Eating Disorder Links for Boys and Men?

I was looking over my Google Analytics info for this blog today, and noticed an interesting trend: out of the top 10 keyword searches that lead people to BBBB, 4 of them involve the words "boy anorexic."  This is interesting and sad, because I know males are vastly overlooked in the ED literature and public awareness. I visit quite a few ED recovery blogs, and I can't think of one that is written by a male . . . if you know of a POSITIVE eating disorder recovery blog/website that shows a male perspective, please leave a comment with the link. I think it would be useful to try to help people connect to those if they are looking for support/insight for men or boys that are struggling.

Something Fishy has some good basic info, basically a validation that yes, men do have legitimate eating disorders.  Gurze also has a good page with some resources.  The SF page also quotes Arnold Andersen, who has apparently written several books focusing on male EDs that look worth checking out.  If you know of more good links/resources, put a comment in and we can start compiling a list!

Image Issues

Lately I have been doing a lot of pondering about identity and image. Pretty much everyone these days has some kind of cyber-image, whether it is a blog, Facebook, Twitter, a personal website, any number of other social networking sites, or all of the above. The neat thing about the internet is that you can craft your own image. You choose what pictures and information will represent you, and (to some degree) you choose who you will allow to see them.  You have the ability to filter yourself so that only the best is presented to the world.

When ED thoughts are in the equation, it's kind of complicated. Take Facebook, for example. I have both personal and professional contacts on FB, so I make an effort to keep my profile as clean (not that I have a bunch of lewd party pictures to hide) and uncontroversial as possible. That means no crazy pictures (again, not that I have any), no obnoxiously political or trivial status updates, etc. Sometimes I leave books off my iRead list if the titles are very obviously related to eating disorders or atheism. In spite of moderate censorship, do feel like I am genuine, though. I never add anything that isn't true, or try to craft any kind of false image. I just exercise the right keep a few personal details to myself, things that are really no one else's business but my own. People I trust and am close to will know those things anyway, and people who don't, well, they don't need to. In the real world I do not go blaring my private thoughts and issues to the public, and the cyberworld is the same.

Then comes the issue of pictures. I make a very conscious effort not to post any even semi-sick looking pictures. I just can't afford for my contacts to look at my photos and think there is something wrong with me. I make sure that I am sufficiently healthy (or sufficiently clothed to pass as ok), no big deal. But at the same time, there is always that disordered voice that wants the Skinny Pics on there. Especially since I have a lot of friends from high school and other people who know about my ED. Every time I add a picture, I wonder what they'll think when they see it. I weigh more than I did in high school, so does Friend X see the photo and think "Wow, she's porking up nicely, must have outgrown that ED thing"? And why does the it bother me that people might actually think I am well? I am friends with a few people I know through ED blogs, but to be quite honest that gives me occasional waves of anxiety (no offense to y'all! I promise the issue is me, not you), because I always feel like they will look at my pictures and think I am a fake, that there is no way I "really" have an ED, not if I look like that. I refuse to use numbers in blog posts, because I am terrified of triggering people, but part of me wants to scream "I promise I am underweight! This is legitimate, and I am dying to be taken seriously!"

Of course, that is bullshit.  Apologies for sounding incredibly shallow, just being honest about those default thoughts that run through my mind.  Objectivity, which I touched on in my last post, seems ever elusive. I know, know, know that you can't judge someone's ED status by her weight. Disordered thoughts are every bit as painful no matter where you are on the BMI charts. The body is not the issue, the mind is. Would I ever doubt that someone had a "legitimate" disorder based on their weight, or a picture that I saw online? No way in hell, and that is the absolute truth.

Going back to pictures, I also know I am a terrible judge of my own status when it comes to pictures.  I can look at pictures from years ago, when I know I didn't feel thin, and be shocked at how ill I look. Please, can that girl has a cheezburger?  Or I can see a shot from when I know my weight was low, and think I look completely normal.  I honestly don't know what from what when it comes to assessing myself.  By my stats, quantitatively I know that I can't be overweight, that I am in fact still significantly underweight.  But in current pictures, I am the bulkiest I have been in years, and it freaks me the hell out.  My face is fuller, my butt is bigger, my collarbones are less razor-like.  I don't feel like it's me.  As I discussed above, for image reasons I only let myself post "decent" pictures, and I am painfully aware of the ridiculousness of being embarrassed about looking healthy.  

Double standards seem to be such a big part of EDs. Other people deserve nurturing, other people can indulge sometimes, other people can take time to give their wellness priority. Other people are allowed to be unique, and to be proud of their individual brand of "normal."  Other people are beautiful when they are healthy.  Other people don't need a number tacked to their pain in order to validate it. 

When I grow up, I want to be an Other People.

Tribal Outcast

This weekend I read Natalie Angier's Woman: An Intimate Geography, and it has given me a lot to think about.

First of all, she is an amazing writer.  She can turn even the ooeyist-gooeyist of physiological processes into poetry.  I love her NY Times column.  I think her college degree was in chemistry, but she combines the incessant awe of a scientist with the soul of an author.  Woman is basically Femaledom 101, with everything you could possibly wonder about your body, and then some.  It is actually extremely empowering; pride saturates every word as Angier describes everything from X chromosomes and fallopian tubes to breast-feeding and psychological theories on matriarchy, all depicted as a rich tapestry of womanhood that is a legacy to be cherished with the utmost pride.  Being a female is painted as an exquisite privilege, a tribe with a rich cultural and physiological history that half the world's population is excluded from.

