So for some reason as soon as I got back to my place in PhD Town and unpacked I had a full-blown ugly-cry anxiety attack.
I'd been feeling good about my body and had been so relaxed about food stuff (sista had a DONUT on the drive today) but suddenly feel like I have the physique of a snow woman. I'm sure it's generalized stress about the semester starting and maybe some relating being here to stress with my adviser, dunno.
If you have ANY "gaining weight is good" messages or insights to share, I could really use them right now.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Holiday Break Comes to an End
I am now back in Match City, stopping over for a few nights on my way back to PhD Town. It was hard leaving my mom and grandfather; that month passed too quickly.
Last weekend I took a road trip to Historic Southern Town with my mom and Brother 1, and actually had a great time. My mom had a conference to go to there, and I got to bring P. along. I caught up with good friends from high school and college and generally just played tourist; it was awesome. I also ate like I was on vacation.
But between two days of driving for that, all day in the car yesterday, and the two-day drive back to PhD Town starting Friday, I am getting REALLY sick of sedentary car time and it's making it harder to sit with my recently restored weight.
Since I haven't been weighing myself, I have no idea how much I've regained. I lost almost all of my summer weight over the fall and don't think I've regained all of it, but I've still put on enough for me to really notice, both in terms of physical sensation and what I notice in the mirror or pictures of myself. I can still wear all of my jeans comfortably, but they had gotten big on me by the end of last semester.
Honestly, I'd be totally happy with my body with this weight or even more except my stomach -- that is still by far my biggest hangup. I like having fuller breasts and booty, and having healthier looking arms, etc. Just need to deal with feeling like I have a spare tire and a bit of a moon face. When I get back to PhD Town I'm going to try to do a max of half the gym time I was this past fall, and to make at least 1/3 of it strength training rather than just cardio, because I think that will help me sit with the weight gain better instead of panicking and letting myself lose it again.
I'm actually shocked that I haven't gained more given how liberal I've been with food and how much I've cut exercise. Go figure. Also been hypermetabolic as hell; I think I mentioned that in the last post.
Also, getting to Match City last night meant the First Sex After Weight Gain session. That's always really hard for me. Match is great and really insistent that he's a safe space and will be happy with my body whatever happens, loves it looking more filled out, blah blah blah, but it's still difficult.
Fortunately for Match, my libido has been like whoa now that my body has been better taken care of for over a month. Unfortunately for me, his back injury means that we really can't do as much as we used to (it's still regular but less frequent than before). I'm getting really frustrated with his refusal to do any kind of treatment for his back and how much that affects us both (NOT just because of the sex, a lot of things are more affected than that). That's for another post, I guess.
I have a lot of post-holiday processing to do during my session with H. tomorrow. I'm getting stressed about dealing with my landlord and adviser when I get back to PhD Town. Real life sux. Also, between all the crises with my jerk adviser, jerk dad, jerk Brother 2, jerk landlord, and jerk dad-in-la in 2015, plus Match being a grump at times over the holidays, I have just about lost all my patience for men over the past year or so, real talk.
Alright, love y'all.
Last weekend I took a road trip to Historic Southern Town with my mom and Brother 1, and actually had a great time. My mom had a conference to go to there, and I got to bring P. along. I caught up with good friends from high school and college and generally just played tourist; it was awesome. I also ate like I was on vacation.
But between two days of driving for that, all day in the car yesterday, and the two-day drive back to PhD Town starting Friday, I am getting REALLY sick of sedentary car time and it's making it harder to sit with my recently restored weight.
Since I haven't been weighing myself, I have no idea how much I've regained. I lost almost all of my summer weight over the fall and don't think I've regained all of it, but I've still put on enough for me to really notice, both in terms of physical sensation and what I notice in the mirror or pictures of myself. I can still wear all of my jeans comfortably, but they had gotten big on me by the end of last semester.
Honestly, I'd be totally happy with my body with this weight or even more except my stomach -- that is still by far my biggest hangup. I like having fuller breasts and booty, and having healthier looking arms, etc. Just need to deal with feeling like I have a spare tire and a bit of a moon face. When I get back to PhD Town I'm going to try to do a max of half the gym time I was this past fall, and to make at least 1/3 of it strength training rather than just cardio, because I think that will help me sit with the weight gain better instead of panicking and letting myself lose it again.
I'm actually shocked that I haven't gained more given how liberal I've been with food and how much I've cut exercise. Go figure. Also been hypermetabolic as hell; I think I mentioned that in the last post.
Also, getting to Match City last night meant the First Sex After Weight Gain session. That's always really hard for me. Match is great and really insistent that he's a safe space and will be happy with my body whatever happens, loves it looking more filled out, blah blah blah, but it's still difficult.
