Home Stretch

So, I've been kind of at a loss for updateage lately. Lots of stuff on my mind lately, but I still haven't felt like I had much to say. I feel like I'm on the home stretch of this phase of my life, which is sort of still sinking in.

I'm in the process of packing up my apartment. This probably doesn't come as much of a shock to you, but I sometimes have trouble pacing myself. I look around, see everything left to be done, and go into a frenzy of work for several hours that leaves me completely sapped. And then I work out.

I did get a bit of a vacation last week: Match and I went up to my family's cabin in the mountains to do some hiking and just chill for a couple of days. Then we met up with the amazing Tiptoe (blog crossover alert!), because she's keeping my precious G. while I'm out of the country next month. I am VERY picky about who I leave my sidekick with, enough to drive through 2 states to deliver him to someone I trust. I'm super sad and lonely to be back here without him, even though I know he's in excellent hands.

So leaving G. for a while is one transition, preparing to move out of this apartment is another. I'm actually SUPER excited to be leaving this forsaken town (I'll be moving to a new place when I return from fieldwork, long story for another post), although I do really like this apartment, best one I've had since I moved out on my own 5 years ago.

Also, not only am I not returning to this town, but Match is moving to start grad school a few days after I leave, when I get back we'll be living 11 hours apart. We'll see how that goes. Right now just trying to focus on enjoying the time I have with him.

I have my final Final session with C. tomorrow. At this point I'm so apathetic that I don't see much point in it, and am pretty unmotivated to try very hard considering any patterns I establish now will be tossed out the window when I flee the country next week. Trying to keep in mind that I REALLY need to be strong and healthy to get my work done, though, camping in the tropics is no time to voluntarily weaken yourself.

Ok, more soon, love y'all.

Symmetrical but Not Balanced

From the June 22 Indexed post:

Ending Therapy

So today's attempt to terminate therapy was partly successful although wasn't as clean cut as I wanted. I'm kind of a nonconfrontational chicken sometimes. Anyway, I have one last appointment with C next week to "wrap up."

And talking to both C and D today really just made me feel lonely and misunderstood. Misunderstood even by myself.

Knee Diagnosis

So, I saw the sports med doctor today. He was HOT, btw, although after talking to him for a couple of minutes I failed to be impressed.

Anyway, they x-rayed my knees and ankles. That didn't show soft tissue, obviously, so I didn't learn anything about the state of my cartilage, but the doc didn't seem concerned about that when I asked. After being poked and palpated and rotated for a while, he told me that I have iliotibial band syndrome (aka "runner's knee") in one leg and patellar tendinitis (aka "jumper's knee") in the other one. My, aren't I versatile.

So it looks like they won't have to amputate. The dx wasn't the most joyful news ever, but it's a relief to know that I'm not walking around with a partially torn ACL or something BUT to also be validated that the pain is real and has an actual cause. I mentioned my AN history but he didn't ask any questions about my current exercise and even said that I shouldn't have to feel like I have to give up running forever. I think he lacks ED experience, however, I would have loved to see C's face when he was telling me about how great it would be for me to run again once the tendons are calmed down....lol.

He told me to take Aleve as an anti-inflammatory and to do some specific stretching and strengthening exercises. Wait, the cure is to work out? That I can do....

Ok I jest, the movements aren't anything intense and won't tax my daily energy balance, I assure you.

Anyway, that's the news on that front.

Transitions Ahead

Well hello lovelies. I've been conferencing and traveling (fell in LOVE with a new state I didn't expect to like so much), but now I'm home and working on catching up with reading/commenting on blogs. I'm in the home stretch here: 2 weeks before I leave for my first official season of field work in Tropical Country, during which time I need to pack up and move out of my apartment.

