories from lunch" snack, it's actually--gasp--extra food). I'm still not sure if I'm right about the fat-anxiety link, but it seems strongly possible to me, and even if that's not the issue... I know I need to be careful about at least maintaining and probably putting on some weight and, yes, fat. I really did go into the training thing wanting to get stronger and probably add a bit of weight, so I'm trying hard to make sure it stays positive and healthy.
T. scored major points today by e-mailing me a few journal articles to read and see if I'm interested in trying out the approaches they used with people recovering from anorexia. She's getting to know and appreciate the research nerd that I am, and it made me feel legitimized that she sent me primary literature to consider instead of trying a Mickey Mouse explanation of the therapy approach.
They're about Cognitive Remediation Therapy--which, from what I gather, seems to be a way to ground people that are too freaked out and anxious to focus on doing CBT initially. It basically just looks like a lot of little cognitive drills to help increase flexibility and set-shifting skills. I guess I just gave you the Mickey Mouse explanation, apologies. :/
Has anyone ever done CRT, did it seem to be useful?
Just as a side note, it bothered me that one of the papers is a case study that did 2- and 6-month followups with the patient, and the data table clearly showed that she gained a good bit of weight from baseline to 2-month point, but then lost significant weight between the 2- and 6-month followups, enough to drag her below healthy BMI again--and no mention of that weight loss was made in the paper. It seemed significant to me.
Also, I'm going to mush for a minute and say I really love my boyfriend. He seems to be able to pull smiles out of me when nothing else can. I hate that I worry him so much sometimes.
Still a lot to stress about, but my brain feels less like a hurricane today. Thanks for all the supportive comments; really hope everyone has a good weekend.
Love y'all.
I really, *really* wish I knew what makes my brain feel like it's about to explode one day and then be stressed but manageable the next.
I went to therapy yesterday afternoon. The first time crying in front of a given therapist is always rather awkward. I really have gotten to like T, though, even though I wasn't sure about her at first.
I had a training session today, and added an extra snack afterwards (note that's not a "eat something now and subtract the calories from lunch" snack, it's actually--gasp--extra food). I'm still not sure if I'm right about the fat-anxiety link, but it seems strongly possible to me, and even if that's not the issue... I know I need to be careful about at least maintaining and probably putting on some weight and, yes, fat. I really did go into the training thing wanting to get stronger and probably add a bit of weight, so I'm trying hard to make sure it stays positive and healthy.
T. scored major points today by e-mailing me a few journal articles to read and see if I'm interested in trying out the approaches they used with people recovering from anorexia. She's getting to know and appreciate the research nerd that I am, and it made me feel legitimized that she sent me primary literature to consider instead of trying a Mickey Mouse explanation of the therapy approach.
They're about Cognitive Remediation Therapy--which, from what I gather, seems to be a way to ground people that are too freaked out and anxious to focus on doing CBT initially. It basically just looks like a lot of little cognitive drills to help increase flexibility and set-shifting skills. I guess I just gave you the Mickey Mouse explanation, apologies. :/
Has anyone ever done CRT, did it seem to be useful?
Just as a side note, it bothered me that one of the papers is a case study that did 2- and 6-month followups with the patient, and the data table clearly showed that she gained a good bit of weight from baseline to 2-month point, but then lost significant weight between the 2- and 6-month followups, enough to drag her below healthy BMI again--and no mention of that weight loss was made in the paper. It seemed significant to me.
Also, I'm going to mush for a minute and say I really love my boyfriend. He seems to be able to pull smiles out of me when nothing else can. I hate that I worry him so much sometimes.
Still a lot to stress about, but my brain feels less like a hurricane today. Thanks for all the supportive comments; really hope everyone has a good weekend.
Love y'all.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Less Fat = More Freak?
My anxiety has been sky-high again today. I had a therapy session this afternoon. I really like my new therapist and was glad I got to talk to someone, but I still feel really jittery and unsatisfied and stressed. I have really felt like I had ADD while trying to work on my thesis, and have even had a hard time focusing on pleasure reading, which is rare for me.
