Irene Weekend

Well, I spent the weekend being hurricaned and have a ton to catch up on, but fyi I had plenty of adventures to report to you soon, including but not exclusively: storm prepping and evacuating home,  yelling at a hotel manager for accidentally making me accidentally call a sex chat line, having to have a maintenance man break into my room by coming through the AC vent, successfully smuggling G. into fitness room with me, getting locked out AGAIN this morning and G. making a spectacle of himself in lobby.

I don't think I've ever been glad for a weekend to be over before...but this one might set a precedent!

On This Day...

On this day two years ago....

I met the best friend I've ever had.

And I'm glad that, despite my caveat in the original post, I got a best friend and a romance out of the whole dea. I really do think this relationship has helped me to grow in many ways, break down some barriers, and finally let myself "just live" more than I ever did before.

 Just felt significant enough to mention.

Eve Ensler gives a TED Talk

If any of you haven't read Eve Ensler's The Good Body, I found it to be pretty eye-opening and empowering.  It offers acknowledgment/commiseration about all of the pressures on women for their bodies to conform to an impossible ideal, and offers encouragement about actually being able to accept and appreciate your body for what it is.

The video below really touches on how our dissatisfaction with our bodies can symbolize so much more than just ab envy.  I especially liked this one because I have a high interest in international development issues, and the Congo crisis is discussed.  Yes, she can be a bit dramatic, but considering her subject material...

Eve Ensler gives a TED talk:

Also, if you ever have a chance to see The Vagina Monologues on stage, I HIGHLY recommend it (Match actually saw it with me one time, he's a good sport).  See it again and again; there are tons of skits to choose from for a given theater company to perform, so no two productions of it are the same.  Again, very empowering.

Reality Jolt of the Week

New addition to the archive of awkward conversations:

The other day Match mentioned he'd looked up some info on eating disorders and was disheartened about how prevalent they are, and mentioned how impossible it must be to be an actress or model without some degree of image/body issue.

It was the same day as my therapy appointment, so I figured maybe that was why he'd been looking up ED stuff.  When I asked him later, though, he just said it was for background in a client at work.  I asked if she was an ED patient, and he said no.  He was being sort of uncharacteristically obtuse about the whole thing, so of course I pushed for more information.

He said that he had to look up anorexia as a "differential diagnosis" for the lady, which means you list every possible problem that could have caused someone's condition, and the go through process of elimination, based on the details of the case, to (hopefully) narrow it down to the correct diagnosis.

And what was this lady's condition? Dementia with associated brain atrophy.  

It is definitely an eye-opener, or a guess reminder that when you're mistreating your body, you're not just starving your ass or your thighs or your belly, but your brain and organs and everything else as well, and the effects may last for a long time.

I guess he was reluctant to go into specifics because he didn't want me to be worried/sad/embarrassed.

But, as much worry and anxiety as I seem unable to shake much of the time (calorie counts, exercise times, perfectionist tics by the dozen), I probably have been a lot better off in the long run if I'd worried more the right things all along.

A Little Bit of Honesty Goes a Long Way

So last night was my first therapy visit since early June. If you recall, the last session didn't go so well.

I was pretty ambivalent about seeing her yesterday, to be honest.  I used to get stressed and tense when seeing someone who was still pretty new, but I think I'm over that at this point.  I guess a lot of that therapy anxiety was over anticipation of facing huge overhauls of my routines and the disorder I was clinging to so tightly...but over the course of over a decade and several therapists, I have learned that it usually doesn't work like that, for better or (more likely) worse.

Anyway, I felt like there was a bit of a breakthrough in connecting with her last night.  She actually volunteered the information that she had an ED in the past and talked a bit about some of the anxieties she'd had that were the same as mine (specifically the stomach consciousness and the compliment issue with boyfriends).  It kind of surprised me that she offered that up without even being asked, but at the same time it made me feel a lot more at ease with her. I think knowing someone has gone through the same disease or hardship as you is an instant bonding mechanism (one of the factors that plays into the recovery blog community, or at least it seems so to me).

  In the past, I've asked my therapists if they've had an ED, but only after at least 10 or so sessions.  I never necessarily need to know details, I just want to know yes or no, because I do wonder. Although I would never really fault them for not answering.  (Just for the record, the two I've asked before, H. said no but her mother had one, and the other, the MSW I saw my first year of grad school, said yes she had had one).

Now I'm not saying this disclosure is the best situation for everyone.  Actually the last therapist I saw when I lived here, the one I broke up with last year, was a good example of handling the whole thing badly.  After she'd confirmed she had an ED history, she was constantly injecting stories about her ED and treatment that sometimes weren't all that relevant and often seemed a bit competitive.  It did not feel healthy and I didn't stick around.

