Whoooaa, it's been a while since I posted and Blogger went and changed the whole durn interface on here. If you Google Overlords are listening, I am old and set in my ways and don't like this.
Cranky opening, but seriously, I cannot remember the last time my mood was this high for this many days in a row. I am SO much happier with my life here.
I seriously feel like every single day, I know and/or can do more than I did the day before. My days are extremely busy and often long, but I often feel like every single hour I spent on campus was stimulating, enriching, and productive. I fucking love this, this growing again. It's so good to feel like the old me after the doldrums of my MS program.
I'm also way happier with the community here, and feel like I'm building a pretty good network. I'm starting to slowly, SLOWLY but surely find myself relaxing food/exercise routines in order to accomodate socializing along with my work. I don't want to ruin this trajectory.
I hope you're all well, love y'all.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Busy, Hawngry, and Boy Update
Oh hi there, would you believe there's finally an update? Things here have been hella busy--my schedule here is the total opposite of during my Masters, when I often only went to campus about once a week. Now I average about 11 hours on campus each day, with about 13-14 on Wednesdays when things are extra packed. And you know what? I am LOVING it. I really like my lab, the people in my classes, the profs I interact with, etc. I volunteered for a couple of different committees, joined a non-academic club on campus, and am teaching a class for my adviser while he's gone for the next two weeks. I'm learning a ton and finally feel productive and purposeful, which does absolute wonders for my general satisfaction with life.
I even went out this weekend and did some very social, non-routine things, and had a blast. You know, I have spent so much of the last few years being pretty wrapped up in routines and/or depressed and isolated, and I sometimes forget that I'm actually really good at being social and enjoy people quite a bit. I actually went to a bar where there was dancing . . . and DANCED. Do you know how long that's been, y'all? Random: turned out that one of the girls dancing with us was my PhD adviser's wife, they're young enough to blend right in with the grad students (his band was playing at the bar, he's good!). Success.
Food: Remember how I mentioned that the climate here absolutely decimates my appetite? Well apparently I've adjusted, because all of the sudden it was back last week. No gradual reappearance, everything was just like it had been since I'd moved here, and then on Friday I stood up from lunch and had an odd sensation. I was hungry. No, not hungry, all of the sudden my body was in ZOMG FEED ME FEED ME I'M HAWNGRY FEED ME mode. I'm guessing anyone who has ever gone through refeeding knows what I mean. Gah. I guess it's a good sign, though.
Exercise: I've done a much better job compensating for the extra walking here, but really do need to start working on tamping down from that baseline formal workout time. With my current workload those hours REALLY would be better spent on my data, papers, etc, and I'm trying to keep that in mind as a motivator.
Weight: A post or two ago I mentioned I'd been doing weigh-ins at the gym 2-3 times a week. I have actually weighed myself only about once since then, and not at all in the past 10 days or so. I think that since I've been trying to get the exercise under control more I'm bracing myself for the numbers to start going up again, and frankly I just don't want to know. Too many other things that I need to fit into my mindspace right now.
Boy: So, the last time I wrote I was in existential crisis mode about what to do with Match. I have to say I'm still confused but less so. The whole failed breakup attempt did air some issues that needed to be dealt with, so that was good, and we've been trying some other things to feel more connected, which I think are working. I know I go back and forth on this and it probably seems incredibly stupid. Things have at least been calm over the past week and we've been getting along. We're planning our next visit and I'm genuinely excited to see him...he really is my best friend. We'll see how things play out. He found a couple's therapist that is willing to do Skype sessions and wants us to try her out. I'm not so sure, and he's not pushing, but it's on the radar at least.
I hope everyone's week is off to a great start. I'm so zapped at the end of each day that I haven't has the energy to post as much, but I appreciate you ladies and really hope you're all doing okay.
love y'all
I even went out this weekend and did some very social, non-routine things, and had a blast. You know, I have spent so much of the last few years being pretty wrapped up in routines and/or depressed and isolated, and I sometimes forget that I'm actually really good at being social and enjoy people quite a bit. I actually went to a bar where there was dancing . . . and DANCED. Do you know how long that's been, y'all? Random: turned out that one of the girls dancing with us was my PhD adviser's wife, they're young enough to blend right in with the grad students (his band was playing at the bar, he's good!). Success.
Food: Remember how I mentioned that the climate here absolutely decimates my appetite? Well apparently I've adjusted, because all of the sudden it was back last week. No gradual reappearance, everything was just like it had been since I'd moved here, and then on Friday I stood up from lunch and had an odd sensation. I was hungry. No, not hungry, all of the sudden my body was in ZOMG FEED ME FEED ME I'M HAWNGRY FEED ME mode. I'm guessing anyone who has ever gone through refeeding knows what I mean. Gah. I guess it's a good sign, though.
Exercise: I've done a much better job compensating for the extra walking here, but really do need to start working on tamping down from that baseline formal workout time. With my current workload those hours REALLY would be better spent on my data, papers, etc, and I'm trying to keep that in mind as a motivator.
Weight: A post or two ago I mentioned I'd been doing weigh-ins at the gym 2-3 times a week. I have actually weighed myself only about once since then, and not at all in the past 10 days or so. I think that since I've been trying to get the exercise under control more I'm bracing myself for the numbers to start going up again, and frankly I just don't want to know. Too many other things that I need to fit into my mindspace right now.
Boy: So, the last time I wrote I was in existential crisis mode about what to do with Match. I have to say I'm still confused but less so. The whole failed breakup attempt did air some issues that needed to be dealt with, so that was good, and we've been trying some other things to feel more connected, which I think are working. I know I go back and forth on this and it probably seems incredibly stupid. Things have at least been calm over the past week and we've been getting along. We're planning our next visit and I'm genuinely excited to see him...he really is my best friend. We'll see how things play out. He found a couple's therapist that is willing to do Skype sessions and wants us to try her out. I'm not so sure, and he's not pushing, but it's on the radar at least.