I had a light-bulb moment a few minutes ago, though: I recently wrote about the results of my strength-training regimen, which hasn't caused me to lose any weight but *has* dropped my body fat percentage, which was already really too low. I am wondering if that drop could have precipitated the recent spate of high-anxiety days; I know that body composition and weight can indeed affect moods and thought patterns. Just a hypothesis, but something I'll have to think about and maybe bring up in therapy next week.
I had a light-bulb moment a few minutes ago, though: I recently wrote about the results of my strength-training regimen, which hasn't caused me to lose any weight but *has* dropped my body fat percentage, which was already really too low. I am wondering if that drop could have precipitated the recent spate of high-anxiety days; I know that body composition and weight can indeed affect moods and thought patterns. Just a hypothesis, but something I'll have to think about and maybe bring up in therapy next week.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Wishing for a Re-do
Match was here for Labor Day weekend, and it turned out to be a really hard visit. Usually I'm on Cloud 9 after a weekend with my boy, but this time I was left just feeling kind of exhausted and wishing so badly I was anyone except for me.
He and I are okay, just for the record, we started and ended strongly and the relationship is fine right now.
The issue all weekend was my anxiety. It was just through the roof, and I got so frustrated and upset about that, which of course just compounded the entire problem.
I don't think the anxiety had much to do with Match. He was treating me like a princess as usual, we were here at my house, with my usual surroundings: my dog, my food, my gym, etc. We didn't fight, nothing catastrophic happened. I just have so, so much running through my head right now with PhD planning and thesis writing, and my background level of anxiety, which is always humming, is at a full on blare this semester.
That was going on the first day and a half, and then on Saturday it reached a new level when we went to spend the day with some of his extended family that lives near here. That meant my only exercise that day was one morning gym session (not going into specifics but it was a fraction of my norm, and less than even the reduced amount I usually get in on visit weekends), and the food at their house was absolutely un-doable for me. Hence, I was a basketcase internally, and it leaked out a bit. Or a lot. Yes, quite a lot.
I held it together while we were around his family, but as soon as we left I had a bit of a meltdown. We headed home by 8:30 so we'd have time to stop and eat on the way back, since I couldn't have any of what they had for dinner there. I couldn't decide what I wanted and he ended up pulling into a McDonald's for me to quit crying and tell him where to go. I couldn't decide, so we just stayed there because it was getting late.
Note: Once I've got this recovery thing nailed, I am NEVER going to eat another grilled chicken salad in my entire life. It is a perfectly fine meal for most people, but to me it just represents a lot of unhealthy periods. I have eaten them as a a default "just get something in me with protein but as few calories as possible" choice so many times that the sight/taste makes my stomach turn at this point.
Another issue is that Match and I have entirely different sleep schedules/requirements. He doesn't sleep very very late, but likes to lay in bed til about 9 or so on weekends. I am physically incapable of sleeping past 6:30, and after about 7:00 or 7:15 my anxiety is shooting through the roof if my day hasn't started yet. Thus, poor Match wakes up at 8:00 on a Sunday morning and finds his fucking girlfriend sobbing into her pillow because she conjured herself a panic attack in his arms while he was sleeping. Who the hell puts up with that???
Anyway, there were other of incidents like that, and some periods where the noise in my head was just so overwhelming that I had a hard time being present. I had a hard time choosing what to eat and even picking out what to wear, which happens even in normal circumstances but is way worse when I'm in anxiety mode.
It may not seem like a huge deal, but when you only get 4-5 nights a month with someone, every hour counts.
It wasn't an entirely blown weekend. We had another special anniversary date--we weren't together on the actual day, so we celebrated it both before and after--and that one went really well. After the meltdowns Saturday night and Sunday morning, the rest of Sunday was pretty good, and we had half of Monday before he had to fly out. Although to be honest the main thing keeping my anxiety down on Monday was knowing he was leaving and I could resume my normal exercise/eating by lunchtime. I *hate* being that person.