Fortunately for Match, my libido has been like whoa now that my body has been better taken care of for over a month. Unfortunately for me, his back injury means that we really can't do as much as we used to (it's still regular but less frequent than before). I'm getting really frustrated with his refusal to do any kind of treatment for his back and how much that affects us both (NOT just because of the sex, a lot of things are more affected than that). That's for another post, I guess.
I have a lot of post-holiday processing to do during my session with H. tomorrow. I'm getting stressed about dealing with my landlord and adviser when I get back to PhD Town. Real life sux. Also, between all the crises with my jerk adviser, jerk dad, jerk Brother 2, jerk landlord, and jerk dad-in-la in 2015, plus Match being a grump at times over the holidays, I have just about lost all my patience for men over the past year or so, real talk.
Alright, love y'all.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Hello from 2016
Hi all. I didn't intentionally go silent on the blog, but got behind and then it felt like a chore to catch up, so I got farther behind and even less motivated to catch up . . . so yeah, the holidays happened. Here are the main headlines from the last six weeks or so:
1. I GOT A DOG.
A pup-dog, to be precise, squarely in her adolescent stage but still a doll. Let's call her P. When G. died I didn't think I'd ever have another dog, but it had been 2.5 years or so and I finally felt ready. I am SO in love with her. H. (psychologist) wrote a letter "prescribing" an Emotional Support Animal so I can have her at my apartment. That was a bit of drama; my landlord is a total dick. But I'd rather deal with him being grumpy than not have her. She was a stray and is wary of new people but bonded to me quickly, and I absolutely adore her.
2. Christmas
I don't really like Christmas anymore. It was my Nana's birthday, plus with my parents being recently split it was more a cause for stress over who saw who when than anything else. We didn't exchange presents this year, which was actually a huge relief and made the whole thing much more about just spending time with family.
My youngest brother (Brother 2) chose to spend Christmas with my dad. I chose to spend it with mom, my grandpa, and my favorite uncle at his farm about 4 hours away. My oldest younger brother (Brother 1) decided to come there with us but have mom and dad meet halfway on Christmas day so he could spend the evening with Dad and Brother 2. I rode along with my mom for the trip so she wouldn't have to spend two hours driving alone on Christmas Day.
When my dad got there (it was the first time I'd seen him since they split), I said "Merry Christmas Dad" but he just said "no" and brushed past me. I saw him for less than a minute total for the four hours of car time. Honestly I did it for my mom, not for him, but still. Rude. Match and I went over to his place for dinner about a week later and things went better then. I know he's hurting, but he is also SO volatile. He's been doing some pretty ugly things towards mom, too (cutting her off from bank accounts, sending her mean texts at all hours, etc), making this as hard as possible for her.
We went to yet another state to see Match's next oldest brother (he's the baby) and his dad, and that visit went amazingly well, especially considering the debacle that ended his last visit with us. I could tell he was trying REALLY hard. Food was stressful at times because those two are more of the "have one huge meal a day and snack the rest of the time" sort, which doesn't work for me, especially when my metabolism is revving out of control. But we managed.
3. New Year's
Celebrated at my Grandpa's house, not all that noteworthy.
4. Match
I went to Match City from PhD Town (with P. in tow, of course), then we came down to my mom's house together. He is under a lot of work- and money-related stress right now, and was a bit cranky for a big chunk of our time in Match City, but we talked about it and he really did do a good job of turning that around. He also told me I seemed distant and distracted once we got to my family, which is probably true because I was pretty caught up in family stress.
5. ED Stuff
I wish I understood my brain. Somehow I go into a completely different mode of being when I leave my place and go to Match's. I have been gaining weight, although I don't know how much, because I haven't been weighing myself OR logging my food, two more wins. I've basically been eating to match hunger/appetite, which is actually hugely foreign territory. AND at least during the Match visit (he went home on the 5th, a week ago) I was exercising (either walking outside or gym time) for half my usual time at max, sometimes just 1/4.
I've actually been pretty shocked that I haven't gained WAY more weight, but I've also been hugely hypermetabolic. Still, a lesson for the future that splurging doesn't translate linearly to bulking up.
6. School/Work
I am a bit ashamed and stressed that I don't have more work done to show for my time over the break. I DID finish a manuscript with my MS adviser and get it submitted, so there's that. And there has also been all the family and health stuff to attend to. So oh well. Fortunately X (my PhD adviser) doesn't teach during the spring semester so hopefully he won't be around all that much, which makes me a lot less anxious. He DID fail to sign my PhD candidacy forms before jetting off to Tropical Research Country this week, even though I reminded him multiple times in December, dropped them off at his office, and he swore he'd do it. He is not very good at this job.
7. Miscellaneous
My mom and I are plowing through 'Making a Murderer' on Netflix. RIVETING. She is an attorney and has seen a lot of despicable things done during investigations, but even she has been shocked. I'm not done yet so no spoilers, but everyone go watch that show so we can discuss it soon!
