Approaching Travel Burnout

I'm exhausted and have to wake up to get ready for the airport in less than six hours, so this will be a brief farewell (for now) post.  Shipping off in the morning, sort of mixed feelings.

I think I'm a bit burnt out on travel. I've had such a feeling of dread about this trip. Maybe after doing so poorly with self-care on my last few trips to this place, I am starting to get an inherent sense of aversion to going there, because it's become associated with feeling trapped in making myself feel like shit when I should actually be having the time of my life.  So there's that. I have a lot of resentment for myself that I get to go to this awesome place and do such cool stuff, and the only things that really make me miserable there are almost entirely of my own doing.

The two assistants going with me this time are younger girls, maybe 3ish years my juniors. That brings up some additional ruminations.  1) I feel more responsible for them than I might have for some of my other field assistants.  As usual,  there is no professor on this trip and I am the Big Boss.  It can bring some degree of pressure to be the one everyone always needs info/instructions from, and I feel sort of protective of this set since they are so young and it's their first time in the tropics. 2) I am also very aware that they will probably be very aware of my eating patterns.  There is pretty much zero privacy in the field, so it's hard to hide anything while you're there.  That stress could turn out to be positive, as it might make me more likely to eat more normally, to avoid making them uncomfortable or suspicious that I be nutso.

On the plus side, so far zero side effects from the Prednisone, don't even think I'm retaining water.  I'd braced myself for the appetite boost, but if anything I've been less hungry than earlier in the week, on the same number of calories.  Maybe a tad bit more thirsty than usual, but that's it.  Again, major thanks to everyone who chimed in and made me feel better so that I changed my mind about shunning the Rx.

So I guess this is good-bye for now, but I shall return in about a week and a half, don't forget me while I'm gone!  Love y'all.

Weight Calcs and Other Updates

Wow, y'all are fantastic.  Thanks so much to the feedback on my last post.  I was about 99% sure I wasn't going to even get the prescription filled, but now I'm about 85% sure that I will take the Pred . . . with a lot less anxiety now.  All of the feedback was very appreciated.

I thought I should explain a bit more about my anxiety over the weight gain, too.  If it's just water weight and will go away, I can handle that.  I'm slightly worried about discomfort while traveling, but I imagine I'll survive.  It's not like the parrots and monkeys care if I'm a little bloated, right?  And, as one person pointed out, having my appetite boosted a bit may not be a bad thing as I'm heading into an environment in which I slip into restrictive mode way too easily.

A few people brought up the fact that the general equation for weight gain is 3500 calories/pound.  I know that, but I think my worry is that in my experience the rule doesn't really hold, for me at least.  There have been some points in my weight restoration at which I was gaining weight exactly at the predicted rate, using that statistic.  But bodies don't work in a uniform fashion.  Interestingly, one study I found suggests it takes more calories for an "anorectic restrictor" to gain a pound than an "anorectic bulimic", during recovery...but what is the definition of an anorectic bulimic? Someone with exercise bulimia/anorexia athletica? If not, then how do those cases fit in? More research please! I didn't link to the study because of all the discussion of daily intake rates, wasn't sure if it would trigger some readers).  Not to make this triggering or anxiety inducing for anyone, because just for the record, in my personal experience, for what that's worth, I have *never* gained weight faster (ie on less than the standard 3500 calorie rule) than I "should" have.

There have been plenty of times I gained it much more slowly, though.  As evidenced by my recent post about constant hunger, my body seems to like to go into hypermetabolic mode when it is bouncing back.  A few months ago I returned from a trip after not doing so well, foodwise, while away, and getting back on my meal plan essentially doubled my daily caloric intake.  And....I lost weight the first week!

And as a rule during my weight restoration, I'll gain for a while, hit a plateau, and not budge above that (usually happens about every 5 pounds) until I make an additional significant change in intake or exercise.  So much for the "X grapes adds up to Y pounds over the course of a year" theory: weight gain isn't infinite, bodies like balance!  I know I've discussed this before, so I guess I'll stop rambling about it.

There have also been times when I haven't lost as much as might have been predicted by the book, which I would hypothesize was caused by some form of metabolic compensation.

