Med update: R. doubled my dosage to 20 mg last Monday, then again to 40 mg this past Saturday. I have had zero negative side effects of any kind, which is good.
I'm not sure how to tell if it's working. I'd need an experimental control for myself. I guess life really is just one big flawed experiment, so this is no different. I didn't cry all weekend like I did over the previous one, but then again that weekend I was having a huge emotional release after weeks of uncertainty and a very stressful meeting with my adviser. I don't feel like crying all the time so far this week, and I guess I'm less anxious but I'm not not anxious. I got to see my mom last week, which was a huge booster, and things have been quiet overall. Honestly for the past three days or so I've felt really flat. So I'm not sure if it's that the drugs are making me less sad/stressed or that things are just actually less stressful. Who knows.
One pattern that is apparent -- I'm starting to like and crave weight loss way too much again. It soothes me and it terrifies me. I've lost about half of what I gained over the summer, after I returned from TRC. The only thing keeping me from slipping backwards on food right now is the fact that I'm doing my PhD comprehensive exams next week and really have to be on top of my game (it's a week of writtens, then two weeks later a three hour oral exam session with my committee).
And I don't know what to do about that. I'm still pretty robust relative to what I've been for most of my adulthood, but it is going down steadily even though I haven't cut back on food. Probably a combination of the exercise, my generally more active lifestyle when the semester is in session, and not having Match around to sweet-talk me into splurges.
This is where I've always pretty much failed before: I get up to weight X, just can't tolerate it, get busy/apathetic/tired of being uncomfortable, and slip back down before my brain can adjust to the higher weight. I guess I'm weak for not being able to ride out that anxiety.
So that's that. In other news, H.'s secretary sent me my "client ledger" because I asked to see how much insurance had actually been paying on my sessions this year. This turned out to be a spreadsheet with a list of every transaction since I first saw H. back in December 2007. As of this week, I have spent $10,050 at her office. Well, my mom and insurance companies have spent that much. I know that's peanuts compared to some treatment programs, but still, damn. Then again, I really do think she saved my life back in college. So there's that.
Okay, now some diversions. I have started watching 'How to Get Away with Murder' on Netflix after Viola Davis was in the news for being the first black woman to win an Emmy for leading actress in a drama. I am a huge television show snob and rarely watch network shows, but this one hooked me from the first episode. Just FYI.
Because my comps were pushed back a month and I'm now doing them in October, Match and I are going to have a two month gap between visits this fall. Actually like 9 or 10 weeks. It feels.so.long. I'm reading a novel right now (The Interestings by Meg Wolitzer; it's excellent) in which one of the main characters has a partner with chronic depression issues, and reading about how hard that is on her has made me feel mega-guilty for the fact that somehow Match tied himself to a girlfriend with a defective brain. There was a period when I was at rock bottom a couple of weeks ago when it seemed like he was getting frustrated and short-tempered with me, but whatever that was has passed and overall he's been great. I could have just been extra sensitive and fragile during that time, too.
Okay that's all for now. I've been getting up at 4:30 every morning to study for comps before work, so I have an old lady bedtime these days. Love y'all.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Wisdom of Tumblr
Weekend read, because I have no energy for a real update:
23 Times Tumblr Kept It Real About Mental Health
23 Times Tumblr Kept It Real About Mental Health
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Dreaded Adviser Confrontation
So I had the dreaded arbitration meeting with my adviser and another committee member yesterday. I was at about twice my max anxiety level, even though that's not technically possible. And my other committee member was 10 minutes late, so being the jackass that he is my adviser just sat and did things on his computer without speaking to me while we waited.
At the most basic level, I got what I wanted. He agreed to the plan for my dissertation chapters that my committee member had helped me develop. He tried the same unreasonable pushback on a few of the same things he was obstinate about when I was having those awful meetings with him a few weeks ago, but this time my committee member had my back and stood up for me that the ideas were interesting, conceptual, and valid. It shouldn't have taken someone else having to say those things to get him to listen, but oh well.
