The Lonely Space

So, I've lagged in updating about my recent pilgrimage up to Match's place.  I drove instead of flying this time, since both of us are flat broke, and the trip really taxes me, especially since there was wintry weather on the way up.

We cooked at home a lot more this time (see the reference to us being Flat Broke Kids in last paragraph), which does make it easier for me to eat better, since I don't do the freakout-overcompensation cycle that I sometimes fall into if I don't know nutrition facts for my food.  No, it's not the best way to be and I promise I am working on that.  But for now, preparing my own food means I'm more likely to get better nutrition and to be more relaxed about it.

And I did challenge myself with eating more "real foods" around him.  For a lot of our relationship, my eating habits around him have consisted of rabbity restaurant meals and maybe a granola or protein bar on the sly at some point during the day.  Part of it is that I'm paranoid about bloat around him, part of it is that I feel almost obligated not to draw attention to my eating by doing something new and different.  I know he wouldn't judge me and would actually probably be thrilled, but it's just complicated.

Case in point: we splurged and went out to a Hibachi place for his birthday on Monday night. I got the seafood special (lobster, scallops, shrimp...told you we splurged!) and ate every damn bit of seafood they put on my plate, even after watching them cook it in tons of butter and oil in front of us. M noticed this, and he made a small but appreciated comment that it was awesome and he appreciated me playing along on a special night out with him. Sort of similar to our awesome Valentine's Day dinner last month.

So anyway, there were indeed ups.  There were also downs.  I felt guilty about hibachi and definitely under-ate the next day, to the point that I felt fuzzy and headachey on our last evening together. The thing is, he is so blissfully oblivious to nutrition facts and calories that he honestly doesn't realize that I can make myself 3 meals a day while still consuming less than half my normal calories.

He said at one point that he was really glad I was doing so much better with food, and I was happy he was happy, but inside I really felt very lonely and sort of lost...in fact I was eating about the same calories as I have on previous trips there, it's just that I was hiding it better from him by cooking with my fat-free this and light version that and eating everything at meals instead of having surreptitious snacks later that he didn't see.  Plus I am highly aware that he is very unaware of how many calories are in things.  It often takes me longer to finish meals than him because my food is bulkier (he doesn't eat anything that might have contained chlorophyll at any stage of its life cycle), so it probably indeed seems like I'm getting plenty if you don't crunch the numbers.

I really did try to articulate something to explain what was going on, but I think he misread my hesitance for annoyance that he'd brought the issue up, and he quickly diverted to a different subject.  Which brought both relief and a sort of pent-up disappointment for me.

And I hate ever feeling like there's something I can't tell him.  Besides being my boyfriend, he's also the best friend I've ever had, and it's awfully strange and lonely to feel like something that affects me so much is something I can't explain to him.

So this discrepancy bothered me, and I kind of ruminated on it for a few days.  I finally brought it up to him yesterday.  We talked about it, and he did express a bit of surprise and said he was glad I opened up, because he didn't want to be kept in the dark about something that was such an issue for me. He said he wouldn't have guessed that the 3 meals I was making were so little calories, wasn't aware I was compensating for hibachi the day after, etc etc. He didn't get mad or freaked out when I told him, he was mainly concerned that I am not always open with him for fear of creating stress/tension. How the hell have I not scared this guy away yet?

And I hope it doesn't seem as though I have some need for him to see me as sick or having a special issue.  I want him to know when I'm having a hard time because it's so lonely hiding it, but I don't want the ED issues to be my identity, either in this relationship or with the wider world.

So that was that.  I really, really hate when the ED affects how I interact with the people I care about, I think one of my biggest motivators to recover fully is just to be able to be a fucking normal person to be around.

Been back on meal plan as normal since I've been home, by the way.  Pretty burned out on travel at this point and really just need some recharge time.

love y'all