So all of that should be comforting, but it has also made me distrust the rules about gain/loss being purely calorie in or calorie out.  And I hate taking any medication, whether I suspect it will change my weight or not, just because I hate feeling like something is altering the way my body works in a way I can't control.  Scary!

In other news, my Bottomless Pit Syndrome has abated somewhat over the past couple of days.  I hate that stage where I am famished less than an hour after finishing a high-volume and calorically compliant meal.  It is such a weird sensation to be physically uncomfortable because I am so full, and to really not have an appetite, but to still have hunger pains.  Just haywire.

I am less than 48 hours from leaving for my trip!  Hasn't sunk in yet.  At this point it's pretty routine for me, though, the only thing that changes each time are my traveling companions.

Speaking of companions, this separation from Match (for those of you who don't know, he had to move 600 miles away last fall for grad school and I only see him one weekend a month) has been the hardest yet, on both of us.  I am so glad that my boyfriend is also the best friend I've ever had, but it makes it doubly hard when I have to be away from him. I am fiercely independent and progressive and capable and all that, don't get me wrong. I know I don't need the boy, but I want him, damnit.  I sad.

I hope everyone's weekend is off to a great start, love y'all.

Prescription Panic

Ok, so I had a follow-up at the dermatologist about that skin infection today and am a little bit panicked about my newest prescription.  My infection is gone but leftover inflammation is still irritating the nerve, so he wants me on Prednisone, which is an anti-inflammatory steroid.  The side effects of this are, among a list of other things, weight gain.  I have seen this for myself, we used to prescribe it to dogs all the time when I worked at a vet's office in high school.

I expressed concern to the doctor about the side effects, and he seemed to be that it was no big deal for a 5 day course.  But he also mentioned he has me on a double dose daily.  So I am basically terrified and pretty sure I don't want to screw with this, partly because of the effects of the drug and partly because I know it will make my ED anxiety increase to the n-th power right as I am starting my field work next week.  If the weight gain is just from increased appetite, I can handle that.  The past decade+ of my life would be way different if I weren't so adept at managing appetites.  But if there is more of a physiological mechanism going on . . . that absolutely freaks me out, I hate the thought of putting something into my body that changes the way it works.  Control issues, anyone???

Other side effects are excessive thirst and problems sleeping, plus a risk of hives and fever, things I really don't want to have to deal with while I'm getting settled into my jungle work.  Starting a new drugs two days before disappearing into the tropical forest is probably not advisable even for Normal people, right?

So the point of this panicbabble is to ask: has anyone been on a short course of Pred like that, and if so did you notice any effects accumulate in the space of less than a week?

Body Getting on My Nerves

So I have had the hunger pains from hell today. Ten times worse than when I was consuming way less food per day over the weekend.  And yes, I have been assiduous about the meal plan since I got home from my trip.  Why are bodies so damn much work?

=(

Back for a Pit Stop

I'm back!  Got in from my Match weekend yesterday, trying to hit the ground running with catching up and preparing for my next research trip.  Fleeing to the tropics next Monday, I feel like my time at home is more of a pit stop than anything else.

The trip went well, except for some crazy flight hassles on the way there.  Winter is mean. I did end up getting there on time, though. We did more of just hanging out at home than on previous visits, when we've hit museums, parks, etc, every day, mostly because it's too damn cold to do much outside, and we're broke as broke can get.  We did have some fun outings though.  Went to an aquarium, saw a play, were out with some of his friends on Saturday night, went to a pretty nice restaurant on Friday night and a VERY nice one on Sunday as our Valentine's Day date. So I say we spent more time at home, but it's not like we didn't go anywhere all weekend.

I did talk to him a bit about how depressed I've been lately.  I always am this time of year, but, as he pointed out, this is the first time in 5 years that I haven't been in therapy in the winter/spring, which probably isn't helping anything.  He was understanding and supportive, and later I caught him online looking at light boxes for me. So anyway, I addressed that more directly with him than ever before, and of course both of us know he can't fix it, but it still feels better to have shared.