But I felt like T. (the initial for the newest therapist) did it really well yesterday, and I appreciated it a lot.  She looks super healthy (and I don't mean that in a skinny-but-not-quite-emaciated sense of healthy that is tempting to shoot for in recovery, I mean she has shape and it looks good on her and looks like she's probably smack in the middle of the healthy range for her height) and I really couldn't guess beforehand whether I thought she had one or not.  I try not to speculate about people, but that's hard to resist sometimes.

So question d'jour: have you ever had a therapist bring up her (or his) own ED history, did you ask about it or did they volunteer, how did that make you feel and/or affect subsequent sessions?  Again, I'm not at all saying it's right for all situations, and I'm curious to see what your thoughts are.

Anyway, the upshot of all of that is I think I'm starting to come out of my shell with T. at this point. I was pretty close to just not going back, since my mood has been a lot better lately and I've got the standard complacency about ED behaviors.  But I know that even though I'm getting along and functioning, and even though my numbin depression from earlier this year seems to have lifted, my life is still pretty much dictated by my ED behaviors.  Complacency is a hard nut to crack, and I know I'm very guilty of it, but I don't want to give up just yet.

Compliment Conundrum

I'm back from August's Match weekend, a bit on Cloud 9 as usual after I get to spend time with my boy.  We had been bickering and tense leading up to the trip, so I was a bit nervous, but we always end up reconnecting and bonding more closely than ever.  I think that after we've gone for about a month without seeing each other, we both tend to just get a bit cranky with the world, but we get over it as soon as we're together.  We celebrated our 2nd anniversary this month. It's hard to believe it's been that long now; time has flown! Usually when I'm around people I have a very specific amount of time set to spend with them and, even if I enjoy them, am glad to get back to my own space and routines.  With him, no amount of time is ever enough.  Okay I won't get too much into mushies on you, sorry.

I think I did okay with eating, not ideal some days but then really well others. Same ole same ole, I guess.  I let myself splurge and had a nice dinner a couple of cocktails the night we had our anniversary outing.  Earlier that day we did a nice long river hike and had a picnic lunch, and it just felt so, so wonderful to feel *normal.*  I wish I could bottle that and spray it all over myself on difficult days.

I have one problem that may get some eye-rolls for not being a real problem, but hear me out.  Match is very sweet and aware that I'm constantly body conscious/anxious, and so he tends to shower compliments on me: he'll tell me all the time that I'm pretty, I look nice in X, he loves X about my body, etc etc.  All of this is nice, and I won't claim that the constant positive reinforcement doesn't boost my confidence a little bit.

But in other ways, it spikes my anxiety. The main line of thought is that if likes me as I am now, I'm screwed if anything changes.  He likes this body that is a product of my current regimen, but if I relax that like I'm supposed to, then what happens?  Intellectually, I know he's not shallow enough to care, but in practice it still freaks me out.

One thing that helps me out is to know that early in our relationship I was at my lifetime peak weight, and he did not seem in any way less attracted to me at that time. Quite the opposite in fact  And he's told me that.  And I know he was concerned when I slipped to my current weight range about a year ago, he did tell me he preferred my previous size.  So I don't think he's got a thing for underweight girls, I think he's just got a thing for me and wants to try to make me more confident without realizing how anxiety-inducing compliments can be sometimes.

I've sort of addressed this with him.  I've told him that it's really not helpful if he uses any kind of diminutive adjective (small, little, tiny, etc) to describe me, because that makes me very self-conscious, and he immediately ceased any of that (although he hadn't done that much to begin with).

Anyway, I guess the main point is that compliments can be mixed blessings sometimes.  Anyone else have troubles with handling compliments and worrying about their implications?

I visited with my family on the way back from the Match trip, and spontaneously stayed an extra night, something that would have been UNTHINKABLE not too long ago.  And I ate family dinner with them both nights, without fixing myself a special separate meal, also rare.  Had a great time visiting with my parents and brothers, who, I have to say, are turning into pretty cool guys. And best of all, I HAVE MY DOG BACK! It's the longest I've ever had to leave him for, and I'm so glad now that he's back with me where he belongs.

Due to all of my traveling this summer, I haven't seen the new therapist in almost 2 months (I don't even remember what pseudonymous initial I assigned her, need to go back and check).  I have my first fall appointment with her tomorrow night.  I'm feeling a bit ambivalent.  My mood has been really good lately and I am feeling strong about a lot of things in my life at the moment.  At the same time, I've made really no progress on changing up my daily routines and rules (especially the exercise) or putting on weight, and I know I have a lot of work left to do.

I went from a dry spell of not getting feedback from PhD inquiries to being so swamped with professor correspondence that it's been putting me back on other writing projects.  I think I have a job opportunity hovering that could be a great back up and possible foot in the door for the future, and some other professional good news has come in lately as well.

Anyway, speaking of all of that, I need to get back to real life and get some things done.  I hope everyone is having a great week, love y'all.




