Light at the End of the Tunnel

Well hey there.  I was at a conference for a few days and then took off to visit family and go vacationing with Match, so almost 2 weeks later I'm home and back in business.

I have to say, it was an AWESOME trip.  I really struggled with the eating stuff at first, being out of my normal environment and routines.  There were definitely some stressful moments and I wouldn't by any stretch of the imagination say I handled it the way a normal, non-EDer would have, but in retrospect I'm actually a bit impressed with myself.

It helped that we were able to stay very active.  The weather was fantastic, so we did a lot of hiking, M. and I tossed a ball around most evenings, and we went on a lot of riverside walks.  I think one of my favorite memories of this relationship so far is hiking to the top of a mountain and finding the most picturesque alpine lake, like our own private postcard (Facebook pics to come for those that know me).

With eating, I had a hard time regulating at first, but I did try to keep myself fueled and think I did it well.  I loaded up on safe foods when they were available and stepped up to challenges with harder foods when needed.  I actually ate a steak, wowza.  Note that I'm not against beef for nutritional reasons; I just hate how it's processed and produced in our country and hadn't eaten any in at least 4 years.  But I had the chance to try some at the very farm where the cow had been born, raised in a huge lush pasture, slaughtered and meticulously packaged on site by the farmer, with no antibiotics or hormones or other shit added.  So I ate some, with no idea how lean the cut was or how many cals I was consuming.  And you know what? It was damn good.

I had a full plate at the 4th of July bbq and an ice cream after a hike with Match.  I had an unplanned glass of wine one evening.  I got girly drinks at Starbucks instead of plain coffee. I used non-skim milk and (gasp) real sugar in my coffee at my family's house and didn't die from it.  The family I was visiting was greatly amused by the volume of fruit I can consume, and I easily ate 2 or 3 pounds of strawberries a day because they bought a fresh half-flat of them every morning. I got non-salad entrees on almost every restaurant visit. We had a fitness room at one of the hotels we stayed at, and I ignored it in favor of going on walks and spending time with my boy.

So, given all of that, by the last couple of days I was UBER anxious and convinced I'd gained weight on the trip.  I got in last night and was nearly in tears when I stepped on the scale this morning...

...and you know what? I weigh the same, down to the absolute ounce, that I was when I left almost two weeks ago.  Huh.

Oh and remember the conference presentation I was so nervous about? I think I may actually have nailed it (not to pat myself on the back too much, but that was the feedback I got and I felt good after delivering the talk) and was approached by several profs with promising opportunities for my next degree program, so I am feeling tons better about PhD opportunities.

The family I was visiting was actually my biological dad's family (I don't talk to him and last saw him when I was 9, 15 years ago). I hadn't seen them since I was 2 years old, and was very nervous about going up there, especially since they have always had a poor opinion of my mom.  They have been great to me via letters and email my whole life, though, and the trip went very well.  I discovered that my grandmother and I are strikingly alike in many ways, and had a ton of fun getting to know her better and spending time with some cousins that I had never met before. I was really glad to have Match with me, since at this point he's really more like family to me than they are, and it was nice to know that I had my best friend and absolute ally for support the whole time.

And the visit with Match was possibly the best ever.  I feel like I say that every time, but every time it feels true.  I don't want to get mushy on you, but I really, really am grateful for this boy, and it's harder and harder to leave him every time; we still both cry ourselves to sleep the night before we have to part.

I finally, finally feel like I'm coming out of the funk I seem to have been under for 6+ months.  Sometimes it really seems like the dark tunnel will never end, but I'm starting to think I may be reaching the light again.