Eating-wise, I did maybe about my usual up there.  It's just so hard when it's too cold to do anything that involves a lot of walking, biking, etc.  I did, however, rock the challenge at our V's day dinner.  Ordered what I thought looked best (NOT a salad), had a full glass of wine (strongest wine I've ever had, by the way, it got me way more buzzed than the two cocktails and a shot I had when we went out with some of M's friends Saturday night), and, drumroll......DESSERT.  I wish I could tell you how long it's been since I ordered dessert in a restaurant, but I honestly have no freaking clue.  Sixth grade or before, to be sure.  And I ate the whole thing, except for a bite that I gave to Match in exchange for a bite of his.  It was a fairly light item, as desserts go, but it was completely unplanned and out of character for me.

It felt so good to feel so normal, albeit briefly.

I have to admit that one questionable move I made was that a few days I definitely used alcohol to chill myself out a bit.  I am pretty blue and tense this time of year, and I didn't want to be a downer while hanging out with Match. Being buzzed from that curiously strong wine probably was a big factor in me letting my guard down enough for the dessert.  On Saturday alcohol ended up making up a pretty substantial portion of the day's calories. I'm not necessarily worried about that becoming a daily trend, I only ever drink when I'm out with people (not all that often), and have honestly never been drunk in my life.  I was aware, though, that I was using it as a tool to cope with anxiety.

Anyway, that's the main recap.  Happy belated Valentine's Day to everyone!  Whether you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/other miscellaneous significant other or not, I hope that you felt loved in some way yesterday, you deserve it. I hope everyone's week is off to a great start.

Tomorrow is Getting Close!

So, today is automatically a good day...because it means tomorrow is tomorrow, and tomorrow I see Match! Flying up for my monthly long weekend with my homeboy, and I can't wait.  And yes I realize the title of this post makes no sense.  It will be the last time I see him before I'm out of the country for another research trip later this month.  And in case you haven't noticed, I'm rather fond of him. :)

Thanks so much for the great comments and support last night, I did indeed survive and have felt a lot less anxious this morning. I indeed did not gain ten pounds overnight, or any pounds for that matter, despite feeling like a beached whale when I went to bed.  Sometimes it's good to have a reminder that our perceptions can really play with our minds sometimes, and you can't always trust them.

Has been kind of a quiet few days.  I have done as much as I can to my data, and so have a bit of a break until I bring the next batch back from my upcoming trip.  So what have I been doing?

-I've started to tool around on the piano again.  I was pretty good in high school, but have had almost zero time for it since I started college.  I'm ultra-rusty, of course, but it's still incredibly calming for me, even when I'm going back to a lot more basic songs than I used to be able to play. Seems to be coming back to me fairly quickly, though.

-Remember a while back when I mentioned I was working on a new fiction project?  I've been getting up early to write at about1000 words a day on it for almost two weeks, so it's building up pretty steadily.  Have hit a few blocked days where I didn't get as much done, but am really trying to stick with it and not drop this one as soon as I start to get frustrated or doubt myself.

-I'm halfway through the third season of Mad Men.  HOOKED.  Actually the third season isn't quite as good as the first two, but it's enough to keep me coming back for more, and I am VERY picky about tv shows.

-I've been on a kick of reading memoirs/biographies.  Really, really amazing to read about the things some people go through, not just surviving but thriving in the aftermath.

Like I said, kind of in a lull period for my work, obviously.  Oh well, I'm about to be immersed in it hardcore again, so a bit of a break isn't the end of the world.

This will probably be my last post before my Match trip.  I am going to try very hard to do well while I'm at his place, as far as food goes.  I appreciate all y'all, hope everyone has a fantabulous week/weekend!

Challenges are....Challenging

Believe it or not, I actually challenged myself both food and exercise-wise today.  Maybe doing both in the same day was a mistake, I have a bad, bad case of the Bad Body ooglies tonight.  Why does my mind make everything so damn difficult?

I am not going to gain ten pounds overnight, and even if I did put on weight after altering a couple of things--which feel major to me in the moment but admittedly minor in the grand energy balance of my week--that's what I'm *supposed* to be doing. Or at least that's what I've been trying to tell myself all afternoon/evening.  Get a grip Cammy, and do it fast because feeling like this really sucks.

