Intuitivity is Hard

So I'm currently at a conference, which brings all the challenges and stresses of travel and trying to appear sane around other professionals and potential advisers/employers.

The first day was hard, mainly because it was LONG (several time zone changes) and I spent a big chunk of it on airplanes.  I ended up really dehydrated and was up for almost 23 hours straight.  And at the social event that kicked off the conference that night, there was almost no food and lots of alcohol, which meant my intent to do well with dinner was shot, since I didn't want to venture out into the city after dark by myself looking for food.

BUT I've been trying to do better.  I am sort of testing this intuitive eating thing, but really don't think my body/mind are ready for it.  Basically, my body wants food ALWAYS and more of it, and my mind is not okay with that.  It's weird, I don't really get hungry between my 3 standard meals at home, but I guess the time change plus being released from my normal environment has made my system think it can go haywire.

Anyway, I have faced down some challenges though.  Have had bigger and earlier breakfasts than usual, snacks between meals (since my non-breakfast meals tend to be smaller when I'm not at home) and have had two (TWO) non-salad restaurant lunches in a row now.  And yesterday's was from a street vendor with no nutrition info (estimating isn't hard, but still, it's a bit nerve-wracking).  So those are WINS.  But I just finished one of those lunches, plus a granola bar, and am still famished.  My body and I are mutually antagonistic sometimes I suppose.  "Intuitivity" is not my strong point, apparently.

Anyway have experiences/advice to share about getting stupid body signals balanced?

Anyway, that's that.  The weather here is beautiful and I've had time to walk around exploring, so that helps with the exercise anxiety.

Getting some good leads on profs and am presenting some of my own research on Tuesday.

My lab/rommate is very obese, and I really don't know how to handle it when she makes cracks about her weight.  She really doesn't even eat that much, she's just one of those people that got the slow metabo genes.  Anyway, I'm glad she can joke about it but I never really know the right feedback to give in that situation.  It's not like she doesn't know she's fat, but I'm not going to laugh at her for it even when she's the one that made the joke, you know?

Anyway, adios mis amores.

Bachman Treatment Home?

Am I the only one that did a double-take at the offhand mention in this article that Michelle Bachman's house served as a "treatment home" for girls with EDs, in addition to other foster kids?  One of those "who woulda thunk it" factoids I guess.  I am NOT a fan of her by a longshot, but I won't get all political on you here.

Also, while you're over at NYT, I highly recommend this article:

 Expert on Mental Illness Reveals Her Own Fight

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words?

So the Kid Question post touched on relationshippy-ED issues, and there is another one that has been relevant recently that I thought worth mentioning.

Photos.  Everyone loves to hate them; chances are that whether someone has an ED or not, they judge photos of themselves much more harshly than others do.  It can be a MAJOR source of insecurity, especially with our image-heavy social networking communications.

As you know, M. and I live about 12 hours away from each other, and only see each other once a month (sometimes not even that, our current gap will last exactly 40 days...no fun).  And although we have a good collection of photos of us together from our trips, and can look at tons of pictures of each other on Facebook, it's not the same as real-time.

Which means M. often asks me to snap a phone picture (not the kind that would cost me my job if I were in Congress, although I doubt he'd turn those down either. Forty days, man!), just a random one so he can see my real-time face, picture what I'm wearing that day, etc, so he can feel a bit more connected.  It's nothing creepy, we've been dating almost 2 years now, and he just wants to see my smile sometimes when he's down, or missing me especially hard.

Which, when you are totally repulsed by your own image, is a damn hard thing to do. Sort of a no-win situation: I either send him a picture that I think is awful and fear disappointing him, or send him none at all and fear disappointing him.  It's not like he doesn't know what I look like, of course, I'm just convinced I'm the most unphotogenic person in the world, so even on a day I'd be fine with him seeing me in real life, the pictures are awful.

Not to make him sound like a tyrant, he's anything but.  I have never got anything but fantastic feedback on any photo that I've sent him, and he never gets angry if I don't send one when he asks.  But I think sometimes in relationships people that are perfectionists get anxiety over doing everything as "right" as possible to the nth degree, and it sucks some of the fun out of the whole thing to be mired in overanalysis, much as I'm slipping into right now.

I guess my main point here is that the photo issue isn't exactly a point of contention, but it's a compromise.  He gives in to being happy with getting fewer than he would like, and I give in to sending any at all.

