Flawed Experiment

Med update: R. doubled my dosage to 20 mg last Monday, then again to 40 mg this past Saturday. I have had zero negative side effects of any kind, which is good.

I'm not sure how to tell if it's working. I'd need an experimental control for myself. I guess life really is just one big flawed experiment, so this is no different. I didn't cry all weekend like I did over the previous one, but then again that weekend I was having a huge emotional release after weeks of uncertainty and a very stressful meeting with my adviser. I don't feel like crying all the time so far this week, and I guess I'm less anxious but I'm not not anxious. I got to see my mom last week, which was a huge booster, and things have been quiet overall. Honestly for the past three days or so I've felt really flat. So I'm not sure if it's that the drugs are making me less sad/stressed or that things are just actually less stressful. Who knows.

One pattern that is apparent -- I'm starting to like and crave weight loss way too much again. It soothes me and it terrifies me. I've lost about half of what I gained over the summer, after I returned from TRC. The only thing keeping me from slipping backwards on food right now is the fact that I'm doing my PhD comprehensive exams next week and really have to be on top of my game (it's a week of writtens, then two weeks later a three hour oral exam session with my committee).

And I don't know what to do about that. I'm still pretty robust relative to what I've been for most of my adulthood, but it is going down steadily even though I haven't cut back on food. Probably a combination of the exercise, my generally more active lifestyle when the semester is in session, and not having Match around to sweet-talk me into splurges.

This is where I've always pretty much failed before: I get up to weight X, just can't tolerate it, get busy/apathetic/tired of being uncomfortable, and slip back down before my brain can adjust to the higher weight. I guess I'm weak for not being able to ride out that anxiety.

So that's that. In other news, H.'s secretary sent me my "client ledger" because I asked to see how much insurance had actually been paying on my sessions this year. This turned out to be a spreadsheet with a list of every transaction since I first saw H. back in December 2007. As of this week, I have spent $10,050 at her office. Well, my mom and insurance companies have spent that much. I know that's peanuts compared to some treatment programs, but still, damn. Then again, I really do think she saved my life back in college. So there's that.

Okay, now some diversions. I have started watching 'How to Get Away with Murder' on Netflix after Viola Davis was in the news for being the first black woman to win an Emmy for leading actress in a drama. I am a huge television show snob and rarely watch network shows, but this one hooked me from the first episode. Just FYI.

Because my comps were pushed back a month and I'm now doing them in October, Match and I are going to have a two month gap between visits this fall. Actually like 9 or 10 weeks. It feels.so.long. I'm reading a novel right now (The Interestings by Meg Wolitzer; it's excellent) in which one of the main characters has a partner with chronic depression issues, and reading about how hard that is on her has made me feel mega-guilty for the fact that somehow Match tied himself to a girlfriend with a defective brain. There was a period when I was at rock bottom a couple of weeks ago when it seemed like he was getting frustrated and short-tempered with me, but whatever that was has passed and overall he's been great. I could have just been extra sensitive and fragile during that time, too.

Okay that's all for now. I've been getting up at 4:30 every morning to study for comps before work, so I have an old lady bedtime these days. Love y'all.