If you are a normal female, that is. Instead of being enthralled by her excellent prose and the mind-bendingly awesome science of our bodies, though, I got more and more depressed as I progressed through the book.  Beyond the basic double-deuce set of X chromosomes, there was little I could relate to.  She talked about the wonders of the ovaries, all the rites of womanhood, etc.  She spent three chapters on estrogen and all of its amazing qualities.  The theme of the book is all of these physiological processes that literally make us who we are--the hormones and other chemicals essential to sex differentiation affect the brain as well as the other organs.  What an astounding thing to be a part of.  I wonder what it's like.

I have never menstruated, my bones are equivalent to Jiffy Pop, I wear the same bra size that I did in the 7th grade, and I have little hope of ever reproducing.  And I can't whine about it, because I did it all to myself.  Every single day for almost a decade, I've woken up and chosen this path.  So why the sorrow at not being part of the in-crowd with the Sisterhood of the world?  You can't have it both ways, Cammy, you created this reality and have no right to pity yourself. If you throw away your key, you can't cry injustice when you come to a locked door.

  

But it still hurts.

And it's ironic, because I am in this position because I feel chained to thinness, and yet I don't feel thin.  I've undermined my health and kept myself in an unnatural physical state, and to what end?  Frankly, the cost-benefit analysis is roughly equivalent to that of putting your hand on a hot iron.

Don't get me wrong, I highly recommend the book, and I am trying to transmute my alienation into inspiration.  The book is an exultation of the way our bodies are supposed to work.  Angier explains the way we are formed while also celebrating the form itself.  It has really given me a lot to think about, and provides a reality check for anyone who thinks they can skate along at subclinical levels indefinitely. The debt will come due, and what will you have gotten in exchange? We all have bodies, whether we like it or not.  We may not be our bodies (or we may, this is philosophical issue beyond the scope of this post), but our lives would be much better if we'd respect our bodies for how they work instead of how they look, for what they do instead of what we can get away with doing to them.

EDIT: I just wanted to respond to something brought up in comments, that I should have been more sensitive about.  I do not want to imply in any way, shape, or form that I think people are to blame for their mental illnesses.  I whole-heartedly believe that EDs qualify as a true disease with many biological underpinnings.  When I read other accounts of EDs, I never think "Wow, she sure brought that on herself."  As I'm sure many of you understand, though, sometimes it is just difficult to apply that objectivity to our own situations, I guess by definition our own personal cases are subjective?  Anyway, I felt guilty that I may have come across as demeaning mental illnesses and just wanted to issue this disclaimer.  Thank you, as always, to commenters, for their insights and support.

Resignation Creeping In

My life is profoundly, painfully out of balance right now.  And it appears that I lack both the skills and the energy to stay on track for any significant period of time.

All I want is to rest, physically and mentally, really that's all I want.  Just one day of internal quiet would be priceless.

Winter Ruins My Day

Today was the COLDEST day we have had yet.  I am aware that it's nowhere near as bad as some places in the country (our high was 37), but we southern girls are just not used to this climatic abuse.  I was less than halfway through my evening walk with G and I HAD to turn around.  Keep in mind that I never, ever truncate exercise voluntarily.  Not only was I freezing, but I had to pee (did you know that being cold makes you need to pee more often? It is slightly complicated, cold alters some of your hormones, see the link or google "cold diuresis").

Now I am home, having relieved hydrostatic pressure and esconced myself from the vicious arctic winds...but having major full-stomach anxiety.  I will make up for the walking easily tomorrow, I have a crazy schedule that involves lots of shuttling across campus.  But right now I just feel disgusting, I ate too big of a lunch too late in the day and it is sitting like a boulder in my belly.  It would be so incredibly easy to go do a few loops on the workout DVD to 1) warm up my poor hypothermic system and 2) vent anxiety . . . but I won't let myself do it.  Just this morning H. and I were talking about how much exercise still controls my life, and my frustration over how much time it monopolizes.  Beyond my southernized whining about the cold, which may seem petty, it really does stress my heart (thanks to ED I have had issues with weakend/irregular heart in the past). I've had chest pains on and off all day, and I doubt that doubling up my evening workout will help matters.

So, sitting here, entering data and listening to the director's commentary on my Lost DVD, trying to distract myself. Counting hours until my normal evening workout (which won't be lengthened to compensate for this afternoon) and wondering what it would be like to be a normal person snuggling under a blanket with hot chocolate on a cold day.

Bone Blues Affect More Than Your Skeleton

Of interest to anyone with depression and/or bones ravaged by an ED: link between osteoporosis and depression.  I am crunched for time and didn't get to look up the primary literature they cited, but the conclusions drawn in the article are intriguing.  There have been a lot of studies coming out recently that show the skeleton is much more than a simple framework, it is actually a major participant in hormonal regulation (including fat metabolism, and, apparently depression).

"Your Own Shape and Countenance"

It is disturbingly easy to fall into patterns of subjecting ourselves to profound physical neglect, deprivation, abuse.  We numb out, and tell ourselves the physical needs aren't important. We forget that mind and body exist in a constant feedback loop, and the well-being of the two are inevitably linked (it is so tempting to go off on a neuroscience tangent about how the mind ultimately arises from physical structures of the brain, but I'll refrain).  Thus, a reminder to be kind to yourself and appreciate the corporeal vehicle that is your one and only method of transport through life:

Was somebody asking to see the soul?

See, your own shape and countenance . . .

Behold, the body includes and is the meaning, the main

Concern, and includes and is the soul.

~Walt Whitman