Circle Time Numero Dos

So a while back I did a post with various quotes and how they hit home with me regarding the ED and recovery.  Here is another round of that, with some lines that have struck me especially deep since then.

"If you believe it is impossible, then you will never find the secret, and you will always have to toil with iron in order to make it always less perfect than this."

-The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts by Louis de Bernieres

 I think a big problem with not only taking on recovery, but dealing with plateaus in the process, is not being able to imagine that you'll actually win this game.  It's too big, too hard, too far away.  If you don't think you can do it, it's harder to justify pushing yourself.  I think that's a big part of why I'm a bit stalled with progress at the moment.  At a midway point, you're still treading water with recovery, but are still working for the ED in some areas, and it's just fucking exhausting, to put it simply, and all that energy is being put into holding yourself back.

Not that we should fool ourselves into thinking anyone ever achieves perfection, of course that would be discouraging:

Apparently, people didn't look at pictures anymore and ask if they were lifelike.  They looked at their lives and compared them to images they'd seen somewhere.

~The Intimates by Ralph Sassone

So we can't be perfect, but how do we get where we're supposed to be?

Regardless of what the advertising campaigns may tell us, we can't have it all.  Sacrifice is not an option, or an anachronism; it's a fact of life.  We all cut off our own limbs to burn on some altar.  The crucial thing is to choose an altar that's worth it and a limb you can accept losing.  To go consenting to the sacrifice.
~The Likeness by Tana French

Way too true.  Nothing comes for free.  But freedom is worth the price, at the risk of sounding cliche.  When we have to "cut off our own limbs to burn," we have a choice between the healthy limbs and the disordered parts of ourselves.  The ED is a limb we can lose, if we can learn to consent and accept it.

Consenting and accepting is easier said than done, of course:


There is a gland in him that drips acid on his brain, distorting his perceptions until the world mirrors his own chaos and the monsters of his mind.
~The Prince by R. M. Koster

And the physical effects of ED behaviors can make it harder to find your way out of that chaos.  And no, you don't have to be emaciated for those effects to set in. This sums up the ED dilemma pretty much as well as anything I've ever read:

She is aware of how extraordinary it is, what the body does to the mind, and what the mind does to the body, one convincing the other it is in control.
~The Dancer by Colum McCann

And gradually we don't know ourselves anymore.  I think that's the scariest part for me, not only realizing how  incorporated this has become into who I am, but the wonder of finally rebuilding an ED-free life, structured around something besides food and exercise.  Can an entire scaffold be replaced like that?

Such a price the gods exact for song, to become what we sing.
~"The Strayed Reveller to Ulysses" by Matthew Arnold

When do you know when something is becoming something that changes you?
~Adverbs by Daniel Handler

Of course, we are not our diseases.  So at some point we have to climb out enough to realize that, and not hate ourselves for lingering so long.

It's one thing to forgive yourself for a mistake.  But if you knew it was a mistake at the time, how do you forgive yourself then?
~Handler again

I think that blaming yourself is really common with EDs (I'm definitely guilty).  But you can't blame yourself for it any more than you could blame yourself for having a more "classic" physical illness, in my opinion.  It's a disease. Sure there are things you can do to handle predispositions and triggers more or less well.  But you didn't ask to be sick.  People don't seek cancer, but a lot of our behaviors can exacerbate our chances.  That doesn't mean we asked for a tumor.

So treat yourself kindly, don't hold a grudge towards yourself for being sick, and but do give yourself tons of credit for all the hard work you put in to overcome it.  Think about what you'd say to an ill friend, and how happy you'd be that they were pulling out of it and reclaiming their healthy life.  You deserve no less.


And as long as I'm totally just bumming off of other people's wisdom for the day, check out Arielle's latest video with some facts that are crucial to keep in mind, a short 2 minutes that packs a lot of punch.

