The whole time I was sitting there thinking "what the fuck do you think I've been dealing with for almost 11 years now? A fad diet?" My family has always shied away from addressing my ED, and I'm not sure they will ever really get it.
I don't know how to explain exactly what I felt. It probably sounds petty; I'm not jealous at all of the concern for my brother and I am so incredibly glad he's getting treatment. I don't want my family to push me into treatment or spend more time talking about my ED. I just don't want to feel like it's a completely unrecognized issue. I'm having a hard time articulating everything exactly. It was just a little invalidating for my mom to act as though hearing that an anxiety or other behavioral issue having organic origins was such a revelation, when that is the main thing underlying my issues too, but no one seems to recognize that.
At this point, after so long, I don't know if they even think of the ED as a disease anymore, it's just Cammy's weird personality.
8 comments:
First off, I am glad that your brother is receiving treatment, but at the same time, I can understand your feeling of invalidation. Some people will never truly understand. I think your mom does at times, and then she kind of denies it too. Sometimes, I wonder if it is due to your high-functioning abilities and perhaps your mom's inability to think that her daughter could be imperfect? I think you've talked about this before.
The fact of the matter is that when people do view something as a real organic cause, it is often easier for them to accept the illness. With AN and other EDs, that research though getting there, hasn't been fully accepted yet by the general public.
yeah, I'd be bugged, too. What do you think she would say if you just blurted out what you were thinking at that moment (minus the f word)? It might feel good just to get it out there and stand up for yourself.
XOLisa
I totally get it. Why do people see certain things as "valid" diseases, but eating disorders come across as some self-absorbed choice? I don't know if people will ever really get it. Some of my loved ones seem to get it. They say the right stuff, but I still get that sense sometimes that they think I can just snap out of it (whereas they would never think that about other family members with mental illness issues).
This would have made me feel really invalidated too. Like Tiptoe said, I think it probably has less to do with your mom's feelings about your behaviors/struggles and more to do with the general public's knowledge re: eating disorders.
We talk about this a lot in my behavioral health courses--public health professionals have helped lead the movement educating the public that depression has biological roots. It's been wildly successful. Informed people know it. We need to change our message now and publicize a) better screening for depression, especially among men b) the biological basis of other mental illnesses c) eliminating stigma of all mental illnesses. Your mom is an educated person but you have to really keep up with eating disorder news to know about all the biological research. Think of how many "uneducated" ED articles are published every day (see Carrie's blog for some particularly awful examples)--your mom may still care about your condition, but it's difficult to find factual information unless you have an interest in peer reviewed research.
Has your mom recently been to the therapist with your brother? Perhaps the therapist did some psychoeducation, whereas your mom hasn't been to anyone to talk about your disorder in a long time. Just some thoughts...
I am so sorry that you feel like this. You deserve to feel slighted a little, if not on purpose, by the unintentionality of it all. I would feel really crappy under these circumstances too. Just remind yourself that it has nothing to do with her love for you.
Cammy, I completely understand your feelings. Now that I'm in the "recovery phase" of my ed, it seems that my family has forgotten this is a real disorder... not Amanda acting out and being picky about food. For example last night I was showing some anxiety before a family dinner, and my sister said to me, "don't start that tonight! I can't handle it." As if I choose to be scared or nervy about certain things! As if it's not something I have to handle every day! Well, perhaps that upset me more than it should... but I just mean to say that I understand your frustrations. Unfortunately the mental aspects of an ed way out-lasts the physical.
I understand what your going though, and luckily, my dad agrees with me on the issue. I just hate when ignorant people assume I "chose" to have an eating disorder and hence its not really a problem. I still think its a disease. Would you "accuse" someone of having cancer? no. and I think they are just as deadly and I'm not trying minimize cancer (because my mother died of it) but I think its so ignorant to assume ED patients adapted it. Eating disorder are still the most deadly mental disorders. I have a few friends who died from it and I wish it wasn't viewed as some sort of "fad diet" like you mentioned.
Not to bash your mom or anything, but does SHE see a therapist. I think sometimes, parents need some therapy as well so they know how to handle these disorders better. I've been trying to get my dad to go for years but hes stubborn and think that if he goes to see someone, it makes him look vulnerable. anyhow, I think the whole family usually needs therapy.
I'm sure that had to be so frustrating to hear that your brother's issues are brain based, but for your family to not seem to know or acknowledge that so is the eating disorder. I would really encourage you to talk with your mom, and not keep all of your feelings bottled up.
Sending {{{HUGS}}}
Sorry to read that your brother struggles (btw. it is another evidence of connection between genes, depression, anxiety AND eating disorders, OCD...) and glad to read he receives therapy!
I think it would be great if your brother's doc could inform your mum about neurobiology of ED's as well.
You've mentioned "weird personality"- I don't like the idea, but I think of Eds as of personality disorders (or as comorbidity of them and other psychiatric disorders). And psychiatrists (doctors in general) hate personality disorders, because they are so polymorph and unpredictable (as opposite to "classical" psychiatric diseases with blameful molecules and receptors and with psychopharmaka that work more or less uniformly). So that it's vicious cycle- vague classification-no guidelines for treatment-misinterpreted general awareness-stigma...
((My family (80% are doctors:/) was always like- ED is your way of coping with stress. It used to make me feel so ashamed, because I felt like someone who is not sick, just weak and insufficient.))
I know this experience hurts, but I am 100% sure your mom is VERY PROUD OF YOU and your life!
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