Behind on Balance

I haven't been posting all that frequently lately, partly because I've been hella busy (but busy in a Good Fulfilling Gets a Thumbs Up from My Therapist way) and partly because I haven't really known what to say.  At my last session with T I mostly dissected the argument I'd had with Match earlier in the week and we had a relationship-themed session. (M. and I are fine now, very much so, by the way. T-minus 8 days til I see him!)

Random fact d'jour: despite food issues (or maybe perhaps because of them to some degree, have fun psychologizing that), I really like seasonal foods.  And because I really have never had a junk food aversion over the course of my ED, some have stayed staunch traditions.  So fall brings the advent of the Fall Fab Four: Little Debbie's Pumpkin Flips, Count Chocula cereal, salted caramel Starbucks lattes, and, of course, Reese's peanut butter pumpkins.  Go ahead, judge me, and while you're doing that pass me the Reese's if you don't want yours. ;p

I'm hitting the PhD interview circuit again tomorrow, flying to Far Away State for a couple of days to visit the campus, meet the prof and other students, and generally do a lot of evaluating and being evaluated.  Pressure? No... *gulp*

I honestly get more nervous about meeting the other (all female, in this lab) grad students than the professor, since I know I'll actually spend more time with them than him.  Girls are hard, man.  I have plenty of close girlfriends, but honestly when it comes to new introductions and trying to know where you stand with people in a professional situation, I prefer dealing with men ten times over.  I've already Facebook spied on them (this lab of grad students) and everyone seems pretty down-to-earth, but you never know.  One thing I like about my field is that by this point in the career path you've weeded out most of the un-down-to-earth people, just due to the nature of the work.

Okay that's the work news.  EDwise,  the main issue that I'm really struggling with right now, and don't know how to begin to fix, is just feeling so incredibly off balance.  I've started rearranging my food to allow for bigger breakfasts more often, and more afternoon snacks, have worked at making sure to have fats and proteins, but I feel like nothing I do really matters and my body is just never satisfied.  Not in a "I want to keep eating and binge" way but in a "I'm so fucking tired of eating and my body is still hungry/weak/generally whiney."  I think I've noticed I've been hungrier more often since I've been doing strength training over the past few months.  I haven't lost weight, but I know my body has changed (discussed previously).  I thought just jacking up the protein intake would take care of it (you would be AMAZED at the things I've managed to slip protein powder into), but I don't know.

 I really wish I could still afford to see that dietitian that I liked so much, but not only am I flat broke, she works in the same office as the therapist that I had a hard time with and eventually dumped in an avoidant and, in retrospect, less than professional way. #Awkward.  Before I started with that dietician  I always sort of scorned the idea of nutritional counseling--I have a fucking eating disorder AND a biology degree (almost 2 now!): I know nutrition facts and recommendations and calculations and don't need to pay someone $XX an hour to give me guidelines I probably won't follow anyway. But anyway, to make a short story long, I am not good at taking whatever facts (no I don't presume to know them all, ego check) and applying them to myself and processing my thoughts about them, and finally having a good experience with a dietician definitely shifted my opinion about the whole deal and now I want mine back. :(

So anyway, jetting off tomorrow, I'll report back this weekend.  Love y'all!