Good new: leg joint pain improved greatly while I was gone! I actually did a good bit of walking and stair climbing while I was at the meeting, too. I think the recumbent bike is the main culprit for my knee woes. Yesterday was my first day back at that, and already the pain is creeping back in. Glad I was able to at least isolate the source. Biking is great for being low impact, but if done obsessively I guess the constant rotation can wear your parts out. I see the sports med doctor on Monday for an official assessment.

Eating was ok at the meeting, not perfect but not as bad as it could have been. I am always fascinated by my complete and total loss of appetite at high elevations. I've noticed it every time I've been in a place above about 6000 feet for more than 24 hours. That phenomenon (which is actually mentioned in some military training manuals, I swear it's legit) played a role in my big relapse the summer after my sophomore year of college. Anyway, I'm aware of it and am used to making myself eat when I don't necessarily want to, but it's still really interesting to see some food (donuts, cookies, sandwiches, fruit, take your pick) and instead of debating whether I "can" have it based on numbers, feeling like I wouldn't really want it even if it were calorie-free. Weird. And VERY tempting to take advantage of, although I tried not to.

To be honest I've been having some slippage, though. For the two days since I left the conference I've slashed calories for no tangible reason despite picking back up with normal exercise, and it's starting to make me feel run down. Well, unless you count feeling huge as being a tangible reason. Being disgusted with the mirror. Feels pretty damn tangible to me albeit not directly quantifiable. Yet there is the dissonance of this with the scale, which has gone down over the last week, yet I still can't stand to look at myself because I hate what I see. Blah.

And I know this next item probably will raise red flags for some people but I do think it's a decent decision: I think I'm terminating my current treatment this coming week. It's just not working. Way back in the fall I thought about quitting C but decided to stick with it, but I think I should have paid attention to my intuition that we weren't a good match.

Quitting now isn't even all that drastic, since I'm soon leaving for a month and am moving to a different city when I get back. This is a long story, but basically I'm taking this next year off of classes to do fieldwork, and will be staying with my parents the 2/3 of the time I'm not in the tropics (moving back in with the fam is a topic for its own post, but not that it is NOT for medical reasons, purely for financial convenience). It's a 4 hour drive from my university, so I'd planned to come down here and stay a night or two each week for meetings, etc, and was going to continue sessions with C and D on those visits. But now I really just don't feel like I'm getting support, validation, or good advice that I need. It's just not worth the time or the money for me. D is good, but we're at the point where I feel like it's just the same rehash every week. C is all over the place and has no consistent angle of approach or continuity of theme, and tends to make big assumptions about me that are often inaccurate. My request for a joint session with C and D was blown off. C tells me to e-mail her if I need a boost between sessions, and acts all concerned and assiduous in helping me, but invariably fails to respond on the rare occasions that I do that. I know that I sound like I'm just whining and that therapy is also much about my attitude in addition to the treatment team, but I am totally sincere when I say that I wanted this to work. Believe me, I've been that uncooperative brat with my arms crossed and my knees bouncing, staring at the clock and giving monosyllabic answers. Been there, done that, gotten myself fired by a couple of therapists, until midway through college when I realized that this shit needs to be beaten, and it won't happen passively. I did go into this wanting it to work.

Notice that I said terminating *current* treatment. I have no illusions that this problem is under control and know that I do need to keep working on it. I'll probably explore options in my new area after I move in August.

I miss H. A lot.

A few more life transitions coming up, but I think this post is long enough.

Dispatch from the Other Side of the Country

Hey, this update will be brief because I've been up since 3 AM. Changing time zones sucks!

Trip got off to a bit of a rocky start because they left my bags behind at a layover and I didn't get them until about 24 hours after I got here. Luckily I had a friend with a rental car that could take me to Wal-Mart for essentials. My suitcase also had all my backup food, but that turned out to not be a big issue because the food court here (part of the conference is a free ticket to eat there for bfast and lunch) actually has decent options.

