Hi There

Well hi there. Testing, testing, 123?

Not sure if it feels different to you, but it feels a little different to me 1) knowing that I'm not broadcasting to the entire Interwebs and 2) knowing exactly how many people I'm "talking" to and having gotten some new introductions from readers.  Again, I really appreciate all of your continued interested in reading.  I hope I don't disappoint you . . . I do think I'll be able to talk more candidly.  Statcounter was starting to make me really nervous, showing all of the search strings for which my blog was in the top 5 hits.

When the blog was public, I was often hesitant to give details about when/where I'd been traveling, or other specifics about my schedule or personal/work life, since it would make me so easily identifiable to someone who knew me or someone else who knew enough about the events to recognize that my travel dates matched with some event.  I think my next few posts will be a backlog of news/information that I've been meaning to write about but wasn't sure how to do as discretely as I wanted.  I'm still staying pseudonymous, but feel a bit more free knowing that just anyone can't stumble across these posts.  At least 15% or so of you know me in real life, too, so that's a relief.

I myself haven't had much luck following protected blogs in RSS readers, so I'm hoping that this blog doesn't fall through the cracks or become a pain to keep up with.  Feel free to offer feedback on how it's acting in your blog-tracking software/app/method of choice.  So far the only blooper that I made was to accidentally delete that last 25 approved comments on other posts (sorry to the people who posted those, I really love all the comments I get!) when I was deleting all the blog access request comments.

Also, at least some of you expressed concern about your own privacy, given that some people have email addresses that give away their names or are linked to a Facebook account.  Believe me, if anyone understands the desire for privacy, I do, and your information will stay 110% confidential. I won't stalk you or give your name/contact info to anyone.

So, that's all the blog business.  I hadn't updated 4B in a while prior to this switch, mostly because I had been crazybusy with travel for PhD interviews, and as soon as I was home from that Match was here visiting for Spring Break.  Things are going really well with him lately, with a few blips that I'll discuss in an upcoming post.  I think I did pretty well with eating.  There is always at least one date night where I have one or a few drinks too many (I always plan when I'm going to have a "free" night, yes I schedule when to lose control, LOL), then have morning after guilt and am tempted to restrict the next day, but I'm getting better about letting each day be a fresh slate instead of a chance to pay penance.  We also definitely had fewer squabbles about when/where to eat on this visit, which was a relief.

Another thing I really wanted to tell y'all about but didn't want to post publicly was my 23andme results.  Has anyone else heard of this or had this done (23andme.com)? Mine basically made me wonder how I could *not* have developed some major addiction/behavioral issue.  I will put that at the top of my list for future posts also.

Okay chicas (I didn't have a single reader request access that was obviously male from their email address, but if I'm wrong and you are here representing the Y Chromosomed, feel free to speak up!),  G. is informing me that we are 15 minutes late for his evening walk, so I need to go take care of him.  Again, I was really touched by how many people requested blog access, and hope that I get the chance to get to know more of you a little better.

love y'all

Last Call

In case any of you are like me and sometimes let unread blog posts accumulate on you (sorry!) such that they get read out of order, I am just posting one last reminder to comment (I moderate all comments and promise not to publish these) with your email address so I can include you on my reader list when I restrict access to this blog tomorrow.  If you have already done so, I've got you on the VIP list and you can disregard this post.

I actually got quite a few more requests than expected; thanks to everyone who expressed continuing interest. A few people seemed to be unsure if I would approve them if they hadn't commented before.  I know very well that sometimes it's hard to know what to say, and am really just honored that you asked to be included at this stage, so no worries about that.

I was pretty sad about going private (still am, a bit), but I think that writing to a smaller group of invested readers might make for a kind of nice change. I think it will allow me to be a bit more candid and less anxious (anxious? who? me? no...okay yes) about what I write, which will expand my options for things to talk about.

 Love y'all.

