You Can Call Me Candidate, and Other Updates

Hey! Long time no blog! I'm finally unburied from prelims and have a chance to catch up. So . . .

I PASSED PRELIMS!!!! With "flying colors" according to my committee. 

 
I AM SO RELIEVED. And, dare I say, happy.

So that was Tuesday evening. I went out with friends and had a total splurge night (both food and drinks). Woke up still drunk the next morning (life milestone), then proceeded to go to the gym anyway. It took me about half an hour to accept that "move around so you metabolize it faster" is a really miserable strategy. Oh well. I hadn't planned to go into the office that day anyway. I was fine by the time I had to teach in the afternoon.


Wednesday night X (my advisor), took the lab out to dinner to celebrate, including the little posse of undergrads that is working for me now (I adore them). He suddenly became super friendly and approachable after I did well in prelims (not to brag, but two of my most senior committee members told him it was the best orals session they'd ever seen. It would be hard for him to blame my work ethic/ability if things came to a head with us again). The dinner out was also a milestone, because it's basically the first time X has been friendly or social all semester. He is famously hermit-like and NEVER voluntarily gets people together for outings, so it was a big gesture on his part. I had another splurgy meal/drink night.

Thursday was a labmate's birthday -- another evening gathering. This time I really needed to give my stomach a break from alcohol and just had a glass of wine, but did have yet another restaurant meal (not splurgey this time, but usually I hate eating out so many days in a row).

Last night was a pumpkin-carving/Halloween party at a friend's house. It was cold outside (where the scooping was being done) and my friend's adorable dog decided he was my best friend and didn't want to leave my lap. So my pumpkin is still intact but I had a nice cuddle session with the pup and it was heaven. We watched 'Hocus Pocus' (obviously), and then . . . the best worst movie ever. Zombeavers. Every iota of innuendo and low-budget college humor suggested by the title is absolutely reflected in the movie. But it was so intentionally bad it was *almost* clever and we couldn't look away. Be warned.

So that is how this week has been.

 Also, the Prozac seems to be working. I can't remember if I've blogged since R. bumped me up to 60 mg, but that seems to be the recipe for me. The only side effect I've had at all was feeling really fogged in and bleary after bumping up to 60, but I switched to taking it at night and now it's fine. I feel exactly like I did before except much less "shakeable" and more even-keeled. I'm really relieved.

The first sign was when I had car trouble a couple of weekends ago, which threatened to interfere with a fun day with my friends, and then resulted in me having to leave my car on campus overnight. I was annoyed but totally calm and had confidence in my plan for dealing with it the next day. I was fine. It felt so weird.

Match says he can tell a big difference in my mood and affect too. Again, it's not that stress just bounces off of me, but I can feel it and deal with whatever it is without it becoming a big incident that colors the rest of the day. Another example: Match and I had a small spat last Saturday, and instead of freaking out and getting emotional and worried and anxious, I was able to stay a lot more level when dealing with it and we moved past it quickly.

So, of course I'm in a good mood this week because I PASSED MY PRELIMS (PhD Candidate woot!), but I do think that my brain just feels different, also. I was VERY nervous and tense on Monday (the day before my oral exam, the nail in the coffin for prelims), but I think anyone would be; it's a big deal. One important thing I noticed, though, was that it sucked feeling that staticky and amped up, but that a month or two ago that's how I was feeling EVERY DAY. I felt like I never got a plateau to rest on. Now I think I'm mostly on the plateau so I have enough energy to make it over the hills and valleys that come along.  I hope that makes sense.

So that's great. Things with R haven't been so great. Last Friday (before prelims) I went in and had lost yet more weight, and I think she just felt utterly at a loss for what to do with me. She made all kinds of weak threats and ultimatums about not signing paperwork for me to go back to TRC, even though we both know I can just get another physician to do it. Then she asked to have a pow-wow with H. So they did that. H sent me an email afterward filling me in on what they talked about, and what I read between the lines was that it was sort of a mini-therapy session for R, with H reassuring her that I'm actually not a lost cause and she has confidence in me. I think that now I'm through my prelims they're going to be pushing me a lot more.

I saw R again yesterday, and things were pretty okay until the end of the appointment, when we had a confrontation about whether or not she was going to weigh me in the office. I'd had a really splurgey week and had drunk a ton of water that morning (based on thirst, not water-loading), so I insisted it wouldn't be meaningful and told her what I'd weighed at home first thing that morning. She got pretty mad and made it clear she was unhappy with me. In the moment my brain just felt like it was in stubborn lockdown mode and I didn't care. When I left I felt really sad and guilty and had my first cry in weeks, maybe a month or more. I texted with H. a bit and she told me to email R. an apology so I wasn't just wallowing. I did, and she replied to let me know she still likes me even though I'm a pain in the ass. So that was a relief.

The noteworthy thing about all that, which happened first thing in the morning, is that I had that little incident of being upset but moved on and actually had a good, productive day in spite of it. Usually something like that bogs me down and colors everything else. I guess that's a win.

Okay so much to update about but I'll leave it at this for now. Thanks SO MUCH to all the readers who were giving me fantastic support during prelims. You ladies are amazing. Love y'all.

Solid as a Chalk

I went in for a DEXA scan yesterday to get a gauge on my current bone density. The last time I had one was back when I was 22 or so (I turn 29 this month). I was nervous about this, because at my advanced age now I don't have a lot of prospects for improving bone density. It's all downhill from here.

Quick history: When I was in my late teens I was diagnosed with osteopenia in one hip and one of my vertebrae, with another vertebra looking marginal. I had the test redone after a good degree of weight restoration, when I was 22, and I had managed to get up to the low end of normal range by then. So, now that I'm an old lady, R. has really been pushing me to get tested again. Not that there's a whole lot we can really do at this stage if it's low.

