Food and Mood

I will start out with some positives: The first 2/3 or so of today was actually really good.  I am aware that I really need to keep myself busy in order to keep from severing my last thread of sanity, so found a local community service group on Meetup.com.  Today was my first time trying it out: I spent the afternoon volunteering at the food bank downtown (yes, maybe the food bank venue is a bit ironic, but it was the soonest available volunteer event).

I felt a little bit like the new kid, but I actually love meeting new people, and all of the other volunteers were very friendly.  My job was to check people in at the front desk: pulling up their accounts on the computer, logging the services they were getting that day, checking for updates on their household status, food stamps, etc, and giving them passes for their food boxes.  I REALLY loved that job because it meant I literally got to talk to everyone that came in for help.  As reclusive and independent as I can be, I do like talking to people and know I'm fairly good at it.

Also, I liked the service aspect of it.  There were some people that were obviously feeling very humbled and consipicuous coming in for food aid, and it was important to me that they be treated respectfully and professionally.  I doubt some of those jobless and/or homeless men had been called Mr. X or "Sir" in a while, and you can see just a little bit of respect change someone's demeanor in a big way. Ditto if you complement a mother on how pretty her baby is, mention that you have the same birthday, commiserate about how hot it is outside, etc.

 I guess maybe, from an opposite side of the spectrum (please don't think I'm comparing having an ED to being homeless!), I have a sense of what it feels like to be thought of as An Issue, and how pivotal it can be to be reminded that you're actually seen as a Person no matter what your circumstances or problems are.

So anyway, I left downtown feeling better than I have since Match left and I got back from visiting my family, I'm looking forward to doing more stuff with that group.

One downside to that whole thing was that it mean I had lunch almost 3 hours later than usual (my fault for choosing the postponed meal over eating an hour early, I don't claim to be logical, although I truly wasn't hungry before I left home).  I had planned ahead what I would have when I got in this afternoon, but I still managed to freak out over a few small blips in that plan and to get frustrated and lose my cool unnecessarily over small things, sending poor G. scurrying under the kitchen table in bomb shelter mode.  That hasn't happened to me in a while, because I've been so home-based with my work that it's been a long time since I got that off schedule with my eating.  WOW does it do bad things to my emotional stability.  I used to get like that often, this was just an unpleasant booster lesson on how it really is important to keep your blood sugar and all that up in order to avoid going nuclear sometimes.

I started on a good note but have to end on a sad one: my family's beloved dog of 14 years died today.  He was a sweet, funny, incredibly loving pet, and he'll be very missed.  The family had been talking about it and we knew it needed to be done very soon, but my dad took him in today without telling ANYONE it would be this morning.  I know it was the kindest thing that could've been done for the dog, but I wish it had been handled in a way that was less traumatic for my brothers, who just had to come home from school and find him gone.

Less than one week til my first appointment with the new therapist.  More on that later, starting to have mixed feelings but am not going to let myself back out before I even try her.

Indexed and Bikinis

I'm a big fan of Jessica Hagy's blog, Indexed, and last week there were several in the span of just a couple days that struck me as being relevant to ED recovery:

In other relevant linkages, the New York Times had a piece about "bikini season" and the accompanying social pressures that had some good insights about how we use our appearance in swimsuits as a sort of index of self-worth, and it also has some good points about how body ideals have changed over time.

Laugh So It Isn't Sad!

I know that diseases and disorders are no laughing matter, but sometimes you just have to choose to see the black humor in certain situations.  You can either laugh or cry, so you might as well own the issue and laugh instead of letting it get you down even more (see here for a post with an example and links to others from this blog, this one is my personal favorite).

Example: My very dear grandmother is losing more and more of her memory.  They've ruled out Alzheimer's with various scans and tests, but that leaves the big D word, dementia, dangling over everyone's heads.  Still, if that's in the future it is still not a huge issue yet; she does really well relative to lots of other 78 year olds, but she is just getting forgetful more and more often.

