Well I was on a roll with having a long stretch of good days and successes, and for some reason this weekend has been awful. Today was one of the worst body image days I've had in forever, Match and I bickered on and off, and it culminated in a combo showdown/meltdown this evening that involved me literally crying until I threw up. Glamorous, right?*
I know for a fact my weight wasn't higher today than it was yesterday, lower actually ( but well within the normal flux zone, promise); I wish I knew what exactly precipitates a Fat Day sometimes.
I don't think "feeling fat" was the main issue upsetting me, though. I think it was more of being totally frustrated, scared, sad, and angry that I still let the ED permeate my thoughts so much. Gth away from me, damn disorder...
Oh and one of my cousins had a random stroke today and the right side of his body is paralyzed. Having that happen to someone so young is scary as shit. Wish the world could just pretend this entire weekend hadn't happened.
Anyone else ever marvel at how it is both great and disturbing that one can come across as pretty normal and cheerful in some forms of social media (thinking Facebook mostly) even when they're actually having a shitty time of it? I think I tend to do most of my real venting on Twitter, where I'm pseudonymous (although a lot of the people I interact with on Twitter actually do know who I am), rather than on Facebook where my entire family, high school class, a bunch of professors and colleagues and students, etc etc, would be exposed to my real moods. It seems to me that one of the biggest problems with people doing more and more socializing via the web is that it's so easy to skirt around your actual state of mind.
Anyway, just glad today is over, sincerely going to try to start the week off better tomorrow. The only way out is through, right?
*Trust me that it was an involuntary result of emotional physiology, NOT a purge. I've never in the 13 year history of my ED purged food intentionally, throwing up actually kind of scares me.
5 comments:
So sorry about the crappy weekend. My thoughts are with your cousin and your family - what a horrible and senseless thing to happen to a young person. Best wishes to him and I hope you're holding up okay :(
On Match - did the body image stuff come before or after the fighting? Or did one have anything at all to do with the other? You've been with M for a while and I wonder if it's just scary and depressing when the ED can still get in the way. I worry a lot about using my ED as an "excuse" or a "barrier," and tell myself that I can't get close to other people because I'm not "normal."
Regardless, you've made such huge progress and it seems like Bad Body Image days are becoming fewer and farther in between. Hang in there, because you have every ability in the world to get through this.
Gah, that sounds like a horrible weekend. At least it's over now! I hope you are recovering from it now, and that your cousin is okay.
Not to invalidate the utter crappiness of your weekend, but everyone has rubbish days/weeks sometimes. They freak me out because I automatically assume I'm going to get terribly depressed or relapse into the ED again, when half the time they have quite mundane and logical causes (PMS, anyone?). I guess most people learn to trust that bad days are bad days and won't last forever, whereas people with experience of mental health problems have much more to fear and much more to lose.
Hugs if you want them :)
Sounds like it was really emotionally draining, and I empathize with that a lot. I hope this week goes better.
I too do my venting more on twitter although little fb helps a bit, but I still vent more on twitter, again because its closed and because its not my actual name. It helps.
I don't know what precipitates a fat day either but you've been under a lot of stress lately waiting for offers and trying to decide what steps forward to take, that is gonna take a toll and you're not full recovered yet so it makes sense that you'd use the eating disorder as a bit of a coping mechanism, even if its in an unpleasant way. STep by step though. Fat days come and thankfully they go....you just gotta breathe through them.
Hope things have improved as the week is progressing.
xo
I definitely think it's interesting to observe what people put on FB vs Twitter. I am friends with people from work, church, the youth group, high school, college, my mom's friends, my real friends, etc so I definitely can't say all of my emotions there (i.e., "feeling hung over" probably isn't going to make it up there after I have 1.5 glass of wine!) Still, I like expressing myself on FB :) I try to stay positive but honest. I'm never going to be like, "oh, gloom and despair, etc." but then again, that's not the outlook I have on an ongoing basis.
I'm sorry you had such a bad weekend :( I agree with Kaylee--you've made so much progress. Bad days come along with that. It's a moment. Not your permanent state. XOXO
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