I am really, really stressed and overwhelmed right now. Just a ton on my plate, I haven't felt great, and I'm in that mode where I hate going to bed knowing that I have to get up and face another day in the morning. I just feel crushed by everything at the moment.
A few items on my mind:
-Finding a place to live when I move back to university town in May. Which is extremely hard when you have a large dog that excludes you from many complexes/rental companies. And when the town is shitty and most of the places you can afford are not safe.
-Planning summer trips, which include, in the course of 3 months, 2 international field expeditions, one cross-country trip to a conference, one trip to see my biological dad's family (they've only met me twice in my entire life), a trek home to visit my maternal grandparents, and trying to squeeze in visits with Match.
-Renewing my car registration and driver's license in a state that is a 10 hour drive away.
-Having major tooth pain issues, and zero dental coverage on my student insurance package.
-Apparently I owe the medical center in University Town $500, I have NO IDEA why but they reported me to a debt collector, so now it's on my credit score right before I'll be applying to rent places when I move back. The lawyer involved refuses to return my calls or answer written requests for an itemization of the charges.
-Taxes. They don't withhold it from my stipend through the school, so I have to set it aside every month and pay up a lump sum at the end of the year. I did that, but have stress over whether there will be any curveballs I hadn't budgeted for.
-A prospective PhD adviser that I was really excited about hasn't returned my last email for over a week.
-I am statistically incompetent, apparently, and am struggling to get my data together to make a coherent abstract for the talk I'm giving at a conference this summer.
-Another journal submission rejected by reviewers. FML. At this rate I need to make the new acronym FMC, Fuck My Career.
-I'm just sick of not having a peer group or friends here. I literally don't talk to ANYONE all day besides texts with Match when he's not in class/office and a few encounters with my family in the evenings. Less than 2 months now til I move back to University Town. I actually really hate that city and school, but at least I'll have someone to talk to during the day besides my geriatric gym buddy. Although I will indeed miss her.
-Major travel burnout. Dreading having to make the 11 hour drive (each way) to visit Match next month. Don't get me wrong, I'm dying to see him, but I am just so over being on the road right now. In May I'll be moving to University Town then gone half the month to another hemisphere. June I have to come back here for my brother's high school graduation, then fly 3000 miles for a meeting, and we're going a few days early because my adviser wants to take the lab sight-seeing/camping. Then directly after the 5 day conference I'll be spending almost a week with my estranged family I haven't seen since I was 2. Then just 2 weeks after that I'm back to the other hemisphere again for last field session. And again, have to squeeze Match Time in somewhere. I'm just really, really overwhelmed and unsure of how I'm going to handle that when it comes to food, exercise, and general sanity.
So all of this resulted in a 3 hour crying session yesterday evening. M. was also having a bad day and we were tense, and that kind of put me over the edge with feeling like an incompetent failure at EVERYTHING and wishing I could just turn the world off.
Although in the past I've mentioned that my mom can be disconnected sometimes when it comes to talking about hard stuff, she really is an awesome person. She didn't get home from school until almost 9:00, but noticed something as off with me (my slapstick brothers and dad are oblivious to cues) immediately and came up to my room for a pow-wow...okay, it was a meltdown. Much sobbing and snot slinging later, I did actually feel better. Was nice to just unload, and she is uber-smart and capable, she went over every issue with me and made me see how it can work out, without minimizing or dismissing my stress.
Interestingly, later when I'd calmed down and went to tell her good night, she also asked how my eating has been, said she worries about that when I'm stressed. I just nodded that it was ok. And she asked if I was sure, and I nodded. And that was that. Seeing how I display my fantastic powers of conversation and confession like that, I really can't blame her for not addressing it very often. In truth, my eating is ok, I'm doing the meal plan, which is designed for someone my age/height doing an hour of cardio a week....but that's a joke, and the exercise is still totally kicking my ass. I don't know how to explain that to her or what the hell I'd expect her to do about it anyway.
Ok, sorry to have made y'all a part of the unloading, thanks to anyone who read down this far. much love.
9 comments:
First, take a deep breath Yes, you indeed have lots going on. I am glad that you were able to talk to your mom about this, and she totally made you feel better. Score for mom there!
Re: housing. Do you have to live in that town? Could you be a little farther away and commute a short distance, or will you have to be on campus frequently? Maybe think about moving back to University town as "how can I do something differently to make it a better experience?"