So there was this unsettling mix of relief of going back to usual when he left combined with a really sharp regret for not making more of the weekend and wishing I could have him back to redo the whole thing as a normal person, and that I didn't have to give him back at all.
We have been doing these weekend visits for over a year now, and I have no idea why I was just such a freak on this one. There have been others where I actually got less exercise; I guess it's related to everything else going on in my life as well right now. But plenty of people deal with those things without becoming a snot-slinging bag of patheticness (patheticity? patheticitude? insert your favorite suffix here). I really can't stand being this way and wish I could just quit being me sometimes.
He and I are okay, just for the record, we started and ended strongly and the relationship is fine right now.
The issue all weekend was my anxiety. It was just through the roof, and I got so frustrated and upset about that, which of course just compounded the entire problem.
I don't think the anxiety had much to do with Match. He was treating me like a princess as usual, we were here at my house, with my usual surroundings: my dog, my food, my gym, etc. We didn't fight, nothing catastrophic happened. I just have so, so much running through my head right now with PhD planning and thesis writing, and my background level of anxiety, which is always humming, is at a full on blare this semester.
That was going on the first day and a half, and then on Saturday it reached a new level when we went to spend the day with some of his extended family that lives near here. That meant my only exercise that day was one morning gym session (not going into specifics but it was a fraction of my norm, and less than even the reduced amount I usually get in on visit weekends), and the food at their house was absolutely un-doable for me. Hence, I was a basketcase internally, and it leaked out a bit. Or a lot. Yes, quite a lot.
I held it together while we were around his family, but as soon as we left I had a bit of a meltdown. We headed home by 8:30 so we'd have time to stop and eat on the way back, since I couldn't have any of what they had for dinner there. I couldn't decide what I wanted and he ended up pulling into a McDonald's for me to quit crying and tell him where to go. I couldn't decide, so we just stayed there because it was getting late.
Note: Once I've got this recovery thing nailed, I am NEVER going to eat another grilled chicken salad in my entire life. It is a perfectly fine meal for most people, but to me it just represents a lot of unhealthy periods. I have eaten them as a a default "just get something in me with protein but as few calories as possible" choice so many times that the sight/taste makes my stomach turn at this point.
Another issue is that Match and I have entirely different sleep schedules/requirements. He doesn't sleep very very late, but likes to lay in bed til about 9 or so on weekends. I am physically incapable of sleeping past 6:30, and after about 7:00 or 7:15 my anxiety is shooting through the roof if my day hasn't started yet. Thus, poor Match wakes up at 8:00 on a Sunday morning and finds his fucking girlfriend sobbing into her pillow because she conjured herself a panic attack in his arms while he was sleeping. Who the hell puts up with that???
Anyway, there were other of incidents like that, and some periods where the noise in my head was just so overwhelming that I had a hard time being present. I had a hard time choosing what to eat and even picking out what to wear, which happens even in normal circumstances but is way worse when I'm in anxiety mode.
It may not seem like a huge deal, but when you only get 4-5 nights a month with someone, every hour counts.
It wasn't an entirely blown weekend. We had another special anniversary date--we weren't together on the actual day, so we celebrated it both before and after--and that one went really well. After the meltdowns Saturday night and Sunday morning, the rest of Sunday was pretty good, and we had half of Monday before he had to fly out. Although to be honest the main thing keeping my anxiety down on Monday was knowing he was leaving and I could resume my normal exercise/eating by lunchtime. I *hate* being that person.
So there was this unsettling mix of relief of going back to usual when he left combined with a really sharp regret for not making more of the weekend and wishing I could have him back to redo the whole thing as a normal person, and that I didn't have to give him back at all.