So yesterday I got in about 1/2 my daily workout before I left home, and then spent a ton of time walking around airports. And still cut some calories, but did decently overall. Today I had FULL calories despite the fact that my only exercise was walking around campus (and not superfluous walking. It was 40 damn degrees here today, with freezing rain, and my umbrella and warm clothes were in my suitcase). I told myself it was to make up for cutting despite a lot of energy output yesterday, but I am FREAKING OUT and feeling disgusting. And, to be completely honest, all that was on my mind this evening was ways to cut tomorrow to make up for it.

BUT this is an awesome meeting and tomorrow is the most important part for me, the day when the sessions most relevant to my research are being held AND when I'll be giving my own presentation. Feeling like I don't have the option to punish myself just pisses me off more, does that make any sense at all?

Ok don't know how positive this post is. Been doing awesome so far with eating but feeling bad about it. Knees are already responding to lessened workouts, I think, which is awesome! Still pain but seems to be reducing.

I'm in a jet-lagged/caffeinated state that means I'm too jittery to relax but not focused enough to accomplish much. Blah.

But to end on a positive note, I love my job and I love being in this field of study and meeting these people and getting new ideas. This trip is stressful but it IS worth it. Today I had breakfast with one of the researchers that wrote the book I had in my backpack on the plane. On nerd cloud 9, my friends!!!

Bullet Points of the Day

Well hello my loves. I am totally beat tonight, so this will got in brief note form:

-It is after 9 PM and I have not exercised at ALL today. I drove up yesterday to drop G at my parent's house, then had to leave at 5 AM to make some business meetings that took all day, and had a 5 hour drive home.

-I violated all of my usual instincts/inclinations and saw my doctor yesterday. Mostly to get a referral for a sports medicine clinic. She did an exam, though, and said it doesn't feel like arthritis, which is a huge relief. I was concerned about that, because I know I already have a touch of osteoarth in my back (although I have no pain from it, yet). She suspects tendons. Dunno what the issue is but want it to STOP. She didn't do anything to my ankles, although they've been really bothering me too. Can they catch tendonitis from my knees? Is it just going to leak all over my body or will gravity keep it confined to my lower limbs? Getting old is so undignified.

-I see the sports orthopedist a week from Monday.

-In the meantime, tomorrow morning I'm leaving for a trip to somewhere 2 time zones away for a professional meeting. I won't be back til next Thursday. It involves a travel day, 4 meeting days, a sight seeing day, and another travel day. So my mobility (except on travel days) will be way restricted compared to my normal, hoping this will force me to heal some. If my brain doesn't spontaneously combust* first. I'll have roommates, but they're randomly assigned. I'll be in a dorm, not a hotel, so no workout room, and it will be cold so little chance to be outside (I'm have a delicate Southern Belle thermoregulatory system).

-I miss my dog.

-Cancelled therapy yesterday. I am just underwhelmed by it right now. Also, my therapist makes a big deal about being supportive outside of sessions (she gave me her number and e-mail to send messages if I need), but rarely actually answers. This happened earlier this week. Confession: secretly, I'm glad when she doesn't answer because it reaffirms my ambivalence.

-I spent most of the day as the only woman in a room full of skeptical/good ole boysey type men trying to defend a project I'm developing as not only well designed but intellectually meritorious, relevant to larger issues, and worth their time and money. They crossed their arms and spread their legs and played with their pens and alternated between staring me down and staring into space. Why is it so intimidating to be in front of a group that resembles a pack of fidgety fourth graders? Holy sweat bullets, I am drained. But it was all worth it when, at the end, one of them said "Well obviously you've got this nailed down, we're in."

-I must pack!!! And get some token yet admittedly insignificant workout time in so I don't go nuts. And sleep at some point.

-Not sure what my internet situation will be like while I'm there, battery on laptop has kicked the bucket. But I'll be able to keep up with comments via my phone. I love y'all and hope you have a great weekend!

*(Why is blogger's spellchecker telling me "combust" is not a word??? I am right! Right?).