Less Weight on the Scale

So despite all the turmoil and backsliding with regards to food and working out, I realized this morning that at least one behavior has improved: weighing. I’ve never been one to obsessively weigh multiple times a day, but that ritual morning check-in with the scale and recording of weight in my little notebook was always of umpteenth importance to me for years. (Interestingly, I went through a period where I was very sick but never weighed myself, there have been various stages). Obviously I could not weigh myself every day when I was out in the jungle, though, and it seems to have broken that mental loop and just really don't care enough on most mornings to do the scale thing. Giving it less weight, and I won't lie, the pun is intended.

Now that I’m co-habitating with family again, I can’t keep my scale in the bathroom because it would be awkward/upsetting for various family members, I think, and despite my history I really do try to minimize stress on my family. My room has no hard surfaces on which to put a scale, so I can’t use it in there. I’m usually up before everyone else in the morning, so it’s easy to just carry it into the bathroom, but I really do seem to have just broken the habit. I’ve been back for 2 weeks now and have weighed myself 4-5 times, way less than the minimum 14 times I would have previously. And all but one of those times I forgot to write it down in The Notebook.

So there you go, something to break the streak of doom and gloom posts.

Leaving this afternoon to spend a few days with Match and try to get this damn thing worked out.

No matter what happens with M, I won’t see him again for over a month (he lives 10 -12 hours away), and I think right now is a good time for me to have a break from being physically with someone, because although in some ways it has definitely helped me to validate my healthier body over the past year, right now I think it’s probably just an added stressor to my out of whackness.

I know this still smacks of Tomorrow Syndrome, but I SWEAR that after this trip I’m going to get back on the wagon with eating.

Ok need to bounce, will catch up with y'all this weekend my loves.

Title? I give up.

So, the Match situation is hard to explain right now. I tried to break up with him and he's refusing to accept that, and somehow he always talks me down. He made the valid point that our last good-bye was way too rushed (it was, emergency in the airport and I literally had to sprintoff). So he's coming down next week and we're going to spend a few days together. I think he's seeing it as coming down to rescue the relationship and remind me of why we're good together, but in my mind it's kind of a last hurrah/wrap up/finalize this type situation. In a nutshell, I'm confused and don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Truthfully, he's my best friend right now, I think that's the main issue that's keeping me from doing what I know I need to. He knows me better than anyone. He's the only person I can talk to about my ED. He always knows what to say to make me smile, he is the most honest (in a tactful way) person I've ever met, his voice can calm me down like no other and mine seems to do the same for him, we have our inside jokes and text each other at the same moment randomly multiple times a day. Goddammit now I'm crying. Again. I bet this all sounds really selfish, too. It's not that I dislike him and want him out of my life, I just have this gut feeling that this is not It, as he claims, this little worm of dissatisfaction that has been building for quite a while. I wish I had a good reason, some excuse to be mad at him or dislike him, but I don't, he's actually a great boyfriend.

So, that's the update on that. Collecting myself, for the moment.

Food and exercise have deteriorated a bit since I've been back and I'm at the lowest weight I've been in over a year. I need to get a grip on this. I KNOW that. I can't get in this pattern, I'm too experienced and efficient at it to let myself. I have Tomorrow Syndrome right now, although Tomorrow is a stand in for various milestones in the future. I'll do better in the morning, I'll do better this weekend, I'll do better after the trip to see Match.

It will be the first time he's seen me since before my trip, and I'm worried he'll find me more attractive at a lower weight. But some wicked part of me almost hopes for it, to validate what I'm doing to myself.

On another note, a while back (2 years almost, damn) I posted a Rihanna song that really hit home with me regarding ED stuff. Recently I've also been struck by her chorus in the single she has out right now, "Love the Way You Lie." (Video at bottom). Actually if you're not mega-turned off by Eminem, the whole song can be seen as a sort of metaphor for an ED, as it's about an abusive/entrapping relationship. But anyway, I think the chorus sums it up well:

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I REALLY don't want this quote to come off as anything pro, I'm afraid it seems like a quote that would show up on one of those sites, because that's NOT how I want to frame it. Just trying to share that sometimes things like this strike a chord and I think it captures the ambiguity of relapse, being simultaneously afraid and seduced, drawn to something that can only end up poorly, as if a moth knew it would burn but can't break the trance of the flame.

Lonely People

"There are so many people out there that are lonely, Cammy, and you don't have to be one of them, so why are you working so hard to make it that way?"

~Match

Sawing with a Blunt Knife

Ending this relationship is like sawing at something with a blunt knife. M is so insistent that we can make it work, he dismisses or explains away every issue that I bring up. And apparently I am a sucker for Man Tears. Who knew. In reality the distance is only a convenient excuse to make a move that I would probably be doing anyway; I really do think I'm ready to move on. I'm trying to establish that, but I do care about him and am also trying to do it with minimal damage to him, which seems to be impossible at this point.