Recovery Soundtrack: Update

Once upon a time near the beginning of this blog, I posted my "Recovery Soundtrack", which I'd done as therapy homework.  I've kept it around, adding to it gradually, so I thought I'd post the updated version.  There are several different distinct types of songs.  Some are about feeling a bit hopeless but acknowledging there's a problem.  Some about starting to make changes, how it's tough but necessary.  Some are just confidence boosters, some are about how much potential there is waiting for us out in the world when we are free of whatever holds us back.  I'm sure all of them won't touch everyone (they're never all relevant to me at a given time, depends on mood and circumstances), but there's a pretty good variety and hopefully there's at least something here most people will connect with.

Changes  -3 Doors Down
It's the Only One You've Got  -3 Doors Down
Sober   -P!nk
Girl America    -Mat Kearney
Show Me Love   -Robyn
Unwritten   -Natasha Bedingfield
How Far We've Come   -Matchbox 20
Wasted   -Carrie Underwood
Jumper   -Third Eye Blind
Bleed Like Me   -Garbage
F**kin' Perfect   -P!nk
The Voice Within    -Christina Aguilera
Can't Break Her Fall   -Mat Kearney
Change   -Taylor Swift
Beautiful   -Christina Aguilera
Baby Seat   -Barenaked Ladies
Baby Got Back   -Sir Mix A Lot
The Reckoning  -Bryson VanCleve
Mirrow   -BarlowGirl
Living in Pain   -2Pac, Mary J. Blige
Change Your Mind   -Sister Hazel
Courage   -Superchick
Tied Together with a Smile   -Taylor Swift  (I read somewhere that she specifically wrote this song about a friend with an ED, by the way)
What a Scene   -Goo Goo Dolls
Just Like a Pill   -P!nk
Sympathy   -Goo Goo Dolls
All in All   -Lifehouse
Disturbia   -Rihanna
We Are   -Ana
Ordinary   -Train
Sophie   -Eleanor McEvoy
Feel   -Matchbox Twenty
Beauty from Pain   -Superchick
It's My Life   -Bon Jovi
Somebody I Once New   -Dead Celebrity Status
Unpretty   -TLC
Dear Friend   -Stacie Orrico

Also, pretty much the entire 'Away from the Sun' album by 3 Doors Down hits home every time for me.  Has been the source of much Car Crying over the years.

I'm always adding and looking for more good songs, so anyone care to share?  Do you have any favorites you listen to for motivation or just when you're having a hard time and need to feel like you're not alone and hopeless?

No Wonder....

So no wonder those damn antibiotics haven't taken care of this pesky infection I've been dealing with on and off since last fall.  Got a second opinion today, from someone who actually bothered to do labwork on it, and it's viral, not bacterial.  So all those weeks of vice-like headaches and upset stomachs from the antibiotics were for naught.

That's good news, though, because it means I can stop the antibiotics, lose the headaches, and take drugs that he said should clear the problem up pretty quickly.  The bad news is that the virus lives on a specific nerve under the skin and never really goes away, even when you can't see a flare-up.  Apparently it's aggravated by UV, so I have to be extra careful when I'm working in the tropics, but I'm good about sunscreen anyway.  He said it's also likely to break out if I'm stressed or immunocompromised.  In other words, chill out and take care of your damn body, Cammy.

I do wish he could just tap it and make it go away forever, but feels good to have a solid answer and not to have to deal with chronic headaches from the antibiotic meds anymore.  I hope this post didn't gross anyone out.  I haven't talked about the infection much but it's REALLY been stressing me out.

What's the Point? Accountability in Recovery

So, in a discussion with a friend recently, the issue of accountability came up.  What keeps someone accountable to recovery?  What's the point of trying to do better with behaviors? It's easy to just gain weight or change some behaviors to get people off your back, make you therapist, loved ones, etc happy, without really dealing with the issues.  This invariably comes back to bite one in the ass, because recovery really has to be about *you* and your life in order for it to stick and open up the opportunities you deserve.  Not that I don't think therapists, family, etc can be EXCELLENT for support and accountability, just pointing out that their support can be utilized in a variety of ways, some better and some worse.

