Well, it's that season again. And no, I'm not talking about Christmas, Hanukkah, or Solstice. Although the Solstice might actually be involved, since it involves the days becoming shorter and shorter.
I'm talking about S.A.D. season. I was doing really well earlier this fall, but I have felt the shadow of the "winter blues" sliding over me pretty steadily for the past week or two. I am back to the point at which I find myself crying at least twice a day, sometimes for reasons that I don't even understand. Poor G. is really sweet about nuzzling me and sitting against me when I'm upset, but that just makes me feel guilty for not even being stable enough to parent a fucking dog without stressing him out too.
And I know that this isn't the worst of it; I almost invariably bottom out with it around the middle of February. Plenty to look forward to.
This is nothing new, but never easy either. I think I'm just sick of it, because last winter it seems like it took me until the end of May to shake it--at which point it's really not S.A.D. anymore, I suppose, that was just the initial trigger and then even the returning sun and spring weren't enough to chase it away. It just makes me feel kind of suffocated to think of spending 5-6 months of each year like this for the rest of my life.
I'm really trying not to let myself be a victim with it, though. I think one reason it was so bad last year was because I was pretty socially isolated and was not in therapy. So hopefully this year will be better. I'm going to be taking a class in the spring (first time in a over a year and a half!), which should help with the general feeling of purposelessness and loneliness. I took full loads the first year of grad school to get my credits out of the way so I could focus on my research, but I've found that I desperately miss the discussion/socialization aspect of being in class.
I'm also in therapy this year, which should help, I hope.
I am sort of conflicted about therapy right now, actually. I really, really like T., and feel like we connect well. But I don't feel like I'm making any progress, ED-wise, for whatever reason. I'm not saying it's her fault, because nobody is going to be able to achieve changes in my life except for me, but I don't know. Sometimes I feel like she's playing cheerleader when I still need a coach. Or a drill sergeant. But then that makes me feel like I'm shirking responsibility for my own actions. I am glad that I have her to talk to about everything going on in my life, but I still leave her office feeling unfulfilled a lot of the time. If I bring up some place I'm struggling, she will do a lot of reassuring that I can overcome it, without us talking about specific strategies or goals to accomplish that. I don't know, I'm going to stop because I'm afraid this post is getting too whiny.
I think I may contact my old dietician to see if I can take up appointments with her again, because she was very into helping me with the specifics of my exercise stuff, which has been the hardest ED issue for me to shake. The only reason I haven't done it before now is 1) my insurance doesn't cover her and I be broke and 2) she works at the same practice as the therapist I saw my first year here, who was totally not over her own ED and didn't work out for me.
I also need to get a grip on the fact that I started with the strength training with the excuse (and honest intention, I swear) that I would use it as a way to build some muscle and gain weight in a way that wouldn't freak me out. At first I seemed to gain the muscle by just changing my body composition, and not adding weight, but now I have added a bit. Just a bit. But outside what I can attribute to normal flux. All my clothes still fit the same, but I notice it on the scale and am working very hard, with limited success, on keeping up the "not freaking out" part of the bargain. Suck it up (not in), Cammy.
This is pretty much just a mind-dump post, apparently. Apologies to anyone still reading. I'm feeling really demoralized and disempowered by a lot of stuff going on with my adviser right now, which I won't get into here. Match and I had a bicker last night but are doing well overall. This Christmas break will be our longest continuous visit with each other, so that will be interesting.
Anyway, general Eeyore post, I suppose. I hope everyone is surviving finals and general pre-holiday craziness, love y'all.
9 comments:
Have you ever thought about getting one of those high-intensity lights or SAD? I have a friend who suffers from it and swears by the lamp- she sits in front of it for about 20 minutes daily and says that it has made the last few years much, much better.
Hey Cammy!
1. No apologies needed at all!
2. I say you should totally contact the RD!
3. You know this, but S.A.D would be less bad at a higher weight. I notice it with myself. When I went back to school this year, I unintentionally lost a significant amount of weight. My BMI wasn't officially underweight yet, but it was lower than my personal idea body weight... and I found myself crying more frequently. my RD told me that sadness and nervousness would be less intense if I returned to my weight range. She was right. I gained *most* of the weight back and I do notice my emotions seem more stable. Gaining the weight back required I curb my exercise and Add an extra few hundred cals to each meal. It was insanely hard and I felt so out of control... but my weight did stabalize back to where my body likes it and I did feel better. I share this in case it's helpful to you as you continue to make progress in your own recovery and feel the massive feelings of physical discomfort that inevitably comes in the process of decreasing exercising and increasing weight.