Privatizing

For personal and professional reasons, I'm going to be restricting access to this blog very soon (within the next 48 hours).  If you would like to be added to the access list, please leave a comment (I won't publish them) or e-mail me with your e-mail address so that I can send you an invite to continue viewing the blog.  I've been avoiding doing this for years, because I know it's murder on readership and chances to connect with new people, but I think it has come to the inevitable point at which I don't have a choice.

love y'all

Front-Strike Success

I haven't written a lot lately; have been pretty wrapped up in thinking about other parts of my life and there doesn't seem to be much to report here.  I have had a little break from traveling, but it kicks up again for another 2-3 week stretch soon. All the travel has sort of arrested my progress on the exercise reduction, since it's incredibly hard for me to let myself cut back when I know I'm facing several weeks of planes/shared hotel rooms with little chance to work out at all.  I'm really so, so ready to have a life that isn't controlled by workout schedules, though, and want to make progress on that a bigger priority once I'm back from being on the road.  And I do think I have been handling the reduced exercise conditions during travel pretty well, so that's a different form of progress that has been a success.

Speaking of exercise, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but D., my dietician, gave me the green light to test out running again--albeit with some strict rules.  No more than 2-3 times a week, and for a very modest amount of time each session, and it has to be a substitute for other exercise (not added on top of what I was already doing).  We were talking about my exercise patterns, and sort of hit on something I'd never consciously realized before: my exercise was always very rigid, but didn't really get uber-excessive in terms of volume/time until I had to give up running due to my joint health (basically ran my knees into the ground by the time I was 21--not an unexpected result from going years without any days off during a period of severe food restriction, low bone density, and a few stress fractures/bone spurs).  

After I had to quit running, it was like I was still trying to get that endorphin hit, doing more and more and more of other exercises but never getting the same runner's high.  So D. and I agreed that I can start testing myself on runs again in order to help me tolerate larger cuts in overall exercise time.  My knees were the main reason I'd stayed out of running for 4ish years, so I studied a lot on proper form, bought some special front-strike running shoes (not the funky vibram toe shoes, though!), and gave it a try.  And so far....absolutely NO joint pain! Nada.  I'm amazed and thrilled.  It's murder on my calves, because with front-strike stride they absorb a lot of the impact that my knees used to take, but they'll get stronger.  Especially since I'm being good and taking plenty of non-run days between sessions.  Also, I started on the couch-to-5k program for designing runs, so it's really not strenuous (considering I was definitely not starting from "couch", cardio-wise).  

Anyway, of course I do NOT mean to imply that taking up running is recommended as a recovery strategy, and I don't think anyone should add to their workout in recovery at all without approval of their treatment team, but the point here (sanctioned by my team) is for me to learn how to add back in an activity I enjoyed pre-ED, but in a healthy and balanced way. I've been doing pretty excellent with the food side of things, especially given my recent travel schedule. I had a recent health workup that showed I'm very stable medically, even if I do have some weight left to gain. I definitely feel myself shifting more towards a fitness than thinness/calorie-burn oriented workout mentality, which is really refreshing and empowering.

(NOTE, though, that bloodwork can sometimes be misleadingly normal for people that are doing poorly with an ED, it's weird like that.  The only things that ever came up abnormal for me, even at my sickest, were liver enzymes and T4 levels).

In other news, I met a friend for breakfast this morning and had a nice catch-up session, which made me feel great and amazingly normal.  I need to start working on my thesis defense talk, which means it looks like a great day to clean my apartment. ;)

Despite the sky-high background stress, my mood has been great recently.  I credit the days getting longer and the huge relief that I am wrapping up this era of my professional life and moving on to something bigger and better soon.

That being said, where I'll be at the next step is still entirely up in the air, as is Match's, which is stressful as hell but we can't do a whole lot about it at this point.  I'm getting very worn out on some aspects of the long distance relationship setup.  It's just not ideal emotionally, financially, hormonally, schedule-wise, etc...but it's been worth it so far, and we're taking/enduring it a day at a time.  I'm not sure at all how things will play out at the next stage.

I hope everyone had a great weekend, love y'all.

Unwelcome Twists

I hate it when I think I have things figured out, but when it comes to making decisions/acting on them, I second guess myself and everything just turns into an inchoate swirl of anxiety and dread.  It twists what should be fantastic news into a nightmare.

Life is just a bit of a mindfuck right now.

