Exercise Reduction Update

First of all, TONS of thanks for the supportive comments, e-mails, and texts to keep me boosted and motivated about sticking with my exercise challenge. You people are amazing. Just to review, I am supposed to reduce by 50% for 3/5 days during my inter-therapy period this week, and yesterday was Day 1 of reduction. (I am probably going to use my 2 "unchallenge days" today and tomorrow, simply because I have more free time over the weekend).

I started out okish with cutting my first exercise session by about 2/3 (66%), but then I chickened out and by late afternoon I'd done 100% on everything else. Which is ironic, because I had a hella busy day and really had tons of excuses to skip workouts and better things to do with my time. :/ But that still left the evening workout, a significant chunk. as a question mark. If I'd done that, I would have come in at 80% overall exercise for the day. I planned to just do it and then maybe take some off on my "unchallenge" day over the weekend to make up for it.

But then I had the chance to practice spontaneity AND exercise reduction: Match usually works on Friday nights (bummer!), but he found out at the last minute that someone needed to switch shifts with him. So we made plans on EXTREMELY short notice (for me at least, I often prefer several days of planning ahead). We decided around 2 to meet at 5:30. We were going briefly to stop by Happy Hour with some of my friends, go to the mall to pick him out some nice clothes for an event he has coming up, then have dinner and hang out at my place (the first time he has stayed at my place all night, also spontaneous, longstorytellyalater). So that consumed the entire evening, thus no evening cardio for Cammy. So I ended up actually coming in at 66% of my daily exercise, coming pretty damn close to my mandated goal.

I did have a drink, was a little wound up from a hectic day (first day back to classes, several meetings, etc). But only one, with dinner, a glass of wine. Oh wait, I also split a Bud Light with Match at happy hour, almost forgot that. Anyway, I know I said I was going to ixnay the alcohol for at least a while, and I am going to make that effective now. I didn't have a bad experience or overdo it last night, but I just feel the need to put my foot down with myself.

As for compensation, I may have undercut my calories a little bit (hard to tell, not knowing stats for the restaurant meal I had for dinner), but nothing drastic and not calculated specifically to make up for what I didn't do. I cut bfast a little bit this morning due to anxiety over not knowing exactly how many cals I had last night.. I'm honestly just not a breakfast person at heart, and so this meal is always definitely my least-optimal one of the day.

Onward, at least in theory. I shaved a little bit off my morning walk today (it is ARCTIC outside, wtf?), so if I apply that retroactively it takes me closer to the full 50% cut for yesterday. I get to "take a break" this weekend and then nose back to the grindstone, challenge will be not cutting food in anticipation of less activity next week.

Thanks again for all the support as I fumble my way through this, means more than I can even say! <3

Exercise Challenges Start

So, I had my first post-holiday therapy appointment, and C. is definitely pulling off the gloves regarding the exercise stuff. She's not putting me cold-turkey, but I'm supposed to do 50% for 3 of the next 5 days until I see her again. With the caveat, of course, that calories are not slashed to compensate.

So this starts tomorrow. I also start back to class tomorrow. I have a pretty full schedule for the day, which might make it easier to stay distracted and more convenient to cut exercise time, but it also means I won't be all that focused on much in the classroom/lab. I have class in the morning, a coffee date w/Match afterwards, then I have a couple of errands to do. Back to campus for a seminar in the afternoon, and going out with some friends in the evening. So seems like plenty of diversions, but I know I'll probably end up just diverted mentally from the diversions, if that makes sense?

I am already feeling slightly panicky as I turn this over in my brain and try to strategize it out. I don't have the best record of compliance with these things...ok I have an ABYSMAL record of compliance with these things.

But, to quote C. verbatim: "You need to decide whether you're going to keep pussy-footing around or if you're going to really do this all the way through."

Media is Lame

As usual, Graph Jam hits the nail on the head:

Skele-Boosters in the News

Just FYI, for anyone else out there with a carbonated skeleton, the New York Times has an article up that reviews bone health issues and details the treatments that are currently available and in development. Go forth and read it here.

Anecdote One: I had a friend in undergrad that was also in recovery from AN, and also had probs with her bones. She also had a genetic predisposition to osteo, so she and her mom had actually been on meds for it together when she was a teen ( unique bonding opportunity, courtesy of ED). She had to go off of it, though, because it actually reduced the density in her jawbone to the point that it was causing big problems. I *think* it was Boniva, not 100% sure though. I am not bashing the drug (don't sue me! I am a grad student and have nothing you want anyway!), that's one of the acknowledged side effects, just wanted to mention what I knew of someone's personal experience.

