Intuitivity is Hard

So I'm currently at a conference, which brings all the challenges and stresses of travel and trying to appear sane around other professionals and potential advisers/employers.

The first day was hard, mainly because it was LONG (several time zone changes) and I spent a big chunk of it on airplanes.  I ended up really dehydrated and was up for almost 23 hours straight.  And at the social event that kicked off the conference that night, there was almost no food and lots of alcohol, which meant my intent to do well with dinner was shot, since I didn't want to venture out into the city after dark by myself looking for food.

BUT I've been trying to do better.  I am sort of testing this intuitive eating thing, but really don't think my body/mind are ready for it.  Basically, my body wants food ALWAYS and more of it, and my mind is not okay with that.  It's weird, I don't really get hungry between my 3 standard meals at home, but I guess the time change plus being released from my normal environment has made my system think it can go haywire.

Anyway, I have faced down some challenges though.  Have had bigger and earlier breakfasts than usual, snacks between meals (since my non-breakfast meals tend to be smaller when I'm not at home) and have had two (TWO) non-salad restaurant lunches in a row now.  And yesterday's was from a street vendor with no nutrition info (estimating isn't hard, but still, it's a bit nerve-wracking).  So those are WINS.  But I just finished one of those lunches, plus a granola bar, and am still famished.  My body and I are mutually antagonistic sometimes I suppose.  "Intuitivity" is not my strong point, apparently.

Anyway have experiences/advice to share about getting stupid body signals balanced?

Anyway, that's that.  The weather here is beautiful and I've had time to walk around exploring, so that helps with the exercise anxiety.

Getting some good leads on profs and am presenting some of my own research on Tuesday.

My lab/rommate is very obese, and I really don't know how to handle it when she makes cracks about her weight.  She really doesn't even eat that much, she's just one of those people that got the slow metabo genes.  Anyway, I'm glad she can joke about it but I never really know the right feedback to give in that situation.  It's not like she doesn't know she's fat, but I'm not going to laugh at her for it even when she's the one that made the joke, you know?

Anyway, adios mis amores.

Bachman Treatment Home?

Am I the only one that did a double-take at the offhand mention in this article that Michelle Bachman's house served as a "treatment home" for girls with EDs, in addition to other foster kids?  One of those "who woulda thunk it" factoids I guess.  I am NOT a fan of her by a longshot, but I won't get all political on you here.

Also, while you're over at NYT, I highly recommend this article:

 Expert on Mental Illness Reveals Her Own Fight

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words?

So the Kid Question post touched on relationshippy-ED issues, and there is another one that has been relevant recently that I thought worth mentioning.

Photos.  Everyone loves to hate them; chances are that whether someone has an ED or not, they judge photos of themselves much more harshly than others do.  It can be a MAJOR source of insecurity, especially with our image-heavy social networking communications.

As you know, M. and I live about 12 hours away from each other, and only see each other once a month (sometimes not even that, our current gap will last exactly 40 days...no fun).  And although we have a good collection of photos of us together from our trips, and can look at tons of pictures of each other on Facebook, it's not the same as real-time.

Which means M. often asks me to snap a phone picture (not the kind that would cost me my job if I were in Congress, although I doubt he'd turn those down either. Forty days, man!), just a random one so he can see my real-time face, picture what I'm wearing that day, etc, so he can feel a bit more connected.  It's nothing creepy, we've been dating almost 2 years now, and he just wants to see my smile sometimes when he's down, or missing me especially hard.

Which, when you are totally repulsed by your own image, is a damn hard thing to do. Sort of a no-win situation: I either send him a picture that I think is awful and fear disappointing him, or send him none at all and fear disappointing him.  It's not like he doesn't know what I look like, of course, I'm just convinced I'm the most unphotogenic person in the world, so even on a day I'd be fine with him seeing me in real life, the pictures are awful.

Not to make him sound like a tyrant, he's anything but.  I have never got anything but fantastic feedback on any photo that I've sent him, and he never gets angry if I don't send one when he asks.  But I think sometimes in relationships people that are perfectionists get anxiety over doing everything as "right" as possible to the nth degree, and it sucks some of the fun out of the whole thing to be mired in overanalysis, much as I'm slipping into right now.

I guess my main point here is that the photo issue isn't exactly a point of contention, but it's a compromise.  He gives in to being happy with getting fewer than he would like, and I give in to sending any at all.