Last week, a few days before I got to my grandparent's house, my grandmother listed what she was making for dinner and asked my mom if I would eat that.  My mom said it sounded fine, but I wouldn't be there til the weekend.  Grandma said oh, okay, she would save it for then.  The next day, she did the same thing, and mom told her no, Cammy wouldn't be there for another 3 days.  And then they were at the grocery store, and Grandma made 3 passes through the bread aisle and put a new loaf of the same bread in her basket each time, because she knew it was my favorite but didn't remember picking it up a few minutes before.  And then they repeated the "Will Cammy eat this?"...."Yes but Cammy isn't coming tonight, she's coming on Saturday" exchange again that night.

My mom told me all of this on the phone, and the first thing that came into my head to reply with was "So Grandma can't remember what day of the week it is or what she just put in her shopping cart, but apparently the fact that Cammy is a bitch about food is ingrained forever!"  There was a pause, and then we both cracked up, because she couldn't honestly tell me it wasn't true. LMAO.

Anyway, I don't think either dementia or anorexia are funny and her condition concerns me greatly, but honestly sometimes you have to give the tears a break and just choose to be in control enough to see the humor.

Any examples from your own lives?

Travel Weary

I'm back in town, 1450 miles, many Starbucks, and a couple of audiobooks later.  I had a good visit with my grandparents and mom, and G. was a great road buddy, as always.  It can be a bit weird to be back in the town where I went to high school, a lot of memories, some good and some not.  I love that part of the country a lot more than where I currently live.

Eating always goes very poorly at my grandmother's house, she just tries so hard to make it easy that she makes it way hard, if that makes sense.  She's very attuned to my pickiness and stresses herself out to make things that I'll eat, but often messes up and also watches me like a hawk to see everything I put in my mouth.  Plus, a cousin that is staying with them is "on a diet" and is superobnoxious about food all the time.  Fun stuff! My mom--who has nevernever had an ED and has a very healthy approach to food--even tries to avoid meals at their house because it's just so stressful.

So all of that made me pretty ready to come home to my own space and routines, but it was bittersweet because I am also coming home to being very alone.

I did get an appointment with a new therapist, although she couldn't fit me in for another two weeks.  I have traded some messages with H., though.  Mostly to request my treatment record for the new therapist, but just being in contact with her also been a nice reminder that I actually did tackle this, starting from a much weaker position, in the past, and I can do it the fuck again if I put my mind to it.

So the main goal for the rest of the week, I guess, is to get back in the saddle with eating, which deteriorates a lot when I'm traveling.  According to my grandparent's scale this morning (the balance kind they use in doctor's offices, not a digital one) I'm the lowest weight I have been in a while, although some of that could've been dehydration. Not happy with that and truly am going to rev back up to meet meal plan tomorrow. I've also got some writing and work to catch up on, the usual.  Really making an effort to keep myself busy in order to stave off the boredom/isolation/apathy until things pick back up again here for fall semester.

I am WAY behind on blogs but will be working on catching up, love y'all!

Away Visiting

So just a quick update.  Match Week was fantastic as usual.  I was pretty antsy and insecure going into this one, but feel a ton better on that front now. He actually ended up staying an extra day, so we just parted ways this morning.

I told M. about looking in to starting therapy again, and he was really supportive and also relieved.  I think it's been weighing on his mind that he's been the only person (in real life) that really knows how much I'm struggling right now (and I don't even get into all the details with him).  He's also worried that the depression component is becoming more of an issue, which I tend to agree with.  Anyway, he is in psychology as well, and he was pretty cute about checking out the therapist I picked out; he looked at where she went to school, who she studied with, what papers she's had published, etc etc.  He wasn't being bossy or controlling about the choice of course, was just showing that he was interested in me having someone that's top notch.