Anecdote Dos: I have asked physicians about meds for osteo at various times, and the response I have always gotten is that they're not designed for young people who still have many decades of life ahead. They have mentioned the same thing as the article above, that the drugs can in some ways make bones more brittle and likely to break over time. I am NOT A DOCTOR and am not trying to give medical advice or discourage anyone from seeking meds, just sharing my experience. The article above focuses on elderly people, and there are some other issues to think about if your osteo is early onset due to an ED. Definitely definitely discuss this stuff with your physician if you have concerns, obviously; there is new stuff out all the time, hopefully some of the developing treatments will be better for younger patients. The ultimate verdict from my physicians has been: the best thing for your bones is to restore your health so that you're menstruating. Female sex hormones play a huge, huge role in maintaining bone density, and there really is no substitute for the way our bodies are supposed to naturally work.

M. told me a really horrible story the other night. I guess his grandmother has severe osteoporosis. She took a fall and fractured her femur, the kind of break that is usually fixed by putting a rod in the bone. But apparently her skeleton is so depleted that there is not even enough to anchor the pins and other hardware, so she is basically just wheelchair-bound forever now.

Your bones are what your body is built around, eat for them, if nothing else. I guess this is my public service announcement of the day. Take care of your bones, my loves, you only get one set. One of my biggest motivators in recovery is realizing that wearing an artificially small size X for a few years while I'm young is not at all a fair trade for decades of limited mobility and other issues later on in life.

Back to Reality

So, the spring semester starts this week. Back to the real world of school, research, writing, therapy, etc. Which means it's also time for me to get my shit together and pick back up with recovery stuff. In some ways I had successes over the holiday break, but since I got back home from my family's house I've kind of dabbled in a smorgasbord of EDness, like a little sampler box of behaviors that is sitting on the table waiting for you to reach out and try a bite of each one. So, here I put forth my confessions in order to start the semester with a clean slate.

I set two resolutions this year: to start journaling again (in actual, old-fashioned, paper form), and to start running again. Presumably as a sub for exercise I do now, not an addition. I genuinely miss the rush and the feeling I got from it, and I wanted it for that, not to lose weight. I told myself it was a good step in recovery if I could choose an exercise because I enjoy it. But immediately I started to get a little obsessive with planning runs, pushing myself in the cold, while I was/am also recovering from compressed disks in my back (yes, exercise obsession turns me into an idiot quite often), and not decreasing other exercise to compensate for runs. Generally not getting off to a healthy start, it seems. And I confirmed that even after 2 years off of running completely, my knees are still shot to hell, OUCH. So I might need a substitute resolution here.

Match and I have been taking advantage of the break from classes to get together almost every day, which means a lot of meals out. I tend to handle this way, way better than I used to (I used to just not be able to do it at all). Now I don't have much problem eating out, but I DO tend to undercut my cals when I do it. I think a lot of people think eating out is stressful because of fear of high cal dishes. For me it's always just been because of the break in routine, the not knowing exactly how many cals, even if I know it's less than what I'd be eating at home. It's not hard to find "light" menu options that are less than what I'd be eating on my routine mealplan. So restaurant eating for several days in a week puts me in a significant calorie deficit. I came back from Christmas a teeny bit heavier than when I left, but weight has slid off pretty easily in the past week.

I am really enjoying Match, but I do think he is one factor in my restrictive trend this week. I am adjusting to have someone that closely aware of my body, and so I definitely alter my eating on days that we get together to try to keep (mostly my stomach) from looking "too big." At the same time, I am miserably aware of my lack of boobage, a flip side of the same coin. Note that Match is a great guy, not superficial at all, and he has not said or done ANYTHING to encourage these anxieties from me. I do a great job of that all on my own. I think the theme for my next therapy session is going to be dealing with body image with an increasingly intimate relationship.

I cancelled my trip to a conference on doctor's orders, because of my injuries from a hiking accident over the break. I feel pretty guilty that apparently I'm not well enough to sit on a plane for 6 hours, but I haven't curbed the exercise much. My back/chest are feeling a ton better now, but the wrist is still bothering me quite a bit. I get the feeling that my T is going to want to hit the exercise full-force when I have my first post-holiday appointment this week. I know that she wanted to get me fresh from traveling, when my routines and rituals were already scrambled and more easily malleable, but me not taking my trip kind of threw that for a loop.