Which brings us to the ultimate point/message of this post: I know all relationships involve compromises, but it seems an ED demands making even more than is typical.  Plenty of things can require some patience and understanding from the partner, and some bravery and willing to step up to challenges for the ED sufferer: meal times, restaurant options, activity plans, sometimes intimacy.  Hard line to walk sometimes, but in the end I think sometimes working through those things, and the honesty and love that requires, can help a couple to bond even more closely.  Or it can cause a lot of strife, depends on the dynamics, of course.

What are some relationship compromises you've had to make, either ED-related or otherwise?

The Kid Question

 Katie left an insightful comment on the A-Z post about whether I'd discussed my complete absence of maternal desire with my boyfriend.  Very good question, especially since we're approaching the 2 year mark and apparently are rather fond of one another.

The short answer is yes.  The long answer is, as always, it's complicated.

I've told him that I don't have the desire for kids, and have given him much more reasoned and detailed reasons that I've gone into here.  And actually, remember back last August when I was having a quarterlife crisis and tried really, reeeeally hard to break up with him? One of the things on my mind, which I told him at the time, was that if he wants to stay in for the long haul he'd be missing a chance to have a family.

His view on the child thing: I think he likes the idea of having a child that is a mixture of you and the person you love, sort of like a cute novelty pet, but he's had a lot of doubts about the parenting side as well.  He is actually GREAT with kids, but he worries he wouldn't be patient enough.  He used to work in a program for at-risk teenagers, and I think he likes the idea of continuing to do volunteer work like that, to be able to influence kids' lives without everything that raising one "from scratch" involves.

Another factor is that my EDing over the past 12 years has done a number on me in a few ways, and my heart really is not as strong as it should be.  Or my liver. Or my kidneys. I told you 24 is old. So it's hard to tell how that would affect either me or a fetus during a pregnancy, but it could be very risky, since your body is absolutely dumping resources and energy into another human that is stacking-dolled inside you.

By the way, public service announcement to anyone out there with an ED that is amenorrhic: you CAN get pregnant even if you're not getting your period. Being that malnourished lowers the probability, sure, but it's still possible, and it does happen.  Anorexia is a lot of things, but it's not birth control.  Okay lecture is done now.

By the way, I seriously just contemplated what an awesome word amenorrhic would be to pull out during a Scrabble game.  Nerd alert.

So the answer to the original question is that yes, it's something that has been discussed.  And Match's response has been accommodating.  His exact words when I brought it up in the breakup talk were "I want you, whatever the fuck else will work itself out."  Granted, it was a statement given under duress.

  Really we're not *there* yet to be talking about it seriously. He did mention that he would be terrified that I would do it for him (I think he overestimates my potential for altruism on that front, but oh well) and then have complications, and he'd never forgive himself.

He mentioned adoption, and that was sort of tenser, because I don't have as good of an excuse there.  It doesn't put my body at risk, but I still just don't find myself wanting to be a mother.  I am a maternal dead end, my friends, I apologize.

Major disclaimer: I hope this doesn't come off that I am anti-child or anti-parenting at all.  I have boatloads of respect for anyone who raises a child.  I look at the things my mom has done, and still does, for me, and it absolutely blows my mind that someone could be that selfless.  A lot of people would/will make great parents, and we definitely need those people. More and more of my Facebook feed is becoming pictures of people's babies and toddlers growing up, and it really is amazing to observe how people are making such beautiful, healthy, smart little kids.

Anyway, I think the pregnancy/child-rearing issue is something pretty significant for a lot of people with EDs (thanks for giving me a good topic, Katie!).  Obviously there are the body image factors, and health risks.  Also, I've known people with EDs that were fantastic parents, but I think people with EDs are sort of predisposed to second-guess themselves often and doubt their abilities; I think it's pretty common for us to feel like we're not measuring up, even if we can do/are doing a way better job than the vast majority of people out there.

Okay, it seems like when I blog at night I get the rambles quite badly, sorry.  Love y'all, hope you're having a good week.

Wrong Answer

Apparently when your psychologist 1) insists on doing breathing exercises that make you feel like an idiot, 2) instructs you to focus on the feeling of the air going in and out of your nostrils, and 3) asks you what you're thinking, she neither expects nor wants the response "I was thinking about the difference in the structures of primate versus carnivore nasal turbinates."