I was 100% sure that the last time I was scanned it was a whole-body deal. I have a distinct memory of seeing a really cool X-ray image of my whole body, and it gave me a bunch of metrics like body fat percentage, estimated bone weight, etc. I had it done at an endocrinologist's office that time. Anyway, this time I just went to the general radiology department at the hospital, and they only did my left hip and lower spine. So no skeleton selfie.

They also refused to give me even a preliminary printout of the results; they said they had to be send to the radiologist first, then R., and I could get the news from her at my next appointment (Friday).

Fortunately, R. is awesome, and when she got the results just two hours after my scan, she called me with the news: NORMAL. Low normal, but in the normal range! Woot woot! Look at these beefcake bones! ;)

So that was a huge relief. I guess it makes sense: even though I've technically stayed "underweight", I haven't let my weight dip below a certain BMI threshold since that weight restoration in my early 20s, except for a few months earlier this year. And I started on hormonal birth control when I was 23 (although I have heard that this doesn't actually help with bone density, despite often being prescribed to women with amenorrhea for that purpose). Whatever the reason, I'm just really relieved, especially because all the stress fracture issues I've had over the past couple of years have made me wonder if my bones are already basically made out of Jiffy Pop.

Good news for once! More updates soon. Love y'all.

Writtens, Check.

It's over! It's over! The written portion of my doctoral comprehensive exams is over. I think it went well. I will update when I have more time, because I have been awake since 2 AM and am exhausted but am determined to finish my glass of wine and watch trash TV for a while before passing out. It's over!

Prelim Time

I'm starting my doctoral prelim exams in 3 hours -- I'll have 7 days to do the writtens (5 questions, 30 page limit not including refs/figures), then two weeks after that I'll do a three hour oral session with my whole committee. Then I find out if I pass or not. I'm anxious in an antsy way but not an upset way right now. Yesterday my adviser suddenly changed the plan for when I'd recieve the questions today, which ripped open the little seam of stress I'd been struggling to keep closed. Cue crying meltdown that had even Match at a loss for what to do/say.

Now that I know when I will actually get the exam questions and things are concrete things seem okay again. I'm just so ready to get this over with. I think the emotional flare-up yesterday really wore me out; I wish I was starting this thing less tired but oh well.

I worked hard this weekend to keep myself busy and not stress-spiral (again, aside from that little meltdown yesterday afternoon). I hung out with friends until around midnight both Saturday and Sunday evenings, and that was exactly what I needed. (Did you know Cards Against Humanity has a science expansion pack? "David Attenborough watching us mating." The possibilities are endless). I didn't catch up on sleep like I probably should have, but I think the decompression time was worth it.

 I'm going to try to be careful to pace myself, but am not sure if I'll have energy for an update while in the throes of the writtens, so if not, love y'all and take care.

Side Effects?

Possible trigger warning? This post talks about weight loss, but no numbers or behaviors designed to achieve weight loss. Unintentional weight loss. But I felt the need to put a little warning up because I live in fear of being triggering for someone.



















I have had to have the "do you actually want to get better because it doesn't look like it" conversation twice in two days now, once with H. and once with R.

R. was pretty appalled at how much weight I've lost just in the last week. And I honestly have no explanation for it. I know it wasn't a fluke of fluctuation between last week's weigh in and this one, because I weigh myself every day and have watched it go down steadily all week, each time dropping to a new "lowest since earlier and earlier date in June" level. The only variable in my life that has changed is that we doubled my Prozac dosage a week ago. Other than that my food and exercise have been the same as for the past month. I do tend to shed weight when I'm stressed and not sleeping well -- I lost a bit without changing food/exercise after my Nana died last fall, but I was at 200% stress levels a few weeks ago and my weight didn't drop like this, so who knows. I'm not sure if R. believed me that I haven't cut my food intake.

I've been feeling pretty awful too, all the old familiar sensations that come from being in energy deficit. How can something be so scary and seductive at the same time?

Anyway, I really cannot afford to slip farther right now; I start the written portion of my comprehensive exams (I have one week to finish; 30-page limit) on Monday. I'm not worried about the material being too difficult but am worried about my stamina and focus. I guess I need to make it a priority to rest up this weekend.

That brings up the only other potential drug side effect I've noticed: I've been sleeping really restlessly. I don't have trouble falling asleep, just staying asleep after 1:00 or so. But then again, it is normal for me to wake up a few times per night and to be up for the day by 4:00. It just seems like I haven't been going all the way back to sleep after middle-of-the-night wake-ups like I typically do. Dunno. Like I said in a previous post, it's hard to tell without an experimental control for myself. I am not noticing any mood improvements so far; I completely felt like the sky was falling for a few days this week even though nothing bad actually happened. I've only been taking it for 3 weeks, though, and R. said to wait at least 6 before we start to decide if it just isn't working for me.

I hope everyone has a great weekend, love y'all.

Therapy Laughs

Excerpt from today's therapy session with H.:

H: You are a very stubborn woman.
Me: [sarcastically] No one has ever told me that before . . .
H: Well good, that's job security for me.


We also had a laugh when she started using my interest in nature as an analogy for taking care of myself:
H: "Would you tell your plants that they just had to get by on almost no water, tough luck?"
Me: I'm actually growing cactus, no joke.
H: Well, damn.
[big laugh]
H: Okay that's kind of horrible, but great.

Okay just wanted to share. One of my favorite things about H. is how sassy she is, even though sometimes that's my least favorite thing about her. I don't think I could work with someone who didn't have a good barometer for appropriate levels of sarcasm and humor.