I don't get my mom. I love her, but I don't get her. Granted, it's probably mutual.
A couple of days ago, the morning after I got back from my trip, I was telling her about how the adventure had gone and mentioned the nights I was sick. I made the same comment I used in my post, the hyperbolic "I think I threw up everything I'd eaten for the last 6 months."
I guess she was only half-listening to me (she was Facebook-cruising on her laptop), because apparently she managed to tune out everything but that phrase. There was a pause, and she turned to me very solemnly and said, kinda shaky, "You have?"
I was quick to correct her perception and assure her, that no, I was just exaggerating about the prodigious volume of stuff my body managed to eject over the course of 48 hours. Purging is something I have never done, not once, in the 11+ years of my ED. I tried a couple of times early on, I won't lie, but just couldn't seem to do it and was too scared of side effects to really try.
So anyway, I'm not sure who was more surprised: my mom, at what she thought, albeit momentarily, was a confession to a new and prolonged ED behavior, or me, that 1) she would think I'd been doing that in her house unnoticed for 6 months and 2) that she actually seemed very concerned and willing to talk about it. You see, my mom's main way to deal with my ED has been to largely pretend it isn't there. Okay, not largely, almost completely. Even now that I'm living with them again, my eating/exercise habits are totally not discussed, it's just assumed I'll do my own thing. Which, to be honest, is how I prefer it, of course, right? Especially after living on my own for 5 years, and at this point I'm just 8 weeks from moving out again anyway.
I think her rationale has always been that she can't *make* me do anything, and sees it as kind of a futile power struggle to involve herself. I don't blame her for my ED at all or hold resentment in any way, but I think I have a lot of regrets that she wasn't more involved and forceful in the early stages of my ED, when it was less ingrained in my life and a bit of Tiger Mothering might have helped me to avoid still living with it over a decade later. Not that she could have "saved" me and refused to, of course. At the time I just wanted to be left the hell alone. I always just wonder how it would have been different.
Anyway, even now, usually if I bring up something about my ED she will brush it off or even blatantly blow it off. So this new shocking (yet false, although unintentional) confession that she thought she heard was sort of an interesting event. Not quite sure what else I wanted to say about it, it just seemed noteworthy.
5 comments:
Do you think she would have had a similar reaction if you directly stated something about your restricting, like " I ate nothing but 500 calories from blah blah blah all weekend"? Could it be that she is now ready to listen? or that when it comes to your true ED behaviors you shelter her from them? Just a thought...
There's a great book called Necessary Losses by the author of a children's book "Alexander and the horrible...day" or something like that. While heavy on Freud, it's a fascinating book about mourning losses, including the loss of our hope and expectations that our mothers and others will be who and how we wish they'd be. It helped me a lot with a very similar type of mother!
Hope this helps!
Hm. This made me think. But what I ended up fixing on was that 11 years seems like a really long time and I really hope you are jumping back into recovery of your physical and mental health now that you've returned from your field adventures! You deserve to not have to deal with this any longer, despite how uncomfortable it may be in the process of "fixing" it.
Hope you had a wonderful weekend!
I have similar experience: my father was watching some documentary about eating disordered ski-jumpers who purged and told me he is worried about my purging- I have never ever even tried it, the thought of vomiting is almost unrationally scary for me (even vomiting while being sick or vomitng of my patients is very very unconvenient idea). My father has just seen I am eating a lot and that my weight is relative stable and totally ignored my so f-- obvious overexercising :( I cried a lot then.
I can't imagine my mother having Facebook:) And no one can relly get their parents, do we? Loving them is enough. xxx Ola
Yeah, I wonder the same thing that Hiker RD wondered--like maybe, your mom knows certain things about EDs and purging is one of those things. Maybe your other conversation starters haven't sounded like an ED conversation to her (not because of your omission, but maybe an accidental downplaying or maybe because she isn't familiar with your conversation topic being related to EDs.) I know that my mom wouldn't "get it" if I said something about how it is difficult for me to eat when I'm not hungry (for example,) but if I started a conversation about losing weight she'd be like AHHHH FREAK OUT MUST DISCUSS THIS NOW.
I wonder if it pains your Mom every single second in her head and heart but maybe she just doesn't know how to express it? Maybe she doesn't know how best to respond?
Alas, you know your Mom best.
I am glad you have been able to recognize and cope with her seemingly "blowing you off" -- I have to wonder though..after having put you through treatment I am sure she is aware of problems and has looked into it.
Just a thought probe.
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