Therapy fail.

Cammy A-Z

Haven't posted for a while, but I'm supposed to be writing my thesis this afternoon, and after aout an hour needed decided to give myself a short blog break.  Why am I only motivated to do some things when I'm supposed to be doing others?  I saw this meme going around the blogosphere and invited myself to participate:

• A- Age: 24.  Officially in my mid-20s, yikes.

• B- Bed size: Queen, although it might as well be a full when I'm alone in it because I sleep on the very edge for some reason.

• C- Chore you hate: Folding/putting away laundry.  I have two laundry baskets; one for dirty clothes and one for clean ones that I wear often enough that it's really just not an efficient use of time to put them in drawers, right?

• D - Dad's name: Not tellin.  But I call my step-then-adoptive dad "dad" and my biological dad by his first name, because there's a lot more to being a dad then having athletic sperm.

• E - Essential start to your day: I check all my accounts (email, facebook, Twitter, blog, etc) on my phone before I get out of bed. I also always wake up hella dehydrated and down a 16 oz glass of Crystal Light before I do anything else.

• F - Favorite actress and actor: I have total girlcrushes on Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron.  And as attraction goes George Clooney has me totally won over. I think Jon Hamm and Leonardo DiCaprio are incredibly talented actors, but I don't find either of them that attractive.

• H - Height: 5' 7"

• I - Instruments you play(ed): Piano, and clarinet for one year in middle school.

• J - Job title: Graduate student (read: I will have no job title until I am at least 35 and I am okay with that or at least I pretend to be when I see everyone I grew up with settling down with careers, marriages, kids, paychecks, and other little things like that).

• K - Kid(s): No.No. NO. And, by the way, no. I have a ton of respect for people that are parents, but I am terrified of passing along my dysfunctional genes, and feel like I am way too anxious/impatient/generally unfit to ever be in charge of raising another human being.

• L - Living arrangements: Renting a duplex with my canine sidekick.  He doesn't pitch in for rent, but he never drinks the last of my Crystal Light or uses all the hot water, so it balances out. My boyfriend lives 12(!) hours away, and I see him one long weekend (4-5 days) a month, which sort of extremely sucks but I think we handle it pretty well.

• M - Mom's name: Not telling.  But I will tell you she has an embarrassing holiday-themed first name and so has always gone by her middle name.

• N - Nicknames: Well, despite the fact that y'all know me by a pseudonym, I am really, really not a fan of nicknames.  M. has one for me that I think is adorable, and my mom and dad are allowed to use one from when I was a kid, but beyond that it is birth name only ifyouplease. Maybe because in real life my name is one that is easy to truncate, compress, or otherwise mess up, and so I've always been protective of it in full form.

• O - Overnight hospital stays other than birth: None!

• P - Pet Peeves: This would require an entire post.  Or 50 entire posts.  But the ones that top the list are dishonesty, inconsistency, hypocrites, and people who say "expresso" instead of "espresso."

• Q - Quotes You Like: Way too many to list. I think one of the most practical is actually from my grandfather: "If you want it done, then do it and don't whine about it." Simple, to the point, and applicable to everything.

• R - Right- or left-handed: Righty.

• S - Siblings: Two younger brothers. They are actually half brothers but I don't think of them that way. Also, a half sister that I have never met, but I don't really think about her much. No offense to her, but in practice she's a random kid that probably shares the same unfortunate near-sightedness genes with me. I do feel a vaguely defined sense of guilt/pity that she had to be raised by her biological dad and I didn't.

• T - Time you wake up: Between 5:45 and 6:15 every morning, sans alarm clock.

• V - Vegetable you dislike: Radishes make me want to scrub my tongue with a washcloth.

• W - Ways you run late: Getting caught up in reading the news over breakfast in the morning and losing track of time.

• Y -Yummy food you make: I make a killer southwestern rice/chickpea dish.  And my peanut butter/pumpkin waffle sandwiches will change your life, I kid you not.

• X - X-Rays you've had: Routine dental scans, a few bone density scans, and a broken finger, fractured wrist, and strained back.  I don't glow in the dark yet, but there's still time.

• Z - Zodiac sign:  Scorpio, although my birthday lies on the "border day" and occasionally I'm listed as  Libra.