Which brings us to the ultimate point/message of this post: I know all relationships involve compromises, but it seems an ED demands making even more than is typical.  Plenty of things can require some patience and understanding from the partner, and some bravery and willing to step up to challenges for the ED sufferer: meal times, restaurant options, activity plans, sometimes intimacy.  Hard line to walk sometimes, but in the end I think sometimes working through those things, and the honesty and love that requires, can help a couple to bond even more closely.  Or it can cause a lot of strife, depends on the dynamics, of course.

What are some relationship compromises you've had to make, either ED-related or otherwise?

The Kid Question

 Katie left an insightful comment on the A-Z post about whether I'd discussed my complete absence of maternal desire with my boyfriend.  Very good question, especially since we're approaching the 2 year mark and apparently are rather fond of one another.

The short answer is yes.  The long answer is, as always, it's complicated.

I've told him that I don't have the desire for kids, and have given him much more reasoned and detailed reasons that I've gone into here.  And actually, remember back last August when I was having a quarterlife crisis and tried really, reeeeally hard to break up with him? One of the things on my mind, which I told him at the time, was that if he wants to stay in for the long haul he'd be missing a chance to have a family.

His view on the child thing: I think he likes the idea of having a child that is a mixture of you and the person you love, sort of like a cute novelty pet, but he's had a lot of doubts about the parenting side as well.  He is actually GREAT with kids, but he worries he wouldn't be patient enough.  He used to work in a program for at-risk teenagers, and I think he likes the idea of continuing to do volunteer work like that, to be able to influence kids' lives without everything that raising one "from scratch" involves.

Another factor is that my EDing over the past 12 years has done a number on me in a few ways, and my heart really is not as strong as it should be.  Or my liver. Or my kidneys. I told you 24 is old. So it's hard to tell how that would affect either me or a fetus during a pregnancy, but it could be very risky, since your body is absolutely dumping resources and energy into another human that is stacking-dolled inside you.

By the way, public service announcement to anyone out there with an ED that is amenorrhic: you CAN get pregnant even if you're not getting your period. Being that malnourished lowers the probability, sure, but it's still possible, and it does happen.  Anorexia is a lot of things, but it's not birth control.  Okay lecture is done now.

By the way, I seriously just contemplated what an awesome word amenorrhic would be to pull out during a Scrabble game.  Nerd alert.

So the answer to the original question is that yes, it's something that has been discussed.  And Match's response has been accommodating.  His exact words when I brought it up in the breakup talk were "I want you, whatever the fuck else will work itself out."  Granted, it was a statement given under duress.

  Really we're not *there* yet to be talking about it seriously. He did mention that he would be terrified that I would do it for him (I think he overestimates my potential for altruism on that front, but oh well) and then have complications, and he'd never forgive himself.

He mentioned adoption, and that was sort of tenser, because I don't have as good of an excuse there.  It doesn't put my body at risk, but I still just don't find myself wanting to be a mother.  I am a maternal dead end, my friends, I apologize.

Major disclaimer: I hope this doesn't come off that I am anti-child or anti-parenting at all.  I have boatloads of respect for anyone who raises a child.  I look at the things my mom has done, and still does, for me, and it absolutely blows my mind that someone could be that selfless.  A lot of people would/will make great parents, and we definitely need those people. More and more of my Facebook feed is becoming pictures of people's babies and toddlers growing up, and it really is amazing to observe how people are making such beautiful, healthy, smart little kids.

Anyway, I think the pregnancy/child-rearing issue is something pretty significant for a lot of people with EDs (thanks for giving me a good topic, Katie!).  Obviously there are the body image factors, and health risks.  Also, I've known people with EDs that were fantastic parents, but I think people with EDs are sort of predisposed to second-guess themselves often and doubt their abilities; I think it's pretty common for us to feel like we're not measuring up, even if we can do/are doing a way better job than the vast majority of people out there.

Okay, it seems like when I blog at night I get the rambles quite badly, sorry.  Love y'all, hope you're having a good week.

Wrong Answer

Apparently when your psychologist 1) insists on doing breathing exercises that make you feel like an idiot, 2) instructs you to focus on the feeling of the air going in and out of your nostrils, and 3) asks you what you're thinking, she neither expects nor wants the response "I was thinking about the difference in the structures of primate versus carnivore nasal turbinates."

Therapy fail.

Cammy A-Z

Haven't posted for a while, but I'm supposed to be writing my thesis this afternoon, and after aout an hour needed decided to give myself a short blog break.  Why am I only motivated to do some things when I'm supposed to be doing others?  I saw this meme going around the blogosphere and invited myself to participate:

• A- Age: 24.  Officially in my mid-20s, yikes.

