So, since I am supposed to be actually thinking about these issues instead of just whining about them, there are a few factors here that are probably making me "feel fat":
1) I am still exercising compulsively, so my cal requirements are indeed pretty high, meaning I have to eat more food than I am psychologically and physically comfortable with. If I cut some of that workout time, I might even be able to justify changes in my mealplan to my team. But I can't do that. More on the exercise stuff in an upcoming post.
2) I always have an inordinate craving for salt, and I know that the amount of sodium I consume every day probably contributes to me feeling bulky and gross. If I have a day where I am on the go/on campus for all meals and don't have time for any "real" food (meaning that I do mostly granola bars, etc and no cooked meals that I can add salt to) my weight will drop about 2-3 pounds overnight. I am not sure why I always feel the need to add so much salt, I need to do research on the possible causes of this, I do think it goes beyond mere taste.
3) My pace of life has slowed considerably over the holiday break. I still have lots of work to do, but I can do it from home instead of ping-ponging all over campus for 12-14 hours a day, and business for the organizations, clubs, etc is wrapping up for the semester. Hence, more free time, hence, less to distract me from how my body has changed over the past few months. H. insists that my crazy schedule is an unconscious defense mechanism for me to "avoid addressing feelings," maybe she is right. Usually she is, but it also usually takes me a while to realize that.
So, it's a bad body image time right now. Although I do know some logical factors contributing to the problem, since when has rationality played a part in any of this? I still just feel too big, too soft, too much.
4 comments:
Hey sweet Cammy. Two thoughts...I've read repeatedly that restricting/consuming less than required for any reason, can somehow re-energize the AN mindset and make body image plummet. I have no idea why, biologically, but this may be related to the days with flu and little eating. Perhaps you have read this too?
Also, I have the salt cravings, too. My mother and husband are constantly reprimanding me for pouring it on my food, and I, too, believe it must have some ED/chemical causes. I have switched to using mostly "Lo Salt" but still, I need a lot of it. It scares me. : (
I'm sorry you're going through this. And you've probably already mentioned your salt cravings to your dietitian or someone else on your team, but I would bring it up again next time you have an appointment. Maybe it's an iodine thing? I'm a social science major, remember, so I don't know how these things work.
So sorry things aren't going well on the body image front.
"H. insists that my crazy schedule is an unconscious defense mechanism for me to "avoid addressing feelings," maybe she is right."
I think this is totally true. I remember filling every single ounce of time with things to do even if it was simply to "fill time." 1) It's hard sitting with yourself. 2) It's hard sitting with all those feelings.
I think this is something more that needs to be addressed.
Do you sweat a lot when you exercise? It could be you need more sodium because you are sweating a lot of it out.
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