There you go.  What about you, have responses to any of the above categories you feel like sharing?

love y'all, hope you've had a good weekend!

Challenges D'Jour

Back at the parent's house; drove up today for my Baby Brother #1's high school graduation.  A few challenges:

Challenge 1: Having substantial liquid calories on the road trip up.

Challenge 1A: Doing it on a day when I only got half my normal exercise in.

Challenge 1B: McDonald's smoothies are AWFUL.

Drank it anyway (in addition to real food of course).

Challenge 2: Mom sitting at table with family not eating at dinner b/c she swore she wasn't hungry.  When really I know it's probably because she was worried about squeezing into her dress. :(

Ate my own dinner anyway.  Even though I was worried about stomach pooch in my dress.

Off for commencement celebrations.

Recovery Wisdom from Ishmael

As y'all have probably figured out by now, I'm a big book person, and I like to save quotes from books that seem pertinent to recovery.  See previous posts here XXXX

I FINALLY got around to reading Ishmael by Daniel Quinn a week or two ago.  I knew next to nothing about it, just that it was a short, very famous philosphy-ish novel that had come highly recommended to me by several people.

And I recommend it!  If you didn't think you could learn anything significant about the history of our culture and the way our society works from a captive gorilla, think again. (Y'all intrigued yet?)

I also found it to be brimming with really insightful quote.  So here we go:

Ones that reminded me of the confusion of being caught eating disorder:

"I have an impression of being a captive, but I can't explain why I have this impression...if you can't discover what's keeping you in, the will to get out soon becomes confused and ineffectual...how can you pretend not to be terrified?"

On getting stuck in a disordered rut and seeming to forget how to be undisordered:

Even if you privately thought the whole thing was madness, you had to play your part, you had to take your place in the story...to step out of this story is to fall off the edge of the world.

On how we can become so accustomed to disordered thoughts and behaviors that we fail to even register them anymore and just see them as our version of normal life:

...hearing it incessantly, you don't listen to it. There's no need to listen to it. It's always there humming away in the background...in fact, you'll find--at least initially--that it's hard to attend to it. It's like the humming of a distant motor that never stops; it becomes a sound that's no longer heard at all.

On how otherwise intelligent and successful people can get so sucked into a disordered vortex:

You know how to split atoms, how to send explorers to the moon, how to splice genes, but you don't know how people ought to live.


Knowing how to live would have to include knowing how to live as flawed being.


On taking therapy and recovery seriously:


What were you expecting to learn from me? An incantation? A magic word that would sweep all the nastiness away? You wanted...something to make you feel better as you watch the end approach.


First I say, 'no, no, it's impossible, completely and utterly impossible,' then I go ahead and do it.


On the challenges of the recovery process:


I think there are a lot of people out there who know the jig is up and are ready to hear something new--who want to hear something new. 


You can't just stop being in a story. You have to find another story to be in.


You can't just root out a harmful complex of ideas and leave a void behind; you have to give people something that is as meaningful as what they've lost--something that makes better sense than the old horror.


There wasn't a single thing that was certain. All they could do was proceed by trial and error.


What's ahead isn't doom, it's just a little hump that we can clear if we just pedal a little harder...if the will is there, the method will be found.


It's the journey itself that's going to change you.

Money Whoas and Money Woes

Money Whoa: Apparently my insurance is covering 75% of the cost for my sessions with this new counselor, which means I'm only paying $30 a week, a total steal compared to normal costs.

I was really surprised it was that easy.  Of course when I lose my school insurance and have to buy my own, having this on my medical history will inflate my premiums enormously. Such is life.

Money Woe: I was supposed to be paid today, but the paycheck did not come by the usual time.  I contacted Account Services at my university, and was informed there was some problem with the approval to release the funds to me (even though I get the same stipend every month, 12 months a year!), and I may or may not see any money this month.

*insert wailing and gnashing of teeth*

That's pretty much the only important things that have happened today.  I've been working on my data for 7ish hours a day every day for the past week and really haven't made any progress at all.  I am statistically retarded, apparently.

Ever have a certain type of problem (statistics, putting together a bookshelf, finding the gas cap release on a rental car [yes that's a story from experience]) that has just made you want to bang your head against the wall? Please share!

First Impressions

Hey everyone, thanks for all the support you sent about me starting the new therapist, that meant a ton to me.

