You Can Call Me Candidate, and Other Updates

Hey! Long time no blog! I'm finally unburied from prelims and have a chance to catch up. So . . .

I PASSED PRELIMS!!!! With "flying colors" according to my committee. 

 
I AM SO RELIEVED. And, dare I say, happy.

So that was Tuesday evening. I went out with friends and had a total splurge night (both food and drinks). Woke up still drunk the next morning (life milestone), then proceeded to go to the gym anyway. It took me about half an hour to accept that "move around so you metabolize it faster" is a really miserable strategy. Oh well. I hadn't planned to go into the office that day anyway. I was fine by the time I had to teach in the afternoon.


Wednesday night X (my advisor), took the lab out to dinner to celebrate, including the little posse of undergrads that is working for me now (I adore them). He suddenly became super friendly and approachable after I did well in prelims (not to brag, but two of my most senior committee members told him it was the best orals session they'd ever seen. It would be hard for him to blame my work ethic/ability if things came to a head with us again). The dinner out was also a milestone, because it's basically the first time X has been friendly or social all semester. He is famously hermit-like and NEVER voluntarily gets people together for outings, so it was a big gesture on his part. I had another splurgy meal/drink night.

Thursday was a labmate's birthday -- another evening gathering. This time I really needed to give my stomach a break from alcohol and just had a glass of wine, but did have yet another restaurant meal (not splurgey this time, but usually I hate eating out so many days in a row).

Last night was a pumpkin-carving/Halloween party at a friend's house. It was cold outside (where the scooping was being done) and my friend's adorable dog decided he was my best friend and didn't want to leave my lap. So my pumpkin is still intact but I had a nice cuddle session with the pup and it was heaven. We watched 'Hocus Pocus' (obviously), and then . . . the best worst movie ever. Zombeavers. Every iota of innuendo and low-budget college humor suggested by the title is absolutely reflected in the movie. But it was so intentionally bad it was *almost* clever and we couldn't look away. Be warned.

So that is how this week has been.

 Also, the Prozac seems to be working. I can't remember if I've blogged since R. bumped me up to 60 mg, but that seems to be the recipe for me. The only side effect I've had at all was feeling really fogged in and bleary after bumping up to 60, but I switched to taking it at night and now it's fine. I feel exactly like I did before except much less "shakeable" and more even-keeled. I'm really relieved.

The first sign was when I had car trouble a couple of weekends ago, which threatened to interfere with a fun day with my friends, and then resulted in me having to leave my car on campus overnight. I was annoyed but totally calm and had confidence in my plan for dealing with it the next day. I was fine. It felt so weird.

Match says he can tell a big difference in my mood and affect too. Again, it's not that stress just bounces off of me, but I can feel it and deal with whatever it is without it becoming a big incident that colors the rest of the day. Another example: Match and I had a small spat last Saturday, and instead of freaking out and getting emotional and worried and anxious, I was able to stay a lot more level when dealing with it and we moved past it quickly.

So, of course I'm in a good mood this week because I PASSED MY PRELIMS (PhD Candidate woot!), but I do think that my brain just feels different, also. I was VERY nervous and tense on Monday (the day before my oral exam, the nail in the coffin for prelims), but I think anyone would be; it's a big deal. One important thing I noticed, though, was that it sucked feeling that staticky and amped up, but that a month or two ago that's how I was feeling EVERY DAY. I felt like I never got a plateau to rest on. Now I think I'm mostly on the plateau so I have enough energy to make it over the hills and valleys that come along.  I hope that makes sense.

So that's great. Things with R haven't been so great. Last Friday (before prelims) I went in and had lost yet more weight, and I think she just felt utterly at a loss for what to do with me. She made all kinds of weak threats and ultimatums about not signing paperwork for me to go back to TRC, even though we both know I can just get another physician to do it. Then she asked to have a pow-wow with H. So they did that. H sent me an email afterward filling me in on what they talked about, and what I read between the lines was that it was sort of a mini-therapy session for R, with H reassuring her that I'm actually not a lost cause and she has confidence in me. I think that now I'm through my prelims they're going to be pushing me a lot more.

I saw R again yesterday, and things were pretty okay until the end of the appointment, when we had a confrontation about whether or not she was going to weigh me in the office. I'd had a really splurgey week and had drunk a ton of water that morning (based on thirst, not water-loading), so I insisted it wouldn't be meaningful and told her what I'd weighed at home first thing that morning. She got pretty mad and made it clear she was unhappy with me. In the moment my brain just felt like it was in stubborn lockdown mode and I didn't care. When I left I felt really sad and guilty and had my first cry in weeks, maybe a month or more. I texted with H. a bit and she told me to email R. an apology so I wasn't just wallowing. I did, and she replied to let me know she still likes me even though I'm a pain in the ass. So that was a relief.

The noteworthy thing about all that, which happened first thing in the morning, is that I had that little incident of being upset but moved on and actually had a good, productive day in spite of it. Usually something like that bogs me down and colors everything else. I guess that's a win.

Okay so much to update about but I'll leave it at this for now. Thanks SO MUCH to all the readers who were giving me fantastic support during prelims. You ladies are amazing. Love y'all.