I need to be cutting de caff. I always drink decaf coffee, but over the break, with all the traveling, holidays, etc, I have started to switch more and more to regular and am becoming too dependent on it again, after a good 3-4 years of fairly consistent abstention. It makes my heart a little freaky for an hour or so after a big dose (heart palps were why I detoxed from it in the first place). Plus, I know it's not good for my bones, which need all the help their poor meager osteoblasts can get.

Last week, I got drunk for the first time ever. It was actually kind of fun and unexpected, largely because I was with someone I trusted and having fun, not at a lewd party or anything. I was ladylike about it, btw, I did NOT get sloppy or throw up. I don't plan to try to do it again, though. Match and I were at an Asian place for dinner, I had nothing in my stomach prior to the meal and still not that much after, and made the mistake of doing sake bombs with him. Like I mentioned in a previous (and more detailed) post on this topic, "My family tree is so heavy with alcoholics that its metaphorical branches nearly drag the ground." I've gotten into the habit of having a mixed drink or two when Match and I go out, going to stop that too. It helps me loosen up, but I don't want to start feeling like I need it to loosen up, which I have been starting to notice at the edges of my mind. Not that I think I'm developing a problem, but I just feel like it's best to not tempt fate, knowing my genetic predisposition and personal history of forming habits at the drop of a hat. I'd probably form the habit OF dropping the hat along with the vice d'jour. And it's better for my wallet to stick to water anyway.

Ok. What happens during the holidays, stays during the holidays! I have a BIG year coming up with tons of travel, fieldwork, etc, and I need to be on top of my game, both mentally and physically. Plus, with the trickling in of meetings, obligations, etc now that the semester is revving up, I notice I have definitely become spoiled with having my days free to work out whenever I want, not worry about fueling for classes, etc. Break is over, time to get back to work on showing ED who's the boss. I hope.

Dogs and books and Travolta, oh my!

Sara from Sprinkle of Cinnamon graciously tagged me with the Happy 101 award:

The rules of the game are that I list 10 things that make me happy, do at least on

e of them today, and pass along to 10 blogfriends. I usually feel like I owe y'all a debt of positivity, since you put up with all my ranting and raving, so here is a great opportunity!

Things that make me happy, in no particular order:

1. Nature. The surest way to put me in a good mood is to get me out in the sunshine in a beautiful landscape. I am definitely an outdoors person, and all of the times where I have felt the most centered and at peace have been during hiking/camping trips in beautiful/remote places.

2. My dog. I have owned G. for 4.5 years now, and I truly have no idea what my life would be like without him. I got him as soon as I moved out of my parents' house, and I have never been a grown-up on my own without this unbelievable companion. He is like my furry shadow, never more than 3 feet away from me if he can help it. Staying strong so that I can take care of him has been a significant factor in holding me accountable during my recovery. In addition, he is ultra-tuned in to my moods, and has a big, comforting and calming effect on me when I'm stressed.

3. Science. Slightly related to #1, but all forms of science--even outside my own realm of research--absolutely fascinate, intrigue, and enthrall me.

4. My family. My ED has been rough on them, and they probably (definitely) could have handled it better, but holy Batman have I got a fantastic family. My mom is my best friend, just edging out G. because I've known her longer. ;p My dad (actually adoptive stepdad, my bio dad was a loser that we escaped when I was very young) absolutely worships the ground that my mom and I walk on, and goes out of his way to show it. My brothers are becoming more and more like men every day, and I'm so proud of them. Plus my extended family: I'm very close to my grandparents, who provided a safe haven for my mom and I when we had to run away from bio dad. My aunts and uncles are all impressive people that I enjoy. Of course we all have our issues, quirks, and whatnot, but I love us.

5. Rock climbing. I love the exertion, I love the challenge, I love the rush when I get to the top. I love the fact that it's a mental as well as physical sport. I love that you are your own competitor, and it's all about pushing yourself above and beyond without worrying what anyone else is doing. I intended to pick it back up this semester, but this damn wrist injury is holding me back.

6. Reading. I am a voracious reader; I go through 2-3 books a week during the semester and more on breaks. I also subscribe to a number of magazines (I think it's at 7 right now), and try to balance the environmental footprint of that by reading a couple of newspapers online.

7. Talking to/helping elderly people. Maybe because I am so close to my grandparents. I am such a softy for elderly people, and I wish that we had a culture that valued them more.