We have been doing these weekend visits for over a year now, and I have no idea why I was just such a freak on this one. There have been others where I actually got less exercise; I guess it's related to everything else going on in my life as well right now. But plenty of people deal with those things without becoming a snot-slinging bag of patheticness (patheticity? patheticitude? insert your favorite suffix here). I really can't stand being this way and wish I could just quit being me sometimes.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Progress Report
***Disclaimer**** This post has mentions of changes in body fat/size/etc, but no specific numbers. I still wanted to mention it because I am terrified of posting anything that would trigger someone. I am always careful not to do specifics, but still worry. The only number in this one is a (normal) number of minutes in a strength training routine under supervision of a licensed trainer.
So, a couple of months ago I mentioned that I had started seeing a personal trainer a couple of times a month, mainly to get some strength on my frame, try to scale back on the obsessive cardio, and make myself more at peace with adding weight back. I've been away traveling for chunks of the summer, but I've done pretty well with keeping up the weight and strength training routines. I don't usually give details of exercise habits, but I think these are pretty normal so it's okay to mention that I've basically been doing it for about 30 minutes 2-3 times a week--although less frequently when I've been out of town, obviously. And I've been subbing it for cardio time, ie not adding that 30 minutes on top of what I was already doing.
I have always been told that weight/strength training can be as good of a workout as cardio, but never really wanted to believe it. I clung to my obsessive calorie tracking on the bike/elliptical/treadmill/whatever has moving parts and an LED display, convinced that the key was to go as fast, long, and steadily as possible to keep in good shape.
I think this experiment with the personal trainer has really opened my eyes, though. Even just the small amount of substitution I have done (the reason I mentioned the frequency/length above was to be sure it's obvious I haven't been doing this a ton) has *really* produced a change in my body, it's been fascinating to watch.
Yesterday was my 2 month fitness assessment to track my progress since I started with the trainer. I was amazed at how much better I was at pumping out the pull-ups, push-ups, etc, made me feel kind of sorry for the feeble me that started at the beginning of the summer.
And it felt *good*. It felt so nice to feel powerful and strong, instead of dragged out and empty after a long cardio push. It's the "grrrr" effect. I got tired, no doubt, but it's a very different kind of tired. There is quite a difference in being exhausted in a few areas of your body and having your entire system depleted of energy.
One part of the assessment was weighing and measuring. I know this sounds like a *bad* idea for someone in ED recovery, and I agree, actually, very much so. But, I figured there wouldn't be any big shockers from a weigh-in, though, since I weigh myself at home every day any way, and I might as well not bring attention to myself by explaining why I wanted to skip that part. It is a bit awkward that my trainer is a 23 year old female (I'm soon to be 25), but she's a lot shorter and a different body type than me, so I guess the comparison pressure isn't all that bad.
Anyway, the weigh/measure was a bit of a shocker but in a different way than expected. I *may* put on a bit of weight since I started (it's actually within daily flux range, and I know from my home weigh-ins that it might be a tiny bit but not really enough to merit much thought). That's fine with me, because I know I'm still below where I have been before and where I probably should be. But the surprise, and one that I don't really know how to feel about, was that I'd lost fat % and inches everywhere. Please keep in mind that that was *not* my goal. My goal was to be stronger and feel fitter and better about my body in a functional sense. I didn't really think I needed to lose inches and I knew I didn't need to lose fat (I want a bigger cup size! Please! Is a B too much to ask?).
I had actually expected my measurements to be *bigger* because I'd noticed more definition in my arms when I flexed, and I truly thought they looked bigger. Mirror tricks are nothing new, I guess. One reason I avoided lifting weights for so long was that I was afraid of "bulking up," but I guess I'm living proof that you can do the opposite without losing weight and maybe even while gaining it.
So anyway, I guess I don't know how to feel about that. I am happy to feel stronger and see that I can make improvements without having to get all obsessive about a routine. The nice thing about strength training is that it's very hard to over-do it; my muscles just won't lift any more after a certain point (doesn't take long to get there), and after that they need a couple of days to recoup if I want them to get stronger.