• B- Bed size: Queen, although it might as well be a full when I'm alone in it because I sleep on the very edge for some reason.

• C- Chore you hate: Folding/putting away laundry.  I have two laundry baskets; one for dirty clothes and one for clean ones that I wear often enough that it's really just not an efficient use of time to put them in drawers, right?

• D - Dad's name: Not tellin.  But I call my step-then-adoptive dad "dad" and my biological dad by his first name, because there's a lot more to being a dad then having athletic sperm.

• E - Essential start to your day: I check all my accounts (email, facebook, Twitter, blog, etc) on my phone before I get out of bed. I also always wake up hella dehydrated and down a 16 oz glass of Crystal Light before I do anything else.

• F - Favorite actress and actor: I have total girlcrushes on Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron.  And as attraction goes George Clooney has me totally won over. I think Jon Hamm and Leonardo DiCaprio are incredibly talented actors, but I don't find either of them that attractive.

• H - Height: 5' 7"

• I - Instruments you play(ed): Piano, and clarinet for one year in middle school.

• J - Job title: Graduate student (read: I will have no job title until I am at least 35 and I am okay with that or at least I pretend to be when I see everyone I grew up with settling down with careers, marriages, kids, paychecks, and other little things like that).

• K - Kid(s): No.No. NO. And, by the way, no. I have a ton of respect for people that are parents, but I am terrified of passing along my dysfunctional genes, and feel like I am way too anxious/impatient/generally unfit to ever be in charge of raising another human being.

• L - Living arrangements: Renting a duplex with my canine sidekick.  He doesn't pitch in for rent, but he never drinks the last of my Crystal Light or uses all the hot water, so it balances out. My boyfriend lives 12(!) hours away, and I see him one long weekend (4-5 days) a month, which sort of extremely sucks but I think we handle it pretty well.

• M - Mom's name: Not telling.  But I will tell you she has an embarrassing holiday-themed first name and so has always gone by her middle name.

• N - Nicknames: Well, despite the fact that y'all know me by a pseudonym, I am really, really not a fan of nicknames.  M. has one for me that I think is adorable, and my mom and dad are allowed to use one from when I was a kid, but beyond that it is birth name only ifyouplease. Maybe because in real life my name is one that is easy to truncate, compress, or otherwise mess up, and so I've always been protective of it in full form.

• O - Overnight hospital stays other than birth: None!

• P - Pet Peeves: This would require an entire post.  Or 50 entire posts.  But the ones that top the list are dishonesty, inconsistency, hypocrites, and people who say "expresso" instead of "espresso."

• Q - Quotes You Like: Way too many to list. I think one of the most practical is actually from my grandfather: "If you want it done, then do it and don't whine about it." Simple, to the point, and applicable to everything.

• R - Right- or left-handed: Righty.

• S - Siblings: Two younger brothers. They are actually half brothers but I don't think of them that way. Also, a half sister that I have never met, but I don't really think about her much. No offense to her, but in practice she's a random kid that probably shares the same unfortunate near-sightedness genes with me. I do feel a vaguely defined sense of guilt/pity that she had to be raised by her biological dad and I didn't.

• T - Time you wake up: Between 5:45 and 6:15 every morning, sans alarm clock.

• V - Vegetable you dislike: Radishes make me want to scrub my tongue with a washcloth.

• W - Ways you run late: Getting caught up in reading the news over breakfast in the morning and losing track of time.

• Y -Yummy food you make: I make a killer southwestern rice/chickpea dish.  And my peanut butter/pumpkin waffle sandwiches will change your life, I kid you not.

• X - X-Rays you've had: Routine dental scans, a few bone density scans, and a broken finger, fractured wrist, and strained back.  I don't glow in the dark yet, but there's still time.

• Z - Zodiac sign:  Scorpio, although my birthday lies on the "border day" and occasionally I'm listed as  Libra.

There you go.  What about you, have responses to any of the above categories you feel like sharing?

love y'all, hope you've had a good weekend!

Challenges D'Jour

Back at the parent's house; drove up today for my Baby Brother #1's high school graduation.  A few challenges:

Challenge 1: Having substantial liquid calories on the road trip up.

Challenge 1A: Doing it on a day when I only got half my normal exercise in.

Challenge 1B: McDonald's smoothies are AWFUL.

Drank it anyway (in addition to real food of course).

Challenge 2: Mom sitting at table with family not eating at dinner b/c she swore she wasn't hungry.  When really I know it's probably because she was worried about squeezing into her dress. :(

Ate my own dinner anyway.  Even though I was worried about stomach pooch in my dress.

Off for commencement celebrations.