Example of how he handles things: one of my chapters will be based on database data, not field data. The committee member had referred to it as a meta-analysis in an email, although actually I'm synthesizing data de novo from a bunch of different places and doing stats on it to test several hypotheses, not doing a meta-analysis of other studies. Anyway, his comment was "I don't want a book report." He just assumes things have as little validity as possible without stopping to hear the facts. This happens with everything.
He didn't argue when I suggested staying here for the spring semester and doing a shorter field season in TRC next summer. He changes his mind all the time so this doesn't mean he won't give me grief about that later. Honestly I might not have a choice anyway given finances. I'm determined not to spend any more of his money on my project; I want to be as independent as possible. And he already indicated he's done paying for things anyway. When I go to the field during the spring semester, I forfeit a TA stipend for that entire semester (but still have to pay tuition to keep my benefits) and decrease my chances of summer funding as well. So if I stay here until May, I can have a guaranteed income for those months (which I haven't had in a while; I've been going from December to August or September with no formal paychecks the last two years) for all but three months and more time to focus on lining up summer money to both live on and spend on a summer field season.
So essentially I got my way. But my stress hasn't decreased that much. He was bright red and VERY obviously unhappy and uncomfortable during the meeting. My committee member (who is known as a big student advocate and has been SO supportive of me) has seniority over him in the department and is known for being a bit bulldoggish, so he probably felt backed into a corner. You know what? I tried very hard to resolve this with him before and he was obstinate and extremely unhelpful time after time. This is the fourth year of my PhD, I have to have a plan for my dissertation. I don't know what other choice I had besides just quitting.
I felt a bit relieved yesterday afternoon: I am working on database mining for Chapter 1 and hope to have a lot of that done by the end of this semester. I have all the data for Chapter 2 and just need to run a few more stats and write up the chapter. I hope that the last data for Chapters 3 and 4 will come together fast in with one more short field season. There is an end in sight.
But I still laid awake half the night stressing over the fact that he's unhappy with me and will probably not be supportive from here on out. As frustrated as I got with my MS adviser at times, he was at least always a good mentor for me. He still is. I'm frustrated that I had so many different options/offers for my PhD and ended up with this jackass. I do love everything else about this program, department, community, etc, though, so at least there's that.
I think the main thing I need to work on is to focus on me and not on him, and not let it get under my skin when he's a jerk. He has rocky relationships with most people in our lab and is known for being a jerk amongst other faculty in the department, from what I've heard. It's not my problem, it's his. But he does have power over me. Anyway, advice I've gotten from multiple trusted sources has just been to accept that he's a grumpy misogynist asshole, and to just keep my head down and do my work, and let that speak for itself. I'm not used to people being unhappy with me, but I need to get better at that.
So that's that update.
I also started Prozac this week. I'm on a minimal dosage to start (bumping up on Monday) and it's just been five days, so I doubt anything I've experienced this past week was due to it. But I have read that sometimes symptoms get worse before they get better with SSRIs and that has me worried. Monday my anxiety was totally overwhelming all day, it was absolutely eating me alive. That exhausted me and Tuesday was the lowest my mood has been in months; I just wanted to cry all day. Wednesday started out like that too; I started crying on my walk to work and had to call Match and talk for a while to calm down enough to go into the office. That afternoon I got to teach, though, which is always a big booster for me. It had been a nice distraction Monday but my anxiety roared back right afterward. Wednesday's session lifted my mood for a longer time; it didn't make everything all better but helped. Thursday was a lot better because I kept myself busy making progress on a project and having meetings with supportive people. Then I loaded my morning before the adviser meeting yesterday with recovery team stuff: Saw R. at 8:15 and H. at 9:15 before the meeting at 10:30.
My usual mode when I'm feeling low is to isolate, but this weekend I'm really, really feeling the need to be around other people for distractions. I'm going out with friends for dinner tonight and maybe on a hike tomorrow.
Food has been fine-ish. I restricted Sunday and Monday because of guilt over Friday night/Saturday party eating. H. pointed out that it might have been why my anxiety maxed out Monday evening. Anyway, I've been back on track since then. I CAN'T STAND my body right now; it's the highest weight I've maintained in about 6 years. But I also am really, really determined to perform well while wrapping up my PhD and don't want to go back down the ED rabbit hole . . . it used to be that I pretty much got used to a weight after a plateau of 6 weeks or so, but I've been at this weight for a solid 2 months and it still bugs me. And H. and R. want me to gain more. Ugh.