My new dog's tail is long relative to her body that when she gets really excited and wags hard, she smacks herself in the face with it. True story; I have video.
I saw my first ever Star Wars movie; the new one out in theaters now. It wasn't by choice; Match and his brother and Dad wanted to see it. I didn't really think much of it to be honest, but chase and battle type movies always bore me. The little round robot did remind me a bit of P, though.
I guess this is a long enough post for now; I hope to be updating regularly again now.
Happy belated new year, love y'all.
1. I GOT A DOG.
A pup-dog, to be precise, squarely in her adolescent stage but still a doll. Let's call her P. When G. died I didn't think I'd ever have another dog, but it had been 2.5 years or so and I finally felt ready. I am SO in love with her. H. (psychologist) wrote a letter "prescribing" an Emotional Support Animal so I can have her at my apartment. That was a bit of drama; my landlord is a total dick. But I'd rather deal with him being grumpy than not have her. She was a stray and is wary of new people but bonded to me quickly, and I absolutely adore her.
2. Christmas
I don't really like Christmas anymore. It was my Nana's birthday, plus with my parents being recently split it was more a cause for stress over who saw who when than anything else. We didn't exchange presents this year, which was actually a huge relief and made the whole thing much more about just spending time with family.
My youngest brother (Brother 2) chose to spend Christmas with my dad. I chose to spend it with mom, my grandpa, and my favorite uncle at his farm about 4 hours away. My oldest younger brother (Brother 1) decided to come there with us but have mom and dad meet halfway on Christmas day so he could spend the evening with Dad and Brother 2. I rode along with my mom for the trip so she wouldn't have to spend two hours driving alone on Christmas Day.
When my dad got there (it was the first time I'd seen him since they split), I said "Merry Christmas Dad" but he just said "no" and brushed past me. I saw him for less than a minute total for the four hours of car time. Honestly I did it for my mom, not for him, but still. Rude. Match and I went over to his place for dinner about a week later and things went better then. I know he's hurting, but he is also SO volatile. He's been doing some pretty ugly things towards mom, too (cutting her off from bank accounts, sending her mean texts at all hours, etc), making this as hard as possible for her.
We went to yet another state to see Match's next oldest brother (he's the baby) and his dad, and that visit went amazingly well, especially considering the debacle that ended his last visit with us. I could tell he was trying REALLY hard. Food was stressful at times because those two are more of the "have one huge meal a day and snack the rest of the time" sort, which doesn't work for me, especially when my metabolism is revving out of control. But we managed.
3. New Year's
Celebrated at my Grandpa's house, not all that noteworthy.
4. Match
I went to Match City from PhD Town (with P. in tow, of course), then we came down to my mom's house together. He is under a lot of work- and money-related stress right now, and was a bit cranky for a big chunk of our time in Match City, but we talked about it and he really did do a good job of turning that around. He also told me I seemed distant and distracted once we got to my family, which is probably true because I was pretty caught up in family stress.
5. ED Stuff
I wish I understood my brain. Somehow I go into a completely different mode of being when I leave my place and go to Match's. I have been gaining weight, although I don't know how much, because I haven't been weighing myself OR logging my food, two more wins. I've basically been eating to match hunger/appetite, which is actually hugely foreign territory. AND at least during the Match visit (he went home on the 5th, a week ago) I was exercising (either walking outside or gym time) for half my usual time at max, sometimes just 1/4.
I've actually been pretty shocked that I haven't gained WAY more weight, but I've also been hugely hypermetabolic. Still, a lesson for the future that splurging doesn't translate linearly to bulking up.
6. School/Work
I am a bit ashamed and stressed that I don't have more work done to show for my time over the break. I DID finish a manuscript with my MS adviser and get it submitted, so there's that. And there has also been all the family and health stuff to attend to. So oh well. Fortunately X (my PhD adviser) doesn't teach during the spring semester so hopefully he won't be around all that much, which makes me a lot less anxious. He DID fail to sign my PhD candidacy forms before jetting off to Tropical Research Country this week, even though I reminded him multiple times in December, dropped them off at his office, and he swore he'd do it. He is not very good at this job.
7. Miscellaneous
My mom and I are plowing through 'Making a Murderer' on Netflix. RIVETING. She is an attorney and has seen a lot of despicable things done during investigations, but even she has been shocked. I'm not done yet so no spoilers, but everyone go watch that show so we can discuss it soon!
My new dog's tail is long relative to her body that when she gets really excited and wags hard, she smacks herself in the face with it. True story; I have video.
I saw my first ever Star Wars movie; the new one out in theaters now. It wasn't by choice; Match and his brother and Dad wanted to see it. I didn't really think much of it to be honest, but chase and battle type movies always bore me. The little round robot did remind me a bit of P, though.
I guess this is a long enough post for now; I hope to be updating regularly again now.
Happy belated new year, love y'all.
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