So, we had a Big Event for graduating seniors on campus today, which involved dressing up, etc. I have been in a state of high anxiety for various reasons this week, and so getting ready for this event was sort of the straw that broke the Cammy's back. (hyuk hyuk...humor my humor, it's been a long day).
The afternoon went something like this:
-I had planned a cute outfit, then tried it on and realized the contours of my monster of a post-lunch stomach show way too much, had to find an alternate ensemble. Try to convince myself I'm the only one who Notices the belly, but still wonder if people will wonder whether I'm pregnant or not.
-A whirlwind through the closet yields a variety of other alternatives, all of which are tried on and almost all of which elicit the same feeling of despair and disgust at how a nice outfit can become so hideous once it is put onto this body. Try to convince myself I'm the only one who Notices.
-Finally it gets so late that I have to pick the least of all evils and get out the door. Am ultra aware of how huge I look all the way to campus, every time I catch a glimpse of myself while passing a window, my self esteem plunges a few more notches. Try to convince myself no one else will Notice.
-Enter auditorium. Still a few minutes before we have to sit down, people are standing around mingling.
-Spot J., start to head towards him.
-J looks me up, looks me down, and does that damn smiling thing (see background info above) that should have put me on Cloud 9.
-Instead, my only reaction is to realize that yes, someone did Notice, and I burst into tears.
Why do I fail at every opportunity to function like a human being?
I am feeling really low tonight. I'm just so tired, of everything. I am extremely, extremely uncomfortable at my weight right now, but I'm only to the halfway point for what I'm "supposed" to gain. I hate how I look, I hate how soft I feel, I hate the fact that I feel so worn out even though I know, know, know I have more energy reserves packed into this body than at almost any other time in my life. I'm tired of day after day of following a mealplan while still not feeling free from the ED behaviors and thoughts. I'm tired of having to be ultra careful with my chewing, because years of malnutrition are resulting in rapid evaporation of the enamel on my teeth. I'm tired of my walking routes. I'm tired of not knowing where I will be in 2 months, six months, a year. I'm tired of waiting until after I shower to put my contacts in, so I can't catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I step out, because I just can't face my body right now. I'm tired of taking food and health for granted when so many other people in the world would feel rich to have access to even a fraction of the food that I've got in my kitchen.
I'm tired of this hamster wheel that has become my life.
Most of all, I'm tired of not being able to envision living any other way.
13 comments:
So, I just read your post after I posted mine, and I found it pretty funny we kind of used the same analogy...(and I was worried you would think I read yours and copied your idea and think I was so totally uncool...not that you ever thought I was cool to begin with, but ANYWAY...)
In regards to your post, I am really sorry you are having one of those days. It sucks, and I wish there was ANYTHING I could say to make it even a little better, but some days all the logic in the world can't seem to dispel those ugly feelings. And so I'll hope for you the same thing I hope for myself. A better tomorrow :)
I'm a complete stranger. I stumbled on your blog by accident. This is the only post I've ever read.
And now I am crying a little, and wishing I could comfort you. Because I know how you feel.
So here's me, a complete and somewhat dribbly stranger, patting you gently and saying silly comforting things like, "There there, it'll be okay. Just get through this. It'll be okay."
Now I need to go blow my nose. Sorry I'm not any better at this.
[hugs]
In elementary school, I used to panic that I would never be able to learn everything I needed to learn to graduate high school. My mom would have to reassure me that it would come in little steps, year by year.
Remind yourself of that. You are strong and will continue to grow stronger on top of that. It's just how it works, you know? It's awful and scary, but it will come.
Be good to you. [more hugs]
Another air-hug coming your way from me.
It will get better. Your brain, despite the unbelievable intelligence it possesses, will not change as quickly as your body does. It sucks, it sucks giant sasquatch balls, but it will get better.
I know you've heard that a dozen times, but maybe 13th time's the charm.
Also, burningsteady, I used to have that exact terror. I was over it by the time I hit high school, but a teeny part of me was still amazed when I got my diploma.
Oh, Cammy, I'm tired too (of many of the things you mentioned). Recovery is exhausting, and I'm not sure when it starts to "feel right." I know you will feel better in a day or two. It's ok to have these sucky days. We all do.
And, like Lisa said, everyone tells me the brain lags behind the body. You may be recovering physically, but it may take a while for it to "click" in that mysterious way, mentally... THat's what I keep telling myself, anyway...
(((hugs))) to you. It doesn't seem fair, and I hear you on being tired of it; I am too.
You are sounding a bit depressed, and I hope you are taking care of yourself. I know how much it hurts to have to gain. But that other person would not be giving you that smile unless you were truly valuable, ya know?
Just another stranger who really understands and is hurting because you are. You can make it through this and more. Hang in there and take care of YOU.
Hey C...
I could really, really relate to this blog today. It made me sad to see how distorted you are. Just the other day I was looking at photos of you on Facebook, and I realized that you are very beautiful - really. I'm not just saying that.
There is SO MUCH more to yout than your body. You are amazing. I hope you can let that in.
And take a nap. You deserve it. ;)
Gentle hugs sweetie (from the computer, who I know is not really who you want them from.) I find graduation times tough anyway and I think a lot of people feel emotional during these types of events. It's the end of something familiar and the beginning of something that you don't know about. That's scary and sad at the same time, and it's hard to dredge up excitement when you don't see something concrete that you're moving towards. It's 242342x harder when you don't have the trust in yourself to know you'll be okay and can make the transition healthfully and happily. I feel for you. I know how much it hurts when people notice your body and all you want to do is be back in your room hiding it. I'm so proud of you for going to the event anyway and for coming here and writing about it afterwards instead of punishing yourself in another way. That in itself is a sign of progress, you know? You went, you dealt with your emotions positively. I hope today was better.
i don't know when it starts to get better, some days are fine(ish), and others exactly the way you described in your post. and you won't need me to tell you that he would have been smiling for other reasons, because he cares for you and you maybe don't look as close to death as you used to (this is a guess). but it still takes a while for all of these things to sink in and link together on a deeper level.
really though i want to thank you for putting together such an articulate and intelligent account of recovery from this horrible illness.
I'm sorry you're feeling so tired of everything. I feel the same way right now. But it's sad that you're feeling this way when you are so young and have the rest of your life in front of you. I hope you find a way to feel better about the future. Hugs....
I don't have anything else other than I'm there with you...
Maybe we can make this journey together?
Thinking of you, Cammy!
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