Okay that's this week's update. Thanks so much to the amazing readers that have been texting me support through these last few weeks; you're awesome people and I'm lucky to have you.
love y'all.
At the most basic level, I got what I wanted. He agreed to the plan for my dissertation chapters that my committee member had helped me develop. He tried the same unreasonable pushback on a few of the same things he was obstinate about when I was having those awful meetings with him a few weeks ago, but this time my committee member had my back and stood up for me that the ideas were interesting, conceptual, and valid. It shouldn't have taken someone else having to say those things to get him to listen, but oh well.
Example of how he handles things: one of my chapters will be based on database data, not field data. The committee member had referred to it as a meta-analysis in an email, although actually I'm synthesizing data de novo from a bunch of different places and doing stats on it to test several hypotheses, not doing a meta-analysis of other studies. Anyway, his comment was "I don't want a book report." He just assumes things have as little validity as possible without stopping to hear the facts. This happens with everything.
He didn't argue when I suggested staying here for the spring semester and doing a shorter field season in TRC next summer. He changes his mind all the time so this doesn't mean he won't give me grief about that later. Honestly I might not have a choice anyway given finances. I'm determined not to spend any more of his money on my project; I want to be as independent as possible. And he already indicated he's done paying for things anyway. When I go to the field during the spring semester, I forfeit a TA stipend for that entire semester (but still have to pay tuition to keep my benefits) and decrease my chances of summer funding as well. So if I stay here until May, I can have a guaranteed income for those months (which I haven't had in a while; I've been going from December to August or September with no formal paychecks the last two years) for all but three months and more time to focus on lining up summer money to both live on and spend on a summer field season.
So essentially I got my way. But my stress hasn't decreased that much. He was bright red and VERY obviously unhappy and uncomfortable during the meeting. My committee member (who is known as a big student advocate and has been SO supportive of me) has seniority over him in the department and is known for being a bit bulldoggish, so he probably felt backed into a corner. You know what? I tried very hard to resolve this with him before and he was obstinate and extremely unhelpful time after time. This is the fourth year of my PhD, I have to have a plan for my dissertation. I don't know what other choice I had besides just quitting.
I felt a bit relieved yesterday afternoon: I am working on database mining for Chapter 1 and hope to have a lot of that done by the end of this semester. I have all the data for Chapter 2 and just need to run a few more stats and write up the chapter. I hope that the last data for Chapters 3 and 4 will come together fast in with one more short field season. There is an end in sight.
But I still laid awake half the night stressing over the fact that he's unhappy with me and will probably not be supportive from here on out. As frustrated as I got with my MS adviser at times, he was at least always a good mentor for me. He still is. I'm frustrated that I had so many different options/offers for my PhD and ended up with this jackass. I do love everything else about this program, department, community, etc, though, so at least there's that.
I think the main thing I need to work on is to focus on me and not on him, and not let it get under my skin when he's a jerk. He has rocky relationships with most people in our lab and is known for being a jerk amongst other faculty in the department, from what I've heard. It's not my problem, it's his. But he does have power over me. Anyway, advice I've gotten from multiple trusted sources has just been to accept that he's a grumpy misogynist asshole, and to just keep my head down and do my work, and let that speak for itself. I'm not used to people being unhappy with me, but I need to get better at that.
So that's that update.
I also started Prozac this week. I'm on a minimal dosage to start (bumping up on Monday) and it's just been five days, so I doubt anything I've experienced this past week was due to it. But I have read that sometimes symptoms get worse before they get better with SSRIs and that has me worried. Monday my anxiety was totally overwhelming all day, it was absolutely eating me alive. That exhausted me and Tuesday was the lowest my mood has been in months; I just wanted to cry all day. Wednesday started out like that too; I started crying on my walk to work and had to call Match and talk for a while to calm down enough to go into the office. That afternoon I got to teach, though, which is always a big booster for me. It had been a nice distraction Monday but my anxiety roared back right afterward. Wednesday's session lifted my mood for a longer time; it didn't make everything all better but helped. Thursday was a lot better because I kept myself busy making progress on a project and having meetings with supportive people. Then I loaded my morning before the adviser meeting yesterday with recovery team stuff: Saw R. at 8:15 and H. at 9:15 before the meeting at 10:30.