Re: journals and stats. Don't get down on yourself there. Many people submit articles for review, and get rejected. I know it makes it feel like you are incompetent or a failure, but you are not at all. Just think about all those greats who were turned down many times. I think J.K. Rowling was one.
Re: biological dad's family? Why are you visiting? Is it some special occasion? I'd try to make the most of that one. Sometimes, people can surprise you ...or not.
Re: professor, maybe something came up? You can always write an e-mail just saying you hadn't heard a response and wanted to make sure she received everything, something like that.
Re: car registration. Can you do this online or by mail? Is your license actually expired as well or could you go longer until it officially does?
Re: travel. Yeah, you've done quite a lot this year. Taking time for yourself is important.
Again, I will say to breathe, take some time out for you, and realize that everything WILL work out in the end.
Good luck on the dental appt. today.
Btw, I owe you an e-mail :-)
Wow it does sound like you have a lot on your plate- but you know what? It's all doable! And I completely feel you on how listing it out makes it seem so overwhelming, but one step at a time everything will work out :) I'm in a similar place trying to come up with summer plans, trying to write my thesis (while really hating my major and having discovered my passions elsewhere), trying to come up with post-graduation plans, etc etc get life together.
Nice to have such a supportive mama :)
[biggest hugs] I'm glad you were able to talk to your mom and get a little release. You are muchly hearted and can text this way any time you need/like. xoxo
Oh my gosh! I got stressed out just reading this, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling! I'm glad you have a great mom that was able to talk it out with you, moms are the best. :)
-I'm just sick of not having a peer group or friends here. I literally don't talk to ANYONE all day besides texts with Match when he's not in class/office and a few encounters with my family in the evenings.
I bet if this one wasn't here, all the others wouldn't seem so bad. I HATE HATE HATE isolation, and I find that my coping skills go down the drain really quickly when I don't have friends around to talk to.
Re: journals and stats-my dad is a reviewer for journals, and my academic advisor was the editor of a journal. Both say there are SO many articles that are good that don't make it. It's not FML yet--it may just not be the right time for your article, or it may not be in the right format. Your career isn't over. Try your best to be gentle with yourself!
Re: professor--I second Tiptoe's advice! Double check. My last two bosses have been notorious for this and it drives me insane, but they do have a lot on their plate and I think sometimes the problems come from checking messages on a Blackberry and wanting to respond on a real keyboard then forgetting...just send a follow up.
That is a lot to deal with - kudos to you for talking to your mom about it rather than just stewing and getting more anxious. Talking might not actually change the circumstances which are stressing you out, but they can definitely help make them feel less overwhelming. I really hope things start getting easier for you soon <3
Yikes.. you do have a lot on your plate, don't you? No pun intended there. Haha.
I think it's wonderful that you were able to talk to your mom openly and honesty about it though. I don't know where I would be without my own mom... she's my rock when it seems like my world just won't slow down.
I don't have a whole lot of advice for you (sorry), but whenever I am having trouble I like to remind myself that things always work out the way they are intended to. As long as you get up each day and try your best... you've done as much as you can do. You will persevere.. I promise!
Huge hugs Cammy! I am having one of those days today too. So nothing inspiring to say to you nor good advice but I've got plenty of empathy (and one of those Bozo inflatable punching bags) for you:)
Wow, it really is a load of issues!
I know the feeling of not wanting to wake up and having the neverending front of tasks ahead. It is sometimes so tiring just thinking about it. Actually I think it may be more tiring to think about it than actually living it.
But these are opportunities, they mean you are so clever and capable that you can live a full life. Being in IP or home and sick is so much easier, but it is not life.
Why do you dislike your schooltown? I hope you will find some better pláče than last time, so that the experience will be more pleasant!
Ad rejection: my mom wouldn't say: it is not a rejection, it is experience. Who doesn't try and try won't publish.
And your biolgical dad's family will love you, maybe you will get some unexpected new close people!
Ok, I know I ambice trying to make everything you write about peaches and roses and I know how hard positive thinking is in "these days", just let it come, be kind to yourself as you are to others and it will be ok!
OH and I think for mě the most stressing thing would be the lack of contact with some friends in my age. Everything seems to be 34756x worse when not shared. Will it be better in your uni? Are there some places you can meer new people? (probably very stupod question, but..:)
xx Ola
Post a Comment