Hey everyone, thanks for all the support you sent about me starting the new therapist, that meant a ton to me.
So....I don't know. It's hard to tell anything from the first session; it's most a taking down of history, cast of characters in my life, etc.
Pluses: She doesn't do weigh-ins, she's friendly, she has legit ED experience. She asked if I had a picture of my dog. Which I do: in my wallet, as the wallpaper on my phone, and in a catalog of 200 photos stored on my iPod. M. often points out the disparity between that mobile G. museum and the one careworn picture of him that I have in my wallet...tucked behind the one of the dog of course. ;p
Minuses: She's a bit hippie-ish. I'm not sure if this is actually a minus, maybe I'm being too critical. I am very liberally minded, but the spaceyness is something I am not all that into. She also made a negative comment about the fact that I was brought up Catholic...thumbs down even though I am not religious at all anymore, I don't harbor resentment towards that church or any other, and don't like it when people seem to assume that I do. This is an odd follow up to that point, but I'm afraid she's too nice. I really need someone ready and willing to kick my ass if the need should arise.
She is younger than H, I'd put her in early 30's, maybe a bit younger than the last therapist I saw too.
I'm going to go back for at least 2 more sessions, really am giving this an honest try.
She told me that she's perfectly happy to talk about food/exercise/weight if I want to, but that she won't ask me directly every week about what I'm eating, how many hours I'm working out, etc, she wants to focus more on what's going on in my head behind all of that.
In one way I appreciate that; I really don't want to go in to a food lecture every week. I know what I *should* be doing, the issue is that I can't make myself pull it off, for whatever dysfunctional reason.
On the other hand, I can see it being easy to float through with her. Go in and talk for 45 minutes every week, vent and cry and do the feelings and introspection routine, and yet not make any significant behavioral changes. I think that's the scenario I fear the most. Granted, right now I REALLY do need someone to just talk to. But I also need someone that's not afraid to crack the whip on me when I need it.
Of course, she might be tougher than I think. As M. pointed out: "You can't expect a confrontation on the first day, she wants you to hire her!"
She asked what it was that made things work when I was seeing H. I really had a hard time pinning it down. I did mention that she didn't put up with my avoidant bullshit when it came to making changes. Also, H. made me feel respected, even when I was definitely not functioning well. And I just felt like she really had her shit together. I have a high degree of respect for people who know their stuff and still constantly work on learning more and more, I always felt like I was being investigated like a puzzle rather than studied like a petri dish. She told me a lot of things I didn't want to hear, of course, but she was always right.
Anyway, just some rambling impressions. I left feeling pretty ambivalent. Not really relieved or hopeful, it just was what it was I guess. I do think she's at least a better personality fit than the one I saw here last year. I have another appointment on Monday.
In the mean time, I've been really high anxiety this week over work stuff, I am so.so.so ready to be done with this lab, this school, everything. The end is in sight now, though, less than a year left to slog through and this place is going to be dust behind my wagon fo sho.
I hope everyone is having a great week, thanks again for everyone who offered support before the appointment and checked in afterwards. Love y'all.
5 comments:
Over a year ago, when I still kept a blog, I wrote a similar post to this one. At that time you (or at least I seem to remember it was you) encouraged me to stick it out and give my new therapist a try. Like you I was worried about how it could go after having an AWESOME therapist and then a long break. Long story short, over a year later I am still with the new therapist and she is more AWESOME than my old one ever was :-) The first impressions hadn't been superb but I stuck with it and things have worked out better than I could have hoped for. I'm not completely healed in any way shape or form but I am happier and healthier and stronger than I have ever been!
Good luck and I hope you can follow your own awesome advice!
Sounds generally positive. I do hope that it goes well and that you can connect with her, even if it helps some of the other areas of your life that you've mentioned have been quite stressful, I think that would assist the ed behaviours as well anyway.
Thinking of you lots xo
Crossing my fingers for you, girly-o! xoxo
Yeah for sticking to the three rule ;-) I do think it is important to say what you need from a therapist. At least then she'll have an idea of what you are looking for rather than playing the cat and mouse game.
I hope your next appointments go well. Sometimes, just talking to someone different and new puts things in a different perspective. Much luck!
I definitely understand the thing with whip-cracking and ass-kicking.
But:
1) awesome doesn't automatically mean she's not touhg and won't push you and challenge and encourage to some needed changes.
2) if you are serious about therapy, you will utilize what the therapist will give you no matter the form of it. And vice versa.
Hope it doesn't sound too hard, but ED is all about excuses and reasons why not to change and... there were times when I was "able" to get this imaginary therapist's whip and hurt myself and my people with it so bad, because I have a concept of being hard on myself in my head. Generally I think that someone with ED sometimes doesn't understand that GENTLENESS is powerful (as much as he/she is gentle towards others) and may work as well as a whip...
I hope your next appointment will bring some more concrete impressions and directions and that among all that not so good things in your town this will be a better one! xx
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