My usual mode when I'm feeling low is to isolate, but this weekend I'm really, really feeling the need to be around other people for distractions. I'm going out with friends for dinner tonight and maybe on a hike tomorrow.
Food has been fine-ish. I restricted Sunday and Monday because of guilt over Friday night/Saturday party eating. H. pointed out that it might have been why my anxiety maxed out Monday evening. Anyway, I've been back on track since then. I CAN'T STAND my body right now; it's the highest weight I've maintained in about 6 years. But I also am really, really determined to perform well while wrapping up my PhD and don't want to go back down the ED rabbit hole . . . it used to be that I pretty much got used to a weight after a plateau of 6 weeks or so, but I've been at this weight for a solid 2 months and it still bugs me. And H. and R. want me to gain more. Ugh.
Okay that's this week's update. Thanks so much to the amazing readers that have been texting me support through these last few weeks; you're awesome people and I'm lucky to have you.
love y'all.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Morning After Regrets
So the good news is that despite my stress over breaking food routines and those nasty disordered thoughts about regaining after some weight slippage, I went to the party Friday/Saturday and had a fantastic time. After so many weeks of being super stressed, I REALLY needed that release. It was with a great group of friends, someeone else was coordinating everything so I just had to go along and not worry, and overall it was so good for me. I think the distraction and change of scenery shook me out of this trough of pure stress/anxiety/sad that I've been wallowing in for weeks.
The bad news is that I get really acute cases of Drunk Munchies when I have more than a couple of drinks, and seeing as how I had . . . more than eight drinks (after that does the number even matter?), I also munched enough to leave me feeling super super guilty the next day. And the next day (today). This wasn't binge-scale eating at all, but a lot more than I'd planned on letting myself have (WHY was the taco truck parked outside the place that does double-size shots by default? I suppose the answer to that is clear, because we all ate tacos after doing shots, as you do, obv).
Even though intellectually I KNOW drinking a lot of alcohol causes water retention and can temporarily spike weight, I'm still really fucking stressed because I know I also had a ton of extra calories (the drinks plus the drunk snacks), and I can't stop myself from making plans for how long I'll have to restrict to make up for this. I hate the inside of my brain like whoa.
Speaking of the inside of my brain, H. and R. have convinced me to start on a low dosage of Prozac (fluoxetine) on Monday. We'll see how that goes. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it; I think I sort of feel every possible thing about it.
Also, H. was really rough on me in our last session and I still feel bruised and sort of want to avoid her next week. I've been so emotionally raw and tenuous after all the stress with my adviser that I don't think I was feeling strong enough for a "get kicked in the ass and get back on track" episode. I could tell she actually felt a little bad about that. Then she should learn when not to do that I suppose.
Also, in case anyone is concerned, yes I'm aware that 8+ drinks in one night is NOT a good idea, and that is NOT something I do regularly. This is not a chronic problem. I can go weeks and weeks without having any alcohol at all and it doesn't bother me, I rarely have more than two if I do drink (again, I hate that it increases my appetite, so maybe thank the ED for my typical restraint on this), and I specifically don't let myself have any when I feel like I "need" it because I'm stressed. Like I said, I think after a stretch of so much all-consuming anxiety and worry I just needed some release this weekend. And it felt good to be a normal 20-something having a birthday bash with a great group of friends. Anyway, just felt the need to issue the disclaimer that this is NOT a pattern.
Okay, off to do something productive for the rest of the weekend, love y'all.
The bad news is that I get really acute cases of Drunk Munchies when I have more than a couple of drinks, and seeing as how I had . . . more than eight drinks (after that does the number even matter?), I also munched enough to leave me feeling super super guilty the next day. And the next day (today). This wasn't binge-scale eating at all, but a lot more than I'd planned on letting myself have (WHY was the taco truck parked outside the place that does double-size shots by default? I suppose the answer to that is clear, because we all ate tacos after doing shots, as you do, obv).