On the other hand, I didn't really need to lose that fat and don't want to lose any more. I might look "normal thin" to most people used to modern media images (I have no idea how I look in reality, honestly, just guessing here because I'm not emaciated or attention-getting thin but still technically underweight), but I know I'm still under where I need to be for best health. The obvious answer would be to cut back on the cardio that I'm doing, and I really think that needs to be my next goal. Since I've been doing the strength training I've been trying to get more protein and eat more frequently on those workout days (although without really adding any calories, just rearranging them). So another thing I could do is boost energy intake....but I feel like lifestyle-wise is is the exercise that really needs to be worked on. I eat enough that I can manage in most out-of-routine situations and can have pretty much whatever foods I want in "real person" portions or even larger. Or I could, gasp, try both at the same time, if it doesn't make my head explode.
This is long and rambly and I really hope that the talk of losing fat and inches isn't triggering. I've vacillated back and forth over whether to post this, actually, and have been sitting on it a couple of days. I just wanted to reiterate that I have NOT been increasing my exercise total, losing weight, or aiming to become one of those stringy scary muscle beast women that stalk around Gold's Gym twitching their quads at people (yes, I see them every day). So I was a bit unsure about posting, but I have been such a skeptic on the cardio vs non cardio exercise issue that I really felt like it deserved a testimonial.
I guess the gist in anecdotal form is: In spring 2010 I was working on reducing cardio, cut my cardio almost in half....and didn't really see a weight or body change...all that extra working out I'd been doing hadn't really affected my body size/shape except to wear it out. (Didn't keep me from reverting back to the higher level later that year, more as stress relief than anything else. Work in progress). So in a nutshell, X hours more of cardio really matter, but subbing in just a couple of short strength sessions a week has quantifiably changed my body and shown me that cardio all the way isn't really the best for making a person fit overall. Should've been a duh, I guess, but old habits die hard. I guess I just find that kind of thing fascinating, I like data. I am NOT writing this to convince everyone to go out and start lifting weights, of course, wouldn't advise anyone to start a routine without consulting at least their therapist and probably a doctor (yes, my therapist and doctor know I've been doing this). Okay I hope that is enough disclaimering and no one will hate me. *cringe*
Match will be here in 3 hours for our September weekend, woot!
Love y'all.
So, a couple of months ago I mentioned that I had started seeing a personal trainer a couple of times a month, mainly to get some strength on my frame, try to scale back on the obsessive cardio, and make myself more at peace with adding weight back. I've been away traveling for chunks of the summer, but I've done pretty well with keeping up the weight and strength training routines. I don't usually give details of exercise habits, but I think these are pretty normal so it's okay to mention that I've basically been doing it for about 30 minutes 2-3 times a week--although less frequently when I've been out of town, obviously. And I've been subbing it for cardio time, ie not adding that 30 minutes on top of what I was already doing.
I have always been told that weight/strength training can be as good of a workout as cardio, but never really wanted to believe it. I clung to my obsessive calorie tracking on the bike/elliptical/treadmill/whatever has moving parts and an LED display, convinced that the key was to go as fast, long, and steadily as possible to keep in good shape.
I think this experiment with the personal trainer has really opened my eyes, though. Even just the small amount of substitution I have done (the reason I mentioned the frequency/length above was to be sure it's obvious I haven't been doing this a ton) has *really* produced a change in my body, it's been fascinating to watch.
Yesterday was my 2 month fitness assessment to track my progress since I started with the trainer. I was amazed at how much better I was at pumping out the pull-ups, push-ups, etc, made me feel kind of sorry for the feeble me that started at the beginning of the summer.
And it felt *good*. It felt so nice to feel powerful and strong, instead of dragged out and empty after a long cardio push. It's the "grrrr" effect. I got tired, no doubt, but it's a very different kind of tired. There is quite a difference in being exhausted in a few areas of your body and having your entire system depleted of energy.
