Exercise Thoughts D'jour

As I've mentioned before, exercise is one area in which I have made almost no progress so far in my recovery.  I know at some level that the amount of time I spend working out is insane, but I don't remember living any other way.  This is my modus operandi; I don't decide to do it, it's just default.  That same old argument.

H. is trying to convince me that cutting the exercise won't make me balloon.  I find this unfathomable.  Even with the exercise, I've still gained weight from upping my meal plan over the past year, with some plateaus but a definite upward trend.  I'm still not within my normal BMI range, but I'm inching in that direction.  Progress with eating makes it even harder to curb the exercise, because 1) gaining weight causes anxiety, which is vented through workouts and 2) I have more energy now that I'm not restricting.  My logical, quantitative brain refuses to accept that I can cut out a significant amount of exercise, in other words to stop burning as many calories, and yet still not become overweight.  I'm fattening up even with the workouts!  Numbers, numbers numbers.  I've gained weight at exactly the rate all the textbooks predict, according to the increase in my calories, during the times I've been consistent with the meal plan.  But what happens when I decrease the calories out on top of that?  Simple math . . . It makes me want to cling to exercise more tightly than ever.

I hope none of that was triggering (I always worry about that), I want to make clear that that is what my ED is constantly screaming in my ear.  H., however, who is a Smart Lady, has been treating EDs for decades, and has yet to steer me wrong, is insisting that cutting the exercise won't make me gain excessive weight.  The body doesn't read the textbooks, doesn't do math, and doesn't always work in a linear fashion.  The calories-in vs calories-out model is appropriate for some things, but doesn't take into account the way our metabolisms adjust their rates according to the care (or lack thereof) that we give our bodies.

H's argument: the constant exercise is teaching my body that it needs to hang onto all the energy it can, because it is going to need every scrap of it to sustain through the workouts.  Once I've established a healthier activity pattern, my metabolism will normalize and won't "want" to store every calorie. 

This makes sense, and is also ironic.  The whole reason the exercise compulsion developed within my AN journey was because I saw it as a way to keep my metabolism from coming to a complete standstill during restriction.  I figured a few workouts a day were a sure way to keep my system revved up, and then it kind of took on a life of its own and is now the dominant force in my ED.  Apparently, though, the metabolic benefits of working out can reach a point of diminishing returns, shifting into the realm of counterproductivity. 

I'm trying to convince myself of this.  I know that it makes sense, and that both H. and my nutritionist should know what they're talking about.  It's just so hard to put into practice.  I'll be moving this summer, and will have the chance to set up a new routine, this is a chance to force myself to take a leap.  Plus, it's not like cutting the workouts means I'm going to sit like a lump on the couch all day, it will just give me time to do "real life" activities that I miss out on during all my hours spent on the bike, with the aerobics DVD, etc.  

I don't have a very profound conclusion for this post, mostly just the musings of the day.