I decided I needed some family time, since nothing is going on for me academically right now and I don't really have anyone in my city, so my G. and I got on the road and am visiting my grandparents for a couple of days. My mom is also visiting here this week, so there's even more bang for my buck on the visit.

I'll have way more in depth updates soon.  I'm behind on blogs, of course, but am hoping to catch up soon.  Hope everyone is having a good weekend, love y'all!

In Which Murphy's Law Tortures My Match

So today was supposed to be Match Day, and I really, really needed a good dose of my bf/bff this month.....but his trip down quickly digressed into a comedy of errors.

9 AM: Match leaves his Mom's house (it's about 1/3 of the way between his house and mine, he made a stopover to visit family for a couple of nights on his way here). He is driving his dad's truck with a washer and dryer in the back, special delivery for yours truly, since my new place didn't come with a set.

10:30: Match notices oil pressure gauge is going haywire. He calls his dad, who tells him that the sensor is probably just loose.

11:30 Truck still acting up, he passes a little oil change/brakes shop that doesn't look busy and decides to stop in and get it checked out while he grabs something to eat.

12:30 News comes that the oil pump needs replaced.  But the little shop won't do it and no place that can is open on a Sunday. He and his dad start calling every garage in the area, but no luck.

2:00  Mechanic tells him that it "could go another 10,000 miles, or just 3, dunno, it'll die at some point but no way to tell when."  Match was about 450 miles from me, and decided to just test his luck and push on.

2:20 Match leaves garage in truck

2:45 Truck dies. Dead, kaput, not going another inch.

3:00 It is decided that Match's dad will drive (3 hours) Match's car to him, and a friend with a tow truck will follow and tow the broken truck (still laden with washer and dryer) back also.

4:30 Dad and friend finally depart, due to unspecified delays/inefficiencies.

6:00 Torrential downpour, Match gets soaked all the way through.  I am still not clear on why he didn't just shelter in the cab of the truck; it did not seem a prudent time to criticize his poor survival instincts. It appears that Murphy's Law had zeroed in on poor Match today, the guy couldn't catch a break.

7:30 Dad and friend arrive, load broken truck onto tow trailer, take Match to gas station to change into something dry and get food, since he hasn't eaten since a candy bar at little car shop around 11:30.

8:00 Match finally on the road for another 6-7 hours of driving to get here. Oh and his iPod had died while he was waiting on the side of the interstate for almost 5 hours, so he has nothing to listen to during those 6-7 hours besides patchy country radio stations in all the Middle of Nowhere stretches of road he has to go through.

My poor Match!!! Will be so glad when he's finally here.  Things have been tensing up again the past week or two, but I think it's mostly because he was in the drudge of finals and some other high-stress things. And I haven't exactly been on top of my game emotionally. Happens sometimes, but it really got to me this month, with everything else that's been going on.  A little bit of reconnection time goes a long way, though, thinking it will be a good week.


Oh and I got an e-mail back from one of the psychologists I e-mailed (I found 3 that looked worth sending inquiries to), may have something set up with her within the next couple of weeks.

Thanks to everyone for the awesome support recently.  I hope everyone has a great week, love y'all.

Courage

As y'all know, I have a "recovery soundtrack" that I started as a therapy assignment years ago and have kept adding to ever since.  As a quick Friday goody, I thought I'd share my latest addition:




Key lyrics:

Courage is when you're afraid, 

But you keep on moving anyway 

Courage is when you're in pain, 

But you keep on living anyway 

We all have excuses why 

Living in fear something in us dies 

Like a bird with broken wings 

It's not how high he flies, 

But the song he sings 

I didn't feel very courageous today.  I spent a good chunk of it crying, actually, trying to figure out how my life has started to feel so meaningless all the time. I have no idea why I feel so low or how to pull myself up.  So I bit the bullet and found a local ED specialist through my insurance company's database, e-mailed her to see if she's taking new patients. If my insurance covers part of it, my family might be able to help me with the rest. I want this to stop.