I have never, never been comfortable with my appearance. This came way before the weight issues. I could/can list a zillion things wrong with my nose, eyes, skin, teeth, you name it and I hate it. I have always been too wrapped up in other things to spend a ton of time on vanity (I am very low-maintenance), but it's always just been a fact of life that I will be displeased when I look in the mirror. In that I know I'm not unique among young women, or any women, or most people in our culture/society.
H. and I have been talking about the fact that one of the many facets of the development of my ED was to use thinness as a proxy for beauty. In a nutshell, the reasoning has always been "If I can't be pretty, at least I'll be skinny."
So that has been the Plan B ever since I was 13. And now I am 1) facing the fact that my body is moving closer and closer to my normal weight range, meaning I can't count on having "skinny" as a fallback, and 2) realizing that I just can't afford to be feeble, not with everything coming up for me in the near future.
Thus, Plan B must die a much-deserved death.
But even a misguided path gives you a direction, and now I am feeling a little lost. Unconfident and very self-conscious and negative and desirous of a rock to crawl under, to spare both myself and the public.
4 comments:
Hm. It´s weird, but I don´t remember meeting someone who was NOT pretty. I don´t know you, but blogs like yours somehow show me a better way than plan B.
Is/was plan A really being pretty? Or something else? I think it is important to identify.
However, in case you need plan B because of feeling not pretty (and everything beyond it) I think there are more interesting plans B you are capable of, for example:
...at least I will become a Nobel Prize winner:)
(Sorry for my ramblings, but not working out for insane amount of time gives me too much time/space/anxiety and this kind of thinking makes it better)
Very good points, Ola, thanks. You're right, it seems like the implied Plan A was to be pretty, on the surface. But that makes me sound terribly shallow (which anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I am not at all wrapped up in appearance, as ironic as that might sound for someone whose lifestyle for the last 9 years has revolved around being thin), and you're right that there was something beyond it. I guess Plan A for everyone is to find some way to have value, to both yourself and others, and the image in the mirror makes for a great scapegoat when we're unhappy with ourselves.
Thanks for nudging me to think/explain deeper on that, that was helpful. <3
Being anorexic is not a vanity, so don't beat yourself up over that.
Some of the most beautiful people I know are not "pretty" in the traditional sense. I'm not talking about their "inner beauty," I'm saying I actually like looking at them. A line, an angle you sometimes catch on someone's face is far more interesting than someone who could be America's Next Top Model.
This post left me quite saddened. I guess it's b/c it brought to light that insecurity we all harbor of our self-images.
Why????
Why do we live like this? Ola was spot-on. I don't remember ever meeting someone who was not beautiful. Ok, I have met plenty of people who are not "beautiful" according to the world's standards.
But upon allowing myself to watch their face as they speak, I begin to notice beauty for what it really is: uniqueness. I hate boxes.
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