I also found out today that my university failed to arrange for my stipend payments for the following year, so I have close to a$1000 worth of bills being automatically drafted from my account on Monday and zero income for the month.

And my dad's job is downsizing and closing the location where he works. He's not being let go, but he will have to relocate right in the middle of the school year, a problem for 1) my brother, who will be a graduating senior in high school, 2) my mom, who is halfway through law school and can't transfer, and 3) last and least, but still me, who was planning to live here with them for the year while getting myself out of debt and am now not sure what I'll do if they move.

And my mom's dog is a tampon-munching trash can raider that left his unburied treasure in my brother's room today, neither of us will ever live that down.

Oh and I spent way too long at the gym and ate less than I knew I should have today. I don't know why. I know I shouldn't have but frankly, I don't give a damn.

I'm tired.

Joining Society Again

So, the first day of my first week of "I can do it myself without a therapist," I spent 2 hours wandering grocery stores looking for and failing to find anything I wanted to buy and 1 hour calling around to gyms about membership plans. And 30 minutes sweet-talking the desk guy at my chosen place to waive the $99 application fee. Skillz, my momma done trained me well.

I seriously have zero appetite. I just came out of a month with a very limited selection of very bland food, so I would have thought I'd be super excited about actually having options now (daily menu at field station was rice and eggs for breakfast, rice and beans for lunch, rice and canned tuna for dinner). But I seriously have no desire for any of it. I have, of course, been eating, but I find my utter lack of caring to be kind of interesting, because at one point I spent SO much time and mental energy obsessing over recipes and planning my food. It's made it super-easy to undercut cals, but I'm trying to get back on track with that now that I'm getting settled in with a bit of a routine.

I guess the whole appetite thing is likely stress-induced, major internal wrestling match going on right now over M. issues. And living with family again. And getting caught up on everything after being gone for a month.

And to be honest, after being in a developing country for a while, living around people who have so little, walking into a Target and seeing all the fancy extras and colorful opulence kind of ignites frustration with the world for me, rather than desire to buy a $6 box of granola.

Mutual Relief

C's reply to my e-mail telling her that I won't be seeing her anymore was prompt, to the point, and had a not very well veiled undertone of relief. Not that I wanted her to beg me to come back, of course. I think both of us were aware that it just wasn't working, but she didn't want to dump me.

Right now I'm trying to figure out the fate of another relationship, one that can't be resolved with a brief e-mail and an appointment cancellation, and I'm really bad at this.

Hola, remember me?

So, anyone remember me? Anyone? Bueller? Lol. Well, since I'm posting it is obvious that I survived my jungle experience. I had a great time in some ways, in other ways it could have been much better. My research itself went great, and I had some awesome wildlife sightings and experiences like that. The downside was that I let my hiking get to obsessive and my eating get too restrictive, and did lose weight while I was there, enough to get me in trouble when I got back. I have to admit that I didn't necessarily mind the loss, even though I know I didn't need it, but I do really resent how dragged out and just crappy feeling I let myself get the last week or two there, I love fieldwork so much that any self-inflicted taint on it makes me super-frustrated with myself. It's funny because I can tell a little bit from comparing pictures at the beginning and end of trip, but wouldn't have guessed the number just from that. Probably because I'm fairly bundled up in a lot of the pics. Of course I knew exactly where a pharmacy with a scale was in the city we flew into in Developing Country to check right when I got there and right when I left. :/ I had some tummy trouble the first day, a flu-type thing a couple days in the middle, and REALLY annoying breakthrough bleeding the whole time I was there, probably from skipping my BC placebo week too many months in a row. I've only been back for one paragraph and already y'all have TMI!

Tons to catch up on, but right now I've just got the energy for a few bullet-points:

-I'll be going back to the field periodically for the next year, and in between times I'm living with my family (so I'm not paying rent on a place that's empty for 1/3-1/2 of the year). This is/willbe a HUGE adjustment, especially since I get majorly stressed about food when I'm sharing a kitchen and feel under the microscope by my mom...but we'll see. It's worth saving over $1000 in bills every month.

-Officially terminated treatment with C and D.

-I've got major boy issues right now, in a nutshell I want to end one relationship because it's long distance (among other, more significant reasons) at the same time I'm being tempted by another relationship that involves the same distance. Oy.

-I miss my dog! The wonderful Tiptoe has been taking care of him all month, so this weekend I get to both see her and retrieve him!

-Knees have improved, they held up much better than expected during my trip.

-Have been detoxing from caffeine and I feel like CRAP. Withdrawal stinks.

-I missed y'all! I had over 400 new blog posts just in the ED folder on my Google Reader page when I got back to the US, so it will take me a few days but I'm trying my best to get caught up!

<3