One part of the assessment was weighing and measuring. I know this sounds like a *bad* idea for someone in ED recovery, and I agree, actually, very much so. But, I figured there wouldn't be any big shockers from a weigh-in, though, since I weigh myself at home every day any way, and I might as well not bring attention to myself by explaining why I wanted to skip that part. It is a bit awkward that my trainer is a 23 year old female (I'm soon to be 25), but she's a lot shorter and a different body type than me, so I guess the comparison pressure isn't all that bad.
Anyway, the weigh/measure was a bit of a shocker but in a different way than expected. I *may* put on a bit of weight since I started (it's actually within daily flux range, and I know from my home weigh-ins that it might be a tiny bit but not really enough to merit much thought). That's fine with me, because I know I'm still below where I have been before and where I probably should be. But the surprise, and one that I don't really know how to feel about, was that I'd lost fat % and inches everywhere. Please keep in mind that that was *not* my goal. My goal was to be stronger and feel fitter and better about my body in a functional sense. I didn't really think I needed to lose inches and I knew I didn't need to lose fat (I want a bigger cup size! Please! Is a B too much to ask?).
I had actually expected my measurements to be *bigger* because I'd noticed more definition in my arms when I flexed, and I truly thought they looked bigger. Mirror tricks are nothing new, I guess. One reason I avoided lifting weights for so long was that I was afraid of "bulking up," but I guess I'm living proof that you can do the opposite without losing weight and maybe even while gaining it.
So anyway, I guess I don't know how to feel about that. I am happy to feel stronger and see that I can make improvements without having to get all obsessive about a routine. The nice thing about strength training is that it's very hard to over-do it; my muscles just won't lift any more after a certain point (doesn't take long to get there), and after that they need a couple of days to recoup if I want them to get stronger.
On the other hand, I didn't really need to lose that fat and don't want to lose any more. I might look "normal thin" to most people used to modern media images (I have no idea how I look in reality, honestly, just guessing here because I'm not emaciated or attention-getting thin but still technically underweight), but I know I'm still under where I need to be for best health. The obvious answer would be to cut back on the cardio that I'm doing, and I really think that needs to be my next goal. Since I've been doing the strength training I've been trying to get more protein and eat more frequently on those workout days (although without really adding any calories, just rearranging them). So another thing I could do is boost energy intake....but I feel like lifestyle-wise is is the exercise that really needs to be worked on. I eat enough that I can manage in most out-of-routine situations and can have pretty much whatever foods I want in "real person" portions or even larger. Or I could, gasp, try both at the same time, if it doesn't make my head explode.
This is long and rambly and I really hope that the talk of losing fat and inches isn't triggering. I've vacillated back and forth over whether to post this, actually, and have been sitting on it a couple of days. I just wanted to reiterate that I have NOT been increasing my exercise total, losing weight, or aiming to become one of those stringy scary muscle beast women that stalk around Gold's Gym twitching their quads at people (yes, I see them every day). So I was a bit unsure about posting, but I have been such a skeptic on the cardio vs non cardio exercise issue that I really felt like it deserved a testimonial.
I guess the gist in anecdotal form is: In spring 2010 I was working on reducing cardio, cut my cardio almost in half....and didn't really see a weight or body change...all that extra working out I'd been doing hadn't really affected my body size/shape except to wear it out. (Didn't keep me from reverting back to the higher level later that year, more as stress relief than anything else. Work in progress). So in a nutshell, X hours more of cardio really matter, but subbing in just a couple of short strength sessions a week has quantifiably changed my body and shown me that cardio all the way isn't really the best for making a person fit overall. Should've been a duh, I guess, but old habits die hard. I guess I just find that kind of thing fascinating, I like data. I am NOT writing this to convince everyone to go out and start lifting weights, of course, wouldn't advise anyone to start a routine without consulting at least their therapist and probably a doctor (yes, my therapist and doctor know I've been doing this). Okay I hope that is enough disclaimering and no one will hate me. *cringe*
Match will be here in 3 hours for our September weekend, woot!
Love y'all.
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