Even though intellectually I KNOW drinking a lot of alcohol causes water retention and can temporarily spike weight, I'm still really fucking stressed because I know I also had a ton of extra calories (the drinks plus the drunk snacks), and I can't stop myself from making plans for how long I'll have to restrict to make up for this. I hate the inside of my brain like whoa.
Speaking of the inside of my brain, H. and R. have convinced me to start on a low dosage of Prozac (fluoxetine) on Monday. We'll see how that goes. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it; I think I sort of feel every possible thing about it.
Also, H. was really rough on me in our last session and I still feel bruised and sort of want to avoid her next week. I've been so emotionally raw and tenuous after all the stress with my adviser that I don't think I was feeling strong enough for a "get kicked in the ass and get back on track" episode. I could tell she actually felt a little bad about that. Then she should learn when not to do that I suppose.
Also, in case anyone is concerned, yes I'm aware that 8+ drinks in one night is NOT a good idea, and that is NOT something I do regularly. This is not a chronic problem. I can go weeks and weeks without having any alcohol at all and it doesn't bother me, I rarely have more than two if I do drink (again, I hate that it increases my appetite, so maybe thank the ED for my typical restraint on this), and I specifically don't let myself have any when I feel like I "need" it because I'm stressed. Like I said, I think after a stretch of so much all-consuming anxiety and worry I just needed some release this weekend. And it felt good to be a normal 20-something having a birthday bash with a great group of friends. Anyway, just felt the need to issue the disclaimer that this is NOT a pattern.
Okay, off to do something productive for the rest of the weekend, love y'all.
Friday, September 11, 2015
Familiar Thoughts
I think the extreme amount of stress I've had over the last few weeks is starting to edge me back down the rabbit hole a bit. I've shed some pounds since I left Match City, despite keeping up with my baseline food intake. In Match City we do splurgey eating out days at least once or twice a week, so that's probably a factor, and I am a bit less active there despite still being militant about the gym. Alone in my apartment in PhD Town, there is no one to see or guilt me for spending an extra hour working out, or for insisting on walking everywhere instead of driving.
And I'm starting to get a little scared yet exhausted by the all-too-familiar nigglings in my brain: Oh, you've gotten down to X weight again, well of course you can't "ruin" that now by regaining any, in fact maybe you should tighten up a few things in order to make sure that doesn't happen . . . the slippery slope to hell, of course.
Thanks to those who commented on my last post with their experiences/insights about SSRIs. I have a session with H. in 22 minutes to discuss that; I know she's going to push for it. R. already called in the prescription so I can pick it up any time if I want to. I am starting to wonder, though, if it wise to make a decision about that during what is an extraordinarily stressful period that is (hopefully) temporary. I don't know. I don't know anything.
I miss Match; I don't unwind or stop my stress spiraling nearly as effectively when we're not together.
Finally, going to the nearest Big City with a big group of friends for a birthday party bash this weekend. We're squeezing a bunch of people into two hotel rooms, doing a nice dinner and "Bike Bar Tour" and then dancing . . . I REALLY need the distraction right now. But although a month or two ago I could totally have handled having a couple of "vacation days" from food rules and exercise, right now it's really anxiety-provoking. We'll see, I guess.
And I'm starting to get a little scared yet exhausted by the all-too-familiar nigglings in my brain: Oh, you've gotten down to X weight again, well of course you can't "ruin" that now by regaining any, in fact maybe you should tighten up a few things in order to make sure that doesn't happen . . . the slippery slope to hell, of course.
Thanks to those who commented on my last post with their experiences/insights about SSRIs. I have a session with H. in 22 minutes to discuss that; I know she's going to push for it. R. already called in the prescription so I can pick it up any time if I want to. I am starting to wonder, though, if it wise to make a decision about that during what is an extraordinarily stressful period that is (hopefully) temporary. I don't know. I don't know anything.
I miss Match; I don't unwind or stop my stress spiraling nearly as effectively when we're not together.