(EDIT: I am still catching up on blogs from being out of town and just noticed that Leslie over at Health Breaks Loose also has a recent post on accepting compliments, see it here)

Volume Issues

It was a fairly uneventful weekend, I guess.  I've got tons, tons, tons of work to do now that summer traveling is over.  This semester I'm writing my thesis, presenting research at a conference, applying to PhD programs, taking the GRE subject test for Biology, doing lab work and writing up a side project unrelated to my thesis, and studying for/taking oral exams to qualify for my degree.  Should have plenty to keep me out of trouble, I guess.  I only need to take one more class to complete my requirements, and I'm still on the fence about whether to take it in the fall or spring. There's one I really want this semester, but it'll probably keep me saner to wait until the spring and take a different one.

I've been way sleepy and am not sure why. I randomly took a nap from 4:30-6 yesterday, something UNHEARD of for me, and then was dozing off again by 10:00.  And I had actually slept in almost an hour later than normal that morning.  I did lift weights the day before, maybe my body is wanting a break to rebuild muscle or something; I always napped during growth spurts when I was a kid. I am 99.9% sure this will never happen to me, but has anyone that recovered in their mid-20s or later actually grown height-wise as a result?  I am already taller than all the women on my mother's side of the family (a bit shorter than the women on my biological father's side), but I often wonder how my height was affected by going rock-bottom with anorexia during my final growth spurt at age 13.

I've been a good girl about getting back on track with eating since I've been here.  One eye-opener for me about how much I'd actually been restricting was the first time I cooked a "typical for at home" lunch for myself, and less than halfway into it I was seriously afraid my stomach was about to burst open because it wasn't used to handling that volume of food anymore. I literally had to sit for over 30 minutes before doing anything because I was afraid if I moved too much I'd throw up. Kind of frustrating.

Given all of that, my weight had only dropped a bit on the trip, probably somewhat from dehydration also, and is already back to pre-trip norm.  That's fine with me.

Back to the stomach-bursting issue, I sort of bring that on myself by still clinging to a couple of EDish behaviors: volumetric food choices and veggie-loading.  I can fit ridiculous volumes of food into a "calorie budget," so that what seems like huge servings can actually still only marginally meet my requirements.  Not something I'm proud of, but a habit I'm aware of the need to scale back on.  

It's also expensive, have you been in a grocery store lately? My food budget would plummet if I wasn't eating pounds of produce every day.  One caveat is that I've *always* been a fruit/veggie vacuum, as a kid, so I don't even always think of it disorderedly, even though I know that that is an underlying factor in my menu planning, of course.

I also still do things like picking up fat-free dairy products and light bread (although not always, have substantial bread and light stuff in my kitchen, the rules on what gets eaten when are too complex and inane/insane to really warrant explanation here). It's not because I don't want/need/allow as many calories as the full versions, it's just that I'm still in the deprived mindset of automatically choosing what gives me the most volume for a given amount of calories, so if I can eat 3 fat free yogurts for the calories of a full fat one, that's what I do, and something I need to change. It's not a "fat fear" issue, I know my body and brain need fat and that's not scary to me, it's more just a calorie tally game.

Of course I'm aware a lot of the serving sizes and nutrition facts are mind games and your stomach often isn't fooled by volume.  If a piece of bread or bowl of cereal has half the calories of an alternative version, chances are it weighs a lot less too, and by the time your stomach breaks it down and gets rid of the air and whatever else, you're still only half as full.  I've found the same thing with fruit: most fruits give me something to munch on but never actually fill me up, because my body is still always craving fat and protein.  And when I do treat myself to something full-version, I am AMAZED at how much better it tastes and more satisfying it is overall.  I <3 Ben & Jerry's, and I DON'T mean their fro-yo flavors. Other full version things I don't compromise on are things like peanut butter, avocados, dark chocolate, etc etc. Eden recently had a good post on that issue.

This got a bit rambly.  My main point was that now I eat enough calories in a day that I can still have good portions with non-trimmed/skimmed/scammed products, and I need to kick myself in the ass and realize that.  I hope this post isn't too behavior-y, I always worry about talking about specific habits, but I thought it might be an issue that a lot of people have but that may be more problematic than they sometimes realize.

It doesn't seem like a big deal when I'm by myself, but when I eat with other people it is pretty much impossible for me to get all the calories I need without eating way more food and taking several times as long for a meal as the people around me, which means I vastly undercut my energy intake in those situations.  If I just had a sandwich instead of the chicken salad with various fruit/veggies sides, the whole thing would be easier, but things can never be easy, it seems.  And I have nothing against sandwiches, I make them all the time at home, good substantial ones (my pumpkin/peanut butter waffle sandwiches will change your life), but I get self-conscious about eating things like that in front of others.  Add it to the interminable List of Things to Work On, I guess.

Oh I was a bit off when I said summer traveling is over: I'm driving up for the August Match visit on Wednesday! Miss my boy a lot, we haven't seen each other since the first week of July.  I'm also picking up my precious G., who has been staying with my parents since early June.  We won't tell Match which one of them I'm most excited about seeing... ;p

I hope everyone's week is off to a great start, love y'all!