I hope everyone's week is off to a great start. I'm so zapped at the end of each day that I haven't has the energy to post as much, but I appreciate you ladies and really hope you're all doing okay.
love y'all
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Confused
So I tried to break up with Match today.
And of course, just like every fucking time, I caved in and couldn't finish it. All I accomplished was stressing both of us the hell out, crying a lot, and losing half a day of work time.
It's really, really hard to terminate 3 years worth of bond with a phone call. And it's not like we'd been fighting--we've been arguing/bickering WAY less recently. We haven't had a single argument since he left here from the last visit. It's just that I've felt disconnected and am questioning whether this situation is what I want. It's not all him--he is so good to me in a lot of ways. We're not 100% compatible, of course. We don't match in some ways that cause issues at times. So that's a part, although not atypical I think. But part of it is just the fact that we're 16 hours apart....until the spring, when I'll be nine time zones away for five months. I'm in my mid-twenties and feeling like if I'm going to be tied to a relationship, it needs to be more than visits a few times a year and phone calls squeezed in at the end of long days. And the last couple of visits have been a bit rocky, I was ready for them to be over when the day of the return plane trip came.
I blame the distance, but sometimes even when we're together I don't think this is what I want. But then I can't make myself let it go either. I have no idea, obviously.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone that treats me as well as he does. And as someone whose earliest memories are of seeing her biological dad beating the shit out of her mother, I hate myself for not knowing how important that is to me.
I feel like he's my only guarantee of not being alone. I already am alone in so many ways. Every day. If I feel this disconnected from the world while I'm in a relationship with an attentive man, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have that one person that I know will always be there at any time. He knows nearly everything about me that I'm afraid to tell anyone else. I trust him more than anyone else to not judge me for any of my quirks/habits/fears/issues. That is a fearful, pathetic, selfish excuse for not wanting to end things, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit it's on my mind. And despite all that I'm still not sure it's what I want.
I feel like I'm in an a situation where no matter how I play my cards, I end up failing. People who know how unhappy I've been at times in the relationship will think I'm wrong and weak for not ending it already and moving on. People who don't know will think I'm wrong and stupid for tossing it away. I don't know what the fuck I really know and am afraid of having regrets no matter what direction I go.
The book I've been reading this weekend, After Life by Rhian Ellis and Nancy Pearl, has a few passages that really hit home with me in the context of all this (I didn't actually like the story much, but I did end up highlighting a good number of passages).
"Two people never love each other at the same time...one loves, and the other is in love with being loved. The fun is in guessing which one's you."
"I understood, then, the true horror of the world: it is that once a thing is done, it can never be undone. A universe of wishing can't uncrush a bug, or unspeak a word, or erase even the tiniest action from the past's ledger. The past is fixed an unalterable, a tyrant, and none of us has any power against it. How can we do anything, how can we live, knowing this?"
And of course, just like every fucking time, I caved in and couldn't finish it. All I accomplished was stressing both of us the hell out, crying a lot, and losing half a day of work time.
It's really, really hard to terminate 3 years worth of bond with a phone call. And it's not like we'd been fighting--we've been arguing/bickering WAY less recently. We haven't had a single argument since he left here from the last visit. It's just that I've felt disconnected and am questioning whether this situation is what I want. It's not all him--he is so good to me in a lot of ways. We're not 100% compatible, of course. We don't match in some ways that cause issues at times. So that's a part, although not atypical I think. But part of it is just the fact that we're 16 hours apart....until the spring, when I'll be nine time zones away for five months. I'm in my mid-twenties and feeling like if I'm going to be tied to a relationship, it needs to be more than visits a few times a year and phone calls squeezed in at the end of long days. And the last couple of visits have been a bit rocky, I was ready for them to be over when the day of the return plane trip came.
I blame the distance, but sometimes even when we're together I don't think this is what I want. But then I can't make myself let it go either. I have no idea, obviously.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone that treats me as well as he does. And as someone whose earliest memories are of seeing her biological dad beating the shit out of her mother, I hate myself for not knowing how important that is to me.
I feel like he's my only guarantee of not being alone. I already am alone in so many ways. Every day. If I feel this disconnected from the world while I'm in a relationship with an attentive man, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have that one person that I know will always be there at any time. He knows nearly everything about me that I'm afraid to tell anyone else. I trust him more than anyone else to not judge me for any of my quirks/habits/fears/issues. That is a fearful, pathetic, selfish excuse for not wanting to end things, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit it's on my mind. And despite all that I'm still not sure it's what I want.
I feel like I'm in an a situation where no matter how I play my cards, I end up failing. People who know how unhappy I've been at times in the relationship will think I'm wrong and weak for not ending it already and moving on. People who don't know will think I'm wrong and stupid for tossing it away. I don't know what the fuck I really know and am afraid of having regrets no matter what direction I go.
The book I've been reading this weekend, After Life by Rhian Ellis and Nancy Pearl, has a few passages that really hit home with me in the context of all this (I didn't actually like the story much, but I did end up highlighting a good number of passages).
"Two people never love each other at the same time...one loves, and the other is in love with being loved. The fun is in guessing which one's you."
"I understood, then, the true horror of the world: it is that once a thing is done, it can never be undone. A universe of wishing can't uncrush a bug, or unspeak a word, or erase even the tiniest action from the past's ledger. The past is fixed an unalterable, a tyrant, and none of us has any power against it. How can we do anything, how can we live, knowing this?"
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