I'm not updating as frequently these days, although not for any particular reason, I think I've just been in a bit of a doldrums and haven't quite known what to say.
Event hough Match and I definitely agreed the last visit was our best ever, for some reason we've been arguing at an unprecedented rate since then. Like, arguments that literally have us bickering for half the day. Part of the reason they're so prolonged is he almost refuses to talk on the phone when we're angry and we always have to resolve things via text. He says it helps that it gives us time to think out our answers, but really I think that discussions suffer a lot when you lack tone of voice and related measures of mood and intention and that he just needs to be a bit braver, but oh well. Like I said, it's not like I'm the faultless saint either. We always do work it out, but lately I've been left pretty shaken over the fact of the argument itself long after whatever the issue that started it has been resolved. It's just a bad time of semester: he's got a lot of stress on him with classes and some other issues, I've got a lot of stress with moving and thesis, we're both flat broke, etc etc.
Also, someone please needs to dial up my S.A.D. and inform it that spring is here.* I am used to stress and angst over ED stuff, but my depression lately has been scaring me. I've literally been spontaneously crying about 4 times a day, and I'm just so sick of feeling so resentful every morning that I have to get up and do another day. I know my life really, objectively, is not bad and is even great, and I just can't figure out what my problem is.
One factor I can identify, though is the ironic consequence that living with my family has made me pretty isolated. They're all gone during the day, and I don't have a network of any kind in this city. I've been traveling so much that I haven't had the chance to join anything or get very involved, and without school or work (terms of my research assistantship at my university, where I have been continuously enrolled even during this year away, are that I can't be employed externally). I'm moving back to University Town on Saturday, though. I won't be in classes til the fall, but I'll be around campus and the lab, and I'm hoping that having an actual peer group again will be a big help.
At the same time, as much as it stresses me having to share a house (most of the stress comes from sharing a kitchen) with 4 other people, I'm sad to be leaving them too. Mainly my mom (sorry, dad and brothers). She is in law school and typically pulls 12 hour days on campus, so I haven't had a chance to do much with her, and I'm leaving literally the day after her finals are over.
So very mixed feelings, and honestly I'm just so drained and hopeless feeling all the time. I need to be in therapy, but I have crappy insurance and less than zero disposable income. I'm hoping that the summer will bring better days, with Match being more relaxed, me having some social options again, a few trips planned, etc.
Okay, that was the latest round of lamentations. I hope everyone had a fantastic Easter, Passover or just a great last week or so in general. Love y'all.
*Abby, I swear I had drafted this post before I saw your comment on Facebook earlier today....lol great minds think alike, or at least hate bad weather alike?
5 comments:
I am sorry you are feeling not so great, Cammy :(
But you are not alone- there is definitely something very wrong in the S.A.D. headquarters...
I hope the town-change, comming summer and some more social contacts will help you to fight the depression and make yor communication with Match smoother and easier.
And I think that even though you haven't had a chance to spent a lot of time with your family, they are all really glad that you've lived with them and enjoyed it!
The insurance sucks:( Isn't in your Uni-town at least some kind of self-help group or free Uni-counselor?
I would send you some instant sunshine or serotonine or easiness, but we lack it here as well. So let's hope it will all get better. xxx
Sounds like there is a lot going on with everyone. That can people everyone on edge. I hope your move back to University town and being back in the safe haven of your academic environment (albeit I know you weren't necessarily happy there), will bring comfort and ease. Hopefully, you'll have some time to join your peers in fun activities or do some yourself. Spring really is here, though all we've had is rain and storms this month, making it a pretty desolate feeling here.
Maybe, you can find someone who will do a sliding scale for you? Have you been in touch with H lately?
I think things with Match will work out--just hard with finals and such.
Re: family, that's tough. I know they will miss you.
i've been kind of blue, myself. where is the sun, and the INNER sunshine?
like other readers, i was wondering if you could get some counseling at your school. i know i did when i was in college.
also, would your old therapist give you a little time on the phone without charging you. my therapist has done that, and it's very grounding.
usually, i find, that things do get better just with time. faith and hope help.
take care.
I'm so with you on the SAD! My depression has been bad this spring too - I think the weather's been worse than usual. At least here. I'm so sorry you are feeling lonely and isolated! Hopefully the move will be the change you need!
I am sorry you've been having a rough time recently. I am sending your prayers and good wishes that life starts looking up. Also, from a long-time reader, I wanted to let you know that I have started a new blog promoting all things positive and anti-diet. If you need some inspiration, please check me out at: dietsbite.wordpress.com
You are awesome! Hang in there!
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