The issue of personal accountability is interesting to me, because it differs so much between people.  For me, I am very passionate about my research and work.  I have to keep myself at least robust enough to go do pretty strenuous hiking and lifting while staying in very rustic conditions in the tropics for weeks at a time.  My muscles, bones, immune system, etc need to be up to speed. Being able to perform as I need to on the next trip (I'm always planning the next excursion as soon as I return from the last one) is something that keeps my head on at least marginally straight.  It doesn't make me try to regain weight as much as I know that I need to, but it definitely keeps me from allowing myself--or, the important part, even WANTING--to lose more weight.  I don't handle the situation ideally, but it is something that lingers in my thinking when I'm having major ED temptation.

Along the same lines, one thing I HATE about my overexercise is how much time it takes out of my day that I could spend working.  I do great with productivity, have always gotten top grades, etc, but I know I'm not maximizing what I actually *could* do if I didn't waste X hours every day burning calories that don't need gotten rid of.

Another career-related accountability factor: I go to a few conferences every year, and later this year will be interviewing for PhD positions.  I need to look reasonably healthy, I need to be on top of my mental game, I need to have enough of  a handle on food to appear comfortable in public eating situations.  I need to look like someone that is up to the job of managing and executing a project involving tens of thousands of dollars and heavy travel. I remember one time, early in my recovery, when H., my therapist at the time, was talking to me about an upcoming conference I was attending.  She said "People are going to look at you and know you have some problem, what are you going to do to handle that?"  Kind of a blunt, Tiger Mother comment (see Hiker RD's great post on Tigering in therapy), but it has stuck with me and it did definitely influence my subsequent behavior.

I'm afraid I risk sounding shallow with this one: I want my boyfriend to find me attractive.  M. has told me outright that he liked my figure better when I weighed more (he didn't say this critically or to make me feel bad about myself now, by the way, we were just having an honest conversation about image issues).  Now that he has moved 600 miles away for grad school, I only see him for one long weekend (4-5 days) a month.  Wanting to be healthy enough to be happy and engaged (NOT in the marital sense, don't get the wrong idea!) with him, and, to be very honest, wanting to have a little bit of junk in my trunk for him, has definitely been a way for me to handle sticking to my meal plan every day and adding back some of the weight I have dropped on recent research trips.  Now I don't mean to sound unfeminist.  I don't typically make decisions based on what men think, and am almost pathologically independent.  And M. is not appearance focused or shallow, it's not that I'm afraid of losing him if my figure isn't pleasing.  But with all honestly, it feels good to feel hott sometimes.

I'm afraid I risk sounding silly with this one, but I'm being honest here: being a good owner to my dog.  I would imagine this is a microcosm of what it's like for people with children.  He is ultra-attached to me.. He was abused before I adopted him, and has major abandonment issues.  Also, when I'm not doing well with the ED, I am grumpy, temperamental, and constantly occupied, stressed, and rushing.  Much less time for pre-bedtime belly rubs, much more likely slam things, get frustrated, etc, which stress him out even if they're not aimed at him. Not to mention that he would get much less enrichment if I wasn't healthy enough to walk him enough, or if I was so withdrawn and antisocial that he didn't get to go on outings with me or meet as many people.  I'm not one of those people that totally personifies/infantilizes their pets, but G. is indeed very important to me.

So, share with me: What keeps you accountable?  Either inside or outside therapy.  I'm really interested to hear about other people's motivators and raisons d'etre of recovery.


A few updates from this week:

• I got an out-of-the blue e-mail from someone I worked for when I was in high school, and it meant a lot to me.  She recently joined Facebook and was just commenting on the things I've done over the past few years.  I did discuss my ED a bit with her while I worked for her, and she has never dealt with the issue but was definitely supportive and tried to be understanding.  It touched me that she thought to look me up after over 5 years have passed.

• Yesterday, for various reasons, I missed a workout that representing 25% of my total daily exercise time.  I partially compensated by doing a bit of yoga later, but for less than half of the time that workout would have been.  And I did nothing else, foodwise or exercisewise, to compensate.  Score?

• I am so ready for winter to be over.  Anyone else want to stage a protest?  Or stow away to the equator with me in a couple of weeks? ;p

Love y'all!