So I've been a little bit stumped, as far as this blog goes. I think I'm pretty much in a doldrums and just don't feel like I have a ton that is new or interesting to say.
I have been eating my mealplan, woo hoo, same amounts/types of things I've kept to (despite intermittent digressions while traveling, etc) for at least 2 years now.
I haven't really gained back much of the weight I've lost over the past 9 months, but I definitely haven't lost any more either.
Exercise is same as it has been since I've lived here.
I know I'm out of balance and do have some very fatigued days, but I sort of do the mental equivalent of shrugging it off, I guess.
Hence, the paucity of posts here, becuase there isn't much going on that y'all haven't heard me whine and moan about multiple times before.
Earlier this week, Carrie astutely pointed out that sometimes not being bothered by something is the most bothersome part of the whole equation, and that may be the best approximation of how I feel now. I'm relatively healthy compared to past periods, in terms of organ function and overall robustness. I can fit pretty much whatever food I want (fyi the new Ben and Jerry's Clusterfluff flavor is omigodgood, especially if you're into peanut butter) into my meal plan, so I don't really feel deprived there, although my body definitely does feel sort of out of whack not too infrequently (okay, frequently). I know I *could* make a lot of progress and hate the idea of being controlled by this forever. But when it comes to the boots-on-the-ground action to change things, I think I've just gotten complacent with the status quo. Not that I at all condone stagnancy, don't get me wrong, and I don't want to feel like I've sacrificed good for mediocre with regards to my life...it's complicated, I guess.
My lifestyle will change a bit after I move, which is dredging up some anxieties, but I'll save that for another post.
So anyway, enough the the musing and now for some news-ing. I OFFICIALLY got the duplex I applied for, lease is signed, I'm really happy about that! It is more private and in a better location than the condo I lived in my first year in that town, plus it's cheaper. It's just down the street from where M used to live...I actually saw his car on the Google Maps street-view when I was showing my mom the neighborhood, lol.
I have my taxes in, I've made progress on that medical bill dispute, I got my conference abstract in before the deadline (which they promptly extended by 2 weeks the day after I'd submitted mine, but oh well...).
So things are a lot more tranquil than they were a week or two ago. M. is crazy busy with an onslought of tests coming up next week, so I haven't been getting quite as much attention as usual (spoiled princess alert!). Of course I want him to do well and don't guilt him about that, you gotta do what you gotta do and I want him to be successful (although he feels guilty all on his own when we aren't talking as much). I think the only thing that bothers me is that he studies in groups way more than by himself, and the majority of the students in his cohort are female...but I trust him 100%, have met all those girls, and don't seriously feel threatened even if it does pick at my mind a bit. I am REALLY looking forward to moving so that I'll be more connected with my peer group. Countdown is at 27 days now.
I hope everyone is having a fantabulous weekend, love y'all.
4 comments:
I know what you mean in terms of the "not-much-happening" front. There's consistency with minor variation. I could keep challenging myself, trying to progress more and more, but staying in the stability is safe. I'm not sure there's anything wrong with that, as long as I'm healthy. I mean, right? Every time I feel super stagnant, I think about how far I've come. That's where the real movement is.
It sounds like you feel equally frustrated and ambivalent. Like you can kind of imagine what life would be like if the eating disorder was less present in it, but stress/low mood/the ED itself are all making you sort of unable to find the motivation to change anything. Unable to be willing was a friend's way of describing what anorexia does to people - I think it's rather apt. I'm sorry you're feeling like this anyway - I often feel like I have nothing to say for myself when I am feeling a bit low and flat, and it's times like that when I could really do with talking to someone, if I could only think of what to say. I hope things pick up a bit after you move :)
Completely unrelated, but I am an idiot and deleted the email you sent me with your address - I don't suppose you could send it again could you? Sorry about that! I've had the necklace made for a couple of weeks. I am a bit daft sometimes.
Hi Cammy!
Although this may seem silly, why not try setting some sort of goal that you can hold yourself accountable for each week? A new activity to try, a new food, behavior, place to explore etc? You could post it as a challenge on your blog? This would help you break out of your comfort zone in a fun way that wouldn't cause anxiety. For example, eating somewhere else, going to a park, incorporating a new food/spice etc into your meals, starting your morning with a different positive routine? I know that changing things up- even in an incremental fashion, can actually be so liberating. Take care!
Barbara
i know how you feel.
i've been very blah in my new job. very blah.
here's what's helped me, and it's just me -- everyone's different.
gratitude list. when i really can't pull myself into a decent place in my head, gratitude lists remind me of the joys in my life.
doing something for others. i brought donuts to work the other morning and made new friends. i sometimes dread going to work -- bringing treats helped.
if none of those work, sometimes sitting in "blah" is just fine. sometimes, that's just where we need to be, i think.
be well!
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