H. has been trying to get me to make a description of what my life will be like when I am recovered, and near the top of the list will be ordering/cooking what I want, not what I think I should have.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Rough Morning
I am so incredibly frustrated with myself this morning. Normal people do NOT have full-on anxiety attacks trying to plan what to have for breakfast/lunch on a Saturday. After over an hour of frustration, swearing, whirring thoughts, going through everything in my cabinets/fridge/freezer, thinking of what I could buy that I don't have, rationalizations and counter-rationalizations (and probably no shortage of irrationalizations), sitting on kitchen floor with despairing head in hands, searing headache, etc, I feel like such an idiot. This post is going to seem trivial and stupid, sorry, but this is my reality, as pathetic as it probably seems from the outside.
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8 comments:
I sincerely believe that the word should is one that needs to be abolished from our vocabularies. Seriously, it's just a matter of identifying how wrong what we are doing/choosing is.
That's not to say that there's a good excuse to get rid of the need for healthy (or healthier patterns); it's just an assessment. Living our true lives however sometimes means making choices that are outside of the norm and that may not necessarily be in our best interest each and every time. In other words, my sense is that sometimes we all need to just realize that it's okay not to make the perfect decision every time.
Man I hate mornings/days like that. Hope it gets better and hang in there chica!
aw Cammy. How about having some already prepared meals for times like these? Maybe something you know you love and is nutritious, great for any time of day such an attack might hit. Maybe an omelet sandwich and an apple (packaged together in a little emergency paper bag)? Then don't even allow yourself to think about it. Just force yourself to down it, and get on with the day. What do you think?
Not trivial or stupid at all. I think that too many of us can relate to this experience... It's very real, and awful :(
Nope, not trivial. We have all melted down in front of our pantries and ourselves. And we still pick ourselves up.
Yes, very real. And very freaking annoying. I get it, I hear you, and I second CookieGirl--once I got over the sodium issues, having prepackaged meals for these scenarios or reverting to liquid cals (Starbucks and a hefty bar for a meal) on these types of days was so helpful. I hope you can find things that work for you on these unfortunately too common types of anorexia moments, or a buddy you can confide in that can just come support you in real time. Pushing past these moments is what shows you are really stronger than this demon ED...and I'm glad it's helped you to realize how much ED is in your life. Those kind of moments when you realize you aren't living the way you want to live are always helpful for me to use as fuel for pushing harder and trying harder to get the life that SARAH wants.
Doesn't sound trivial and stupid to me, it sounds painful though. I'm sorry you were having such a rough morning.
I agree with other commenters, there are certain restaurants/stores around my home where I know I can go and get exactly what I need and I sometimes plan my day so that I swing by those places and pick up something.
Ugh. What a horrible morning. It really does get better. I still struggle with I what I 'should' and 'shouldn't' have based on the food group.
Keep trying, Cammy. I'm rooting for you.
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