Fetters Loosened

This has been a challenging past 10ish days, as I've been traveling almost nonstop and have been in a ton of social eating situations with people upon which it is imperative that I make a good impression.

And honestly, I think I handled it incredibly well.  Nearly every day, I ordered and consumed adequate amounts of non-salad foods, had extra treats I probably didn't "need", including everything from wine to brownies.  Some days were pretty active, others were pretty inactive, most were in the middle. My intake did flux with that somewhat but I think overall it was a pretty successful experiment.

I wasn't adventurous calorically (except for maybe yesterday, but we were on our feet and active literally the entire day), but I did really challenge myself with ordering things that made it difficult for me to estimate accurately how many calories I was consuming.  I also tried some new types of food I'd never had before (and had NO clue of nutritional content).  I think that Ethiopian cuisine is one of my new favorites, and it was definitely a cool experience (look up "injera", it sounds weird but is incredibly good).

I think that breaking rules (as far as what food I can consume when and in relation to how much exercise I've done) is actually a lot easier when I travel.  At home (meaning both my house and my normal circle of social interactions around campus, town, etc), I am so entrenched in rules and routines, that it seems incredibly hard to make changes, but in new situations it is as if the fetters are loosened and it's easier for me to shift my habits to what the people around me are doing. It really is all psychological, but it's interesting to observe/experience the shift.

It's also interesting that at time it goes completely in the opposite, as I've also had problems with restricting when I travel, due to the loss of the routines discussed above.  Who knows.  I think that the social factor has a lot to do with it. I'm a lot more likely to shift to the restriction side on a solo road trip and the free-er side when I'm in active social settings during travel.

I think I handled all of it fairly guilt free, too, until today.  I had major morning-after regrets about what I ate/drank at a party last night (I was nowhere near drunk, just as a disclaimer), and it has made me super uncomfortable today, but I suppose I'll survive.  I've also been running on a major sleep deficit for over a week, which always makes those things tougher, so I'm hoping it will blow over.

I'm starting to think that one option for my school choice is starting to rise above the others in my mind, but it's also the one where I'm actually not at all sure that I'll get an offer, for various complicated reasons.  I should have answers within the next 2-3 weeks, and then it's on to the next round of big decisions and milestones to figure out--when to move, whether to buy or rent when I get there, how to make money over the summer, etc etc...

Participatory prompt: Do you notice that it's easier or harder for you to break eating rules when you are away from home and your normal routines?

I am way behind on blog reading/commenting, but have a little bit of a breather before I have to travel again.  I hope everyone has had a great weekend, love y'all!

Uncertainty Overload

That weekend was . . . confusing.  Actually this year is just confusing so far.  I'm starting to feel really, really crushing anxiety over not knowing where I will be spending the next (and super significant) portion of my career, who my adviser will be (very important professionally), where I'll be working in the field, how my work will be funded, whether I'll get to take my dog when I move or if I'll have to leave him with my parents (don't laugh, this is a big issue for me), if/where/to what degree I'll be employed this summer (ie whether I will be able to make car payments, not to mention some form of rent and groceries), how often I'll see my family after I move, how far I will be from my boyfriend, or if he and I will even still be together. . .

This last Match visit was very rocky in places.  In some places it was ideal.  I just don't know, it seems like there is very little in my life that is certain right now.

I think some of the rocky-ness was from background stress.  Case in point: on Saturday afternoon Match and I took a cuddlerelax break on the couch and he fell asleep, so I started ruminating about stuff . . . and half an hour later he woke up covered in alternating layers of tear-soaked t-shirt and sniffling (okay, snotting) girlfriend, because I just felt so overwhelmed and emotional.  And instead of getting emotional and flooding other people's shirts with tears when he's stressed, Match just gets short-tempered, and so THAT dynamic was colorful, to say the least, at times. :/

 I had 13 hours in the car to ruminate today, and by the time I pulled into my driveway I was nearly in full-on panic attack mode.  I think I either have a stomach virus or stress-induced tummy ooglies, I can't tell yet.

On the plus side, I have an awesome family and some very good friends, I can't discount that. They are constants. Must remember the positives.

I suppose this is a pure whine/rant post, sorry I don't have any insights/wisdom to offer up tonight.