As always... care about you mucho! rootin' you on!
Cammy, so sorry you're feeling so crappy :( I know you've said that you tend to struggle with ED during the winter months - has the depression always been a part of that too, or is it a newish trend? I wonder if the depression has crept in because you've been doing better with ED stuff in recent years and no longer have that as an "outlet" to the same extent? just thoughts
Anyway, I hope you can communicate to your T what you need (if you still want to continue seeing her, that is). I actually feel conflicted in the opposite way about my therapist - like he's ALL coach, ALL about plans/strategies/behaviors, and doesn't just act as a sounding board, which I need sometimes. Remember the therapist is there to help you, so it can't hurt to be more vocal about what you want.
I wish I could be more help! Crying multiple times a day means something is NOT right, and you never deserve to feel like that. Keep trucking, things will get better.
(((hugs)))
And I freak my dog out too and then he gets stressed and starts with the squeaky ball and I wanna kill one of us
Hey hun,
I agree with Laura, no apologies needed. This is your space to use as you need to and sometimes that means getting off our chest those things that are frustrating or bugging us.
I was thinking with your T, maybe you need to be straight forward about the aspects of treatment that you're missing out on and see if it is possible to change her approach slightly so that she is still supportive, but also giving practical strategies or goals or whatever it is youf eel you need as well.
I think seeing the dietician again is great too if you can.
I'm sorry that you're struggling with SAD. It is so frustrating because just being in the dull greyness that goes on and on does not help, ever. I do hope that it doesn't take until May this time to come through the other side. It might be worth discussing this with your therapist also. Yeah she might look at ed's particularly, but any therapise worth their salt will be able to manage depression (which is essentially what SAD is, just linked to a particular problem with a time of season). Might find that helps the ed as well.
Just ideas off the top of my head really.
Thinking of you and hope that things settle for you soon and you start to feel a bit better about things. But even if you don't, I do want to read about it (listen to it etc)... I care about you no matter what state you're in.
xo
I struggle during this time of year also, and have thought of getting a light box. Extra vitamin D is supposed to help also. My Ed is worse during the winter months, and I think it is because I try to contain all of my emotions, and then become emotionally "full." It is good that you have therapy this year, and it would probably help to go back to your nutritionist for extra support. I hope you start feeling better!
Oof, the infinite ways in which we can compromise and try to use the exercise to help! I do it too, and it's hard because in the past exercise has been tremendously helpful-- both with rebuilding bone density& the mood stuff, especially this time of year when less gym-y activities are kinda off the table for me.
Have you ever had your Vit D levels checked? Mine are low in general, and plummet in the winter time, so I'm extra aware of taking heavy duty supplements this time of year & think that might play a part in the seasonal ickness.
I don't really have anything constructive to say other than, uh, I'm reading this, and as a fellow grad-student/recovering person/dabbling in real relationships for the first time I can relate to a lot of your blog. So hi :)
I think everyone's pretty much said what I would have said--this time of year is SAD for a lot of people, me included--and being at a more stable weight would probably (paradoxically) help with the depression and anxiety.
However, I also noted one last thing in your post: "I'm feeling really demoralized and disempowered by a lot of stuff going on with my adviser right now, which I won't get into here."
Any time things feel out of my control, I tend to glom onto "familiar" coping mechanisms. I don't know if that's the case with you, but it's at least good to be aware that you can slip when other things feel out of control. Well, be aware and take positive action ;)
I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time at the moment. Apparently about 90% of the population suffer from SAD to some degree, so you're not alone- but obviously when you have pre-existing issues it makes things worse. I'm similar in that I always find February-March to be the worst part of winter- I usually think that at this time of year winter still feels vaguely novel (and there are Christmas lights everywhere), but later on the winter seems to have gone on forever with no end in sight. Just out of interest, do you eat the same amount in winter? I heard somewhere last year that the average person eats 600 calories a day extra in winter- no idea how accurate that is, but it makes some kind of sense that people need more food in winter when it's cold.
With the ED stuff- I wonder if you've come further than you realise? I know that you've written a few low posts recently, but around Thanksgiving you seemed really optimistic. One thing I've noticed in recovery is that I experience much more severe highs and lows- rather than just the same old 'blehness'. I don't mean to dismiss your problems, obviously- it's easy to get stuck into ruts with food/exercise, so if you can see your dietician then that would be great.
I'm sorry I can't offer anything helpful. I hope you have a good Christmas break, and good luck with the Match visit!
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