So....I don't know.  It's hard to tell anything from the first session; it's most a taking down of history, cast of characters in my life, etc.

Pluses: She doesn't do weigh-ins, she's friendly, she has legit ED experience. She asked if I had a picture of my dog. Which I do: in my wallet, as the wallpaper on my phone, and in a catalog of 200 photos stored on my iPod.  M. often points out the disparity between that mobile G. museum and the one careworn picture of him that I have in my wallet...tucked behind the one of the dog of course. ;p

Minuses: She's a bit hippie-ish.  I'm not sure if this is actually a minus, maybe I'm being too critical.  I am very liberally minded, but the spaceyness is something I am not all that into. She also made a negative comment about the fact that I was brought up Catholic...thumbs down even though I am not religious at all anymore, I don't harbor resentment towards that church or any other, and don't like it when people seem to assume that I do.  This is an odd follow up to that point, but I'm afraid she's too nice.  I really need someone ready and willing to kick my ass if the need should arise.

She is younger than H, I'd put her in early 30's, maybe a bit younger than the last therapist I saw too.

I'm going to go back for at least 2 more sessions, really am giving this an honest try.

 She told me that she's perfectly happy to talk about food/exercise/weight if I want to, but that she won't ask me directly every week about what I'm eating, how many hours I'm working out, etc, she wants to focus more on what's going on in my head behind all of that.

In one way I appreciate that; I really don't want to go in to a food lecture every week. I know what I *should* be doing, the issue is that I can't make myself pull it off, for whatever dysfunctional reason.

On the other hand, I can see it being easy to float through with her.  Go in and talk for 45 minutes every week, vent and cry and do the feelings and introspection routine, and yet not make any significant behavioral changes.  I think that's the scenario I fear the most.  Granted, right now I REALLY do need someone to just talk to.  But I also need someone that's not afraid to crack the whip on me when I need it.

Of course, she might be tougher than I think.  As M. pointed out: "You can't expect a confrontation on the first day, she wants you to hire her!"

She asked what it was that made things work when I was seeing H. I really had a hard time pinning it down.  I did mention that she didn't put up with my avoidant bullshit when it came to making changes.  Also, H. made me feel respected, even when I was definitely not functioning well.  And I just felt like she really had her shit together.  I have a high degree of respect for people who know their stuff and still constantly work on learning more and more, I always felt like I was being investigated like a puzzle rather than studied like a petri dish.  She told me a lot of things I didn't want to hear, of course, but she was always right.

Anyway, just some rambling impressions.  I left feeling pretty ambivalent.  Not really relieved or hopeful, it just was what it was I guess.  I do think she's at least a better personality fit than the one I saw here last year. I have another appointment on Monday.

In the mean time, I've been really high anxiety this week over work stuff, I am so.so.so ready to be done with this lab, this school, everything.  The end is in sight now, though, less than a year left to slog through and this place is going to be dust behind my wagon fo sho.

I hope everyone is having a great week, thanks again for everyone who offered support before the appointment and checked in afterwards. Love y'all.

New Character #2 (Maybe)

Tomorrow is my first appointment with new therapist.  I'll see how it goes before I assign her a pseudonymous letter designation.  I'm kind of nervous, for reasons that aren't easy to pin down.  I know that the first session is usually just a lot of history giving without much feedback.  It takes a LONG time for me to warm up to therapists, too. With H., who was/is amazing, it took a good 6 months for her to really crack my shell.  I was at a much more preliminary stage in recovery at that point, though.

Another big thing that is always running through my mind before starting to see someone new (this will be my 6th therapist intake session, although only 2 of those were both voluntary and lasted for a substantial length of time) is whether I'm ready for this.  Yes, I can go in there and be talked at and give all the right responses and smile and nod and bullshit the whole thing, but am I going to be "into" the work enough for it to be worth the time and money of therapy again?  I want to say yes, but I doubt myself regularly.

But: I've sucked it up and made changes in the past.  I've gained a lot of weight in the past, and liked my body better as a result. I've loosened routines and rules in the past, and have found it freeing. I've reduced exercise in the past, and not ballooned over night, and it gave me time to put into way more important and fulfilling things. I *want* to be ready enough that I'm giving this thing a go, at least.