8. My boyfriend. Known around here as "M" or "Match." (Yes, there is a story behind the name, it's not just a hopeful nickname). He is incredibly sweet and being around him just makes me feel good. I have been way more spontaneous with him than I have been in probably 10 years or so, I feel like our relationship is really helping me to challenge some of my over-self protection tendencies that usually cause me to keep people at arms' length to some degree. It doesn't matter what secret or insecurity I reveal to him, he is always accepting and supportive. He came over to wash dishes for me the first day I had my arm splinted. He texts me good morning every day. He doesn't mind me bringing G. over to his house when we hang out. He gave me a sweet nickname (and, ironically since I use a pseudonym on this blog, I have never liked nicknames much before, but this one I love). He's starting grad school in the fall, and I'll be all over the place traveling this year (conferences almost every month and several trips to Research Country, I'm starting to feel like Clooney's character in Up in the Air), but I'm just going to see how things play out. It's a big change for me to just "let things be" like that.

9. Grease. I have seen this movie over 200 times, I kid you not. I can pretty much recite it from memory, but I never tire of seeing young John Travolta...YUM.

10. Last but definitely not least: Coffee! Coffeecoffeecoffee. I used to be an extreme caffeine addict (I've fallen back into that a little bit over the last month or so, with all my traveling, but am working on detoxing this week), but then cut out the caff my last year of high school. (Seriously, at that point I just needed an IV drip, I was consuming about 2 pots of coffee and a few diet Cokes every day, it was giving me ED-enhanced heart issues). I never shook the behavioral addiction, though, and my day is not complete without multiple cups of coffee. I'm a slight snob, though, and don't like to drink drip if there is any option; I am an Americano girl, I even invested in an espresso machine for home.

I ran out of items! There are more, of course. Peanut butter, cribbage games, piano, towels fresh out of the dryer, jigsaw puzzles, girly cocktail drinks.....As for doing things from my top 10 today: I am about to go for a walk with my beloved G. (maybe this includes nature, we'll be out in the sunshine), then go to lunch with Match. Double challenge: we didn't decide this until about an hour ago, previously unthinkably short notice, AND it is a new, independent restaurant with unknown nutrition data (!) I have already read about 75 pages of my book and plan to finish it this afternoon. I am going to talk to mi madre on the phone shortly. Science is a part of my everyday life, and I'm getting to work a new grant proposal tonight. Not a bad proportion of things on the list for one day!

Ok I suck at tagging people because I never know who has been tagged and am shy about doing it because then I have to face the fact that the person may not actually read my blog often and I have the unintentional snub effect. So I am going to wimp out and randomly tag everyone. What makes you happy? Share, please, and go do something kind for yourself today!

<3

The Great Panty Purge of 2010

One of the hardest things in recovery is the almost-inevitable outgrowing of clothes during weight gain.

Some items are more forgiving than others. Jogging pants can endure for a decent amount of time/pounds; big sweatshirts are like islands of calm in the storm. Jeans can be frustrating enough to turn your hair into snakes and your breath into fire. T-shirts are forgiving, knit sweaters not so much. Shoes will love you forever and ever.

So, I have dealt with that in a piecemeal fashion over the last 2 or so years of this stab at recovery. One task I have been putting off is doing an Official Undie Audit. Underwear are about in the middle of the pack in terms of forgiving-ness, but now I am at the point where I really just need to get some of them out of sight and out of mind. It rarely comes up in casual conversation, so you may not know this about me, but the fact is that I actually really like cute panties, etc, and have quite a collection of them. To the point that right now my drawer of drawers overfloweth, and something must be done. Plus, it should not be expected that I wear the same damn panty size that I did when I was 13, and an anorexic 13-year-old to boot. (Not that I still have underwear in my drawer from 10 years ago, but you get the point, I hope.)

But as of today, all of the obnoxiously itsy bitsy panties are going to the dumpster. I am trying to keep in mind that when my sorry excuse for an ass was actually small enough to fit into them, it was usually bruised and tormented from sitting on hard seats at school, workout friction, etc. Butt band-aids are def unsexy, no?

I had mixed feelings (read: panic and disgust) about actually having a derrière again when I started gaining weight, but it has kind of grown on me (pun intended, I won't lie). It's not a bad one, as butts go. I would have shared a pic of that too, but I didn't want to further reward any pervs that might have stumbled on this post using the "panty" keyword. (I jest, I jest! ;p).

Notes:

-I caught an html error that affected item #7 in my last post, so just in case you saw that and thought, "Wow, Cammy is a screw-up," it is fixed now. Just wanted to mention that, if you wanted to see the correct version. What? Perfectionist? Where? Who? Me? No...

-It occurred to me AFTER I hit "publish" on this that perhaps using "purge" in the title of a post on an ED blog was not so appropriate, but I heart alliteration so I'm keeping it, apologies in advance.