Finally, going to the nearest Big City with a big group of friends for a birthday party bash this weekend. We're squeezing a bunch of people into two hotel rooms, doing a nice dinner and "Bike Bar Tour" and then dancing . . . I REALLY need the distraction right now. But although a month or two ago I could totally have handled having a couple of "vacation days" from food rules and exercise, right now it's really anxiety-provoking. We'll see, I guess.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
On Drugs
You know, I have talked so much about the recent angst about my adviser and my grad school stuff, that I really don't have the energy to recap it all. I'm pretty sure that most people that actually read this blog are caught up on it. If you're not and you're dying to know, ask, but I'm going to pick up with current things rather than wallow through that.
Current thing: Ever since ever, I have been super resistant to being medicated for mental health issues in any way. I have had so many medical professionals of all stripes recommend any number of prescriptions for anxiety, depression, sleeping, etc etc. Call it part of the disorder, but I really cringe at the idea of putting something in my body that changes the way it works in ways I can't control.
However, yesterday I had a long conversation with my physician (she's been so key lately that she deserves a pseudonymous initial; let's call her R). I trust R. more than any other physician I've had. She has been open about the fact that she dealt with an ED when she was younger and is really on top of monitoring all the potential health complications, even when my weight is out of the immediate danger zone.
Yesterday she seemed to really be jonesing to get me on an SSRI (Zoloft or Prozac specifically). Again, my knee jerk reaction to this has always been "hell no." Because, stubborn. But I do trust her. And H. has been trying to medicate me since I was 20 and was THRILLED when I told her about that conversation. So I'm thinking about maybe maybe trying it. By maybe maybe I mean I'm not 100% no, but still very hesitant. H. swears that if I gain a few more pounds and stay there then my anxiety would get a lot better, but seems to still be an advocate for meds. I have always been so obstinate about this issue but I think the fact that my brain is.never.ever.calm is just starting to wear me out . . .
So, readers, please comment with anything and everything you have to say about your SSRI experiences. I've been warned about the sexual side effects and that's something I'll have to think about. But anyway, not looking for a "you should do it" or "pitch the pills" type response, just interested in what experiences other people with similar issues have had on them . . . thanks.
Love y'all.
Current thing: Ever since ever, I have been super resistant to being medicated for mental health issues in any way. I have had so many medical professionals of all stripes recommend any number of prescriptions for anxiety, depression, sleeping, etc etc. Call it part of the disorder, but I really cringe at the idea of putting something in my body that changes the way it works in ways I can't control.
However, yesterday I had a long conversation with my physician (she's been so key lately that she deserves a pseudonymous initial; let's call her R). I trust R. more than any other physician I've had. She has been open about the fact that she dealt with an ED when she was younger and is really on top of monitoring all the potential health complications, even when my weight is out of the immediate danger zone.
Yesterday she seemed to really be jonesing to get me on an SSRI (Zoloft or Prozac specifically). Again, my knee jerk reaction to this has always been "hell no." Because, stubborn. But I do trust her. And H. has been trying to medicate me since I was 20 and was THRILLED when I told her about that conversation. So I'm thinking about maybe maybe trying it. By maybe maybe I mean I'm not 100% no, but still very hesitant. H. swears that if I gain a few more pounds and stay there then my anxiety would get a lot better, but seems to still be an advocate for meds. I have always been so obstinate about this issue but I think the fact that my brain is.never.ever.calm is just starting to wear me out . . .
So, readers, please comment with anything and everything you have to say about your SSRI experiences. I've been warned about the sexual side effects and that's something I'll have to think about. But anyway, not looking for a "you should do it" or "pitch the pills" type response, just interested in what experiences other people with similar issues have had on them . . . thanks.
Love y'all.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Hornbacher at This is My Brave
Updates on my real, currently-being-upended life soon.
In the meantime, this clip of Marya Hornbacher at a This is My Brave event is must-watch material for the weekend. I know Hornbacher is pretty controversial amongst EDers; that might be an interesting post at some point when I have the energy.
In the meantime, this clip of Marya Hornbacher at a This is My Brave event is must-watch material for the weekend. I know Hornbacher is pretty controversial amongst EDers; that might be an interesting post at some point when I have the energy.
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