I think the therapy would be a benefit for me right now even apart from ED issues, although I'm 100% sure they intertwine with the other stuff going on.  I haven't been able to shake this depression, and I'm just so fundamentally disappointed and dissatisfied with what I've built for myself and my options for the next stage of my life, both professionally and personally.

Anyway, big deep breath and I'll see how it goes tomorrow afternoon. :/

New Character: Trainer

 One thing I haven't mentioned before is that I've actually signed up to work with a personal trainer at the gym, although only twice a month, so now this blog gets a new addition to the cast of characters. We'll call her K.  I know, I know HUGE RED FLAG for an overexerciser, right?  I get that, and agree whole-heartedly. But hear me out.

I got a free training consultation with my membership, and did it just out of curiousity. I didn't explicitly tell them about the ED, but just that I do a lot of fieldwork  and it's a ton of hiking in the middle of nowhere and I've lost weight over the past year and want to put XX pounds back on and also to get stronger.  My overall endurance is way too high for my own good, but honestly when it comes to things like upper arm strength I am embarrassed by myself. 

M. was really worried about me even going in for the complementary session that came with my gym membership; it caused a big spat that morning.  I really wish he'd been a fly on the wall when, after 5 minutes of talking to me, the training coordinator said "Well I can tell you two things right away: You need to eat more often and do way less cardio."  I actually lied to him and told him I do a lot less than I actually do every day (cringe, sorry) but that only underscored the point in my mind, obviously.  After the session, which I had 100% intended to be a one-time thing, I actually thought it might be a healthy thing for me to do, and I used my crack negotiating skills to get a much reduced price.  If my master's degree turns out to be good for nothing else, at least working in a developing country has helped me to hone my market haggling skills.

So what is the point of this trainer thing? I basically have no.fucking.clue. what a healthy exercise schedule is like. I can read guidelines in books, magazines, online, etc, but can't take the next step and apply it to myself. With this trainer setup, someone else, someone healthy and wanting to put weight on me, is designing my workouts, and having a legit opinion behind it makes it easy for me to swallow.  They always ask me if I've eaten within a couple of hours before a workout, and emphasize that I need to go get protein right afterwards.  When I try to be stoic and don't take offers for a water break, they make me do it anyway.

Of course I haven't overhauled my whole routine.  The trainer only does the strength stuff with me and leaves the cardio for me to do on my own.  But 3x a week I go in and do the routines she sets up for me, and on those days I do decrease the cardio that I do so at least the time stays consistent and I'm not doing the new workout on top of everything else I was doing before.  I've only had 3 sessions, and the trainer is still fine-tuning the prescribed workout for me.  We've just been doing about 1/3 of the eventual whole thing at each session so I can take my time on learning the right form for each move. But my goal is that when I have the whole thing laid out, I'll work on decreasing my cardio more. The nice thing about weight-training, from an exercise reduction standpoint, is that it's pretty much impossible for me to do it every day, because my muscles take a while to repair, which helps to keep me from obsessifying it.

The only glitch in the whole thing was that the training coordinator I first talked to was a guy, huge and burly but also super-knowledgeable, maybe late-20s (hot as hell if you must know, but that's neither here nor there), but then the specific trainer they assigned me to is a girl that's younger than I am.  Doh. That bothered me a bit at first, but she's pretty professional and legit seeming, so it's fine, and she's not all hardcore and scary like some of the older female trainers there.

Final note, is that EDers apparently make trainers really happy.  She was thrilled when I actually brought her in a food diary (I am NOT required to do that all the time, just for one week for us to look at how my eating patterns might need adjusted, with full acknowledgment that she's not a dietitian. And that I already write it down anyway. And that I didn't include calorie tallys or even serving sizes on it, because I didn't feel like giving her that much detail. Anyway the conclusion was that my main things to work on are to eat a bigger breakfast and to spread my protein through the day better. I'll end this monstrously long parenthetical aside...now). "Wow you're awesome, no one ever writes down their food when I ask them to!"  I had a good internal laugh on that one. If she only knew... lol. She was similarly surprised that I came in and did the workout in between sessions with her.  Isn't that the point of paying her to teach me what to do???  I know that's the idea, but apparently follow-through is a big issue with a lot of clients.  I could draw parallels to my therapy history, but I think that is probably obvious enough that I don't have to hit you over the head with it.

Ok